Notsure what to do...

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[rexgm]

The toughest part is knowing that you will have to have some sort of relationship with your spouse for the rest of your life for the benefit of the child. Right now how i think and act, I know this is not who I am normally, and you hope that your spouses actions are not normal, but how do you stop trying to make sense of a situation that just doesnt make sense. Even if your spouse has not been happy, to think that you were being fooled for such a time makes you wonder where your head was at. Its not an easy effort to keep up a charade for such a longtime makes you think if they would of tried this hard at the relationship then you wouldnt be here. I know one needs to get a life and move on, but how does one stop trying for the sake of the child. As for myself, could I be happy with my spouse if she decided to come back, ofcourse i could. I could be just as happy with a woman i meet tomorrow, because i make my own happiness. Maybe some people think then that this is not love, but love to me is a choice one makes. Once you understand no one is perfect, that everyone has faults, its easier to share your love. I think society as a whole pushes the fairy tale too much that people try to look for it and are disappointed when there relationship doesnt meet its standard. There is no knight in shining armor, no sleeping beauty, and the grass always looks greener on the other side. People always say well i told my spouse this would happen, if things didnt change, well isnt insanity doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting a different results. They finally do something different like a BD and they get the result they wanted but they are no longer interested in trying. Wow i finally did something different and they are now listening, but i am not now so it [censored] to be them. And as for people in affairs, do they ever think, wow maybe if i treated my spouse like my AP i wouldnt be having one. now granted not all relationships are salvageable, things like any type of abuse should not be tolerated. But many relationships are just someone giving a high five, when the other one is going for a fist bump.

sorry for the rambling, but its early and mind is just trying to make sense of a nonsense situation.

[joejoe1]

Rexgm,

Dont try to make sense of the crazy, it's only going to drive you crazy. All those questions you have asked, has been asked on here hundreds if not thousands of times. Most people when they first come to this forum is trying to find the "why", they try to figure if this or that happened or didn't happen, things would be a whole lot better. After a while though, most people realize the why doesn't matter, and if you DB right and save yourself, one-day you might get your why from your S or you might not. But in the end you are a whole lot better.

The comment about you could take your W back. Every person that comes here says that statement as well. The longer the DBing goes on and the longer limbo goes on, people feelings tend to change. I will tell you take each moment for what it is, because your feelings will start to change multiple times in a day. "I want to be with her, I don't want to be with her. I'm going to move on. I'm going to stay. I truly love her. I hate this person she is now." You will go back and forth. I'm telling you this so you can be better prepared to react and handle those feelings and emotions.

Keep posting.

[NicoleR]

Hi Rexgm,

There are some similarities between our two situations. Both our spouses are originally from overseas, we've both been married nine years, and we both have one daughter close in age. I wish you and your wife could find a solution to fix the marriage.

It sounds like you're taking the right steps on your part. One of my worst fears, having just one child, is the lack of family my daughter will have when she gets older. It seems like such a disadvantage growing up alone in a broken home and not having siblings or a bigger family for support when she gets older. Is that something you've thought about as well? For that reason I believe our marriages are worth fighting for, even though sometimes our spouses want to get divorced even when we don't.

It does seem like our spouses, coming from more restrictive countries overseas, go through a lot of changes here in the US, more so than someone who grows up here. There are so many opportunities here and I guess when they start off with us from the beginning, we can become someone who holds them back from everything (including affair partners). I guess there are so many options to 'upgrade' to a more attractive / fun / younger partner after they get settled here it's hard for us to compete. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. It seems like that's what's happening with my husband though, among other problems. Perhaps your wife will someday appreciate what she had with you.

I hope you'll keep us posted on how things go. I'll keep my fingers crossed for good news!

[rexgm]

Nicole,

I recently talked to my wife and she could not understand why my performance at work was slacking. Which i can see from her point of view because she was already checked out of the marriage. I didnt tell her but i thought, ofcourse she wont understand because she already moved onto a new relationship, unlike myself who just got told from someone they loved for 9+ years that they dont love you anymore, and now you only see your child 50% of the time and your best friend is no longer there to support you. It really hit home how selfish she is being right now, but i didnt let her know how i felt i just agreed with her thoughts and said people have different priorities.

I did make the mistake of telling my daughter that sooner or later she would have a sibling, and this made my wife very mad when my daughter asked her when she would get a brother or sister. I told my wife just because she doesnt plan on having more kids doesnt mean i dont. plus who knows what she wants with the other man its not like she is going to tell me the truth, and im not going to try and figure her out. Nicole, trust me just because they have found someone else doesnt mean they upgraded, trust me more often than not they have downgraded. Trust me my wife's AP is a much older man, with two kids whose wife is taking him to the cleaners. The only one losing out is my daughter, and Im going to try to be the best dad for her, Which is all in my control. as for my wife, the door is left open but I am not going to wait out whether her affair works out or not. All i can do is move on and if she wants to reconcile then ill think about crossing that bridge when i get to it, but there will have to be alot of work done on her part.

as for the daily update.
I never got to the gym as planned but did go out a few nights with friends and played some darts. I had a wonderful 4 days with my daughter and we did alot of arts and crafts to pass the time which she really enjoyed.

[kml]

All i can do is move on and if she wants to reconcile then ill think about crossing that bridge when i get to it, but there will have to be alot of work done on her part.

This is a healthy attitude!

Interesting that she got so upset about the idea of your daughter having a sibling - they really do think they can move on while we'll just sit there on the shelf waiting as their Plan B in case it doesn't work out with the affair partner. Good for them to get a little shot of reality so they can understand what they're really choosing.

[rexgm]

KML,

I totally agree, her reason for not wanting another kid, which i find understandable considering a divorce is that she didnt want to deal with another baby's daddy. Which tells me she full on divorce and not reconciling.

On another, she called me today saying she hasnt received her CS and needed to pay rent. I transferred the money through my banks zelle acct but she hasnt received it. She didnt setup her acct correctly through her bank and proceeded to tell me she wasnt going to deal with zelle and started yelling at me, so I hung up on her. I sent her a text telling her to call back after she has calmed down.

I received a text saying she was "sorry for yelling, and expected the money by now and it was inconvenient for her and thats why she lost it."

I replied "ty for the apology and I understand its inconvenient for you, which is why I am trying to work with you, but I wont allow you to yell at me."

which she responded with a "got it"

now that i think about it she followed her apology with a reason why she was mad, which really isnt a sincere apology, so I shouldnt of accepted it, but ill work on that in the future.

I am glad i asserted my boundary and she acknowledge it, dont really care if she accepts it, but as long as she acknowledges it i am happy.

another way she is sticking it to me is she recently caused my auto insurance to go up and I cant remove her name from it until we are officially divorced. Dont know how I am going to deal with the rate hike since she got her own insurance but my rate didnt change.

[Vanilla]

I liked your thoughts on another thread.

V

[Vanilla]

Get legal advice straight away.

Consider getting yourself under 10 year line, and go fast track. Look after your own interests.

If after D you wish to be more generous you can, your choice.

Get your butt in gear and go take action. Oh and cards close chest in any order.

Take it from one who just sneaked under 5 years with a WH who was determined to get over it. 5 years marks the end of a short M in the UK. The time also includes living together periods. In the UK you may already be over 10 years. Info does not hurt, knowledge is power.

You got this.....

V

[rexgm]

Maybe someone can answer this for me... Do ww become less intelligent?

my wife and I are doing a b-day party for our D4 in the coming weeks. So i put in a down payment on a place an text my wife the time and tell her the details are in an email i sent her. anyways i get a text this morning fro her asking if i can text her the details so she can send out invitations. i call her and tell her everything is in the email i sent her, i then ask her how our daughter is doing and then end the conversation and hang up. i know she read the text because she replied with a ty.