Husband gone for second time - new here

[Maika]

Hi Nicole! I am really sorry to hear about your health and your sitch with your H. I haven't read your full thread, but I thought I'd pop in some thoughts based on your last post.

but to really move on and rebuild my life I need to recover from this health problem and move back to the Northeast, get a new job in my field, and be financially independent as well as closer to my closest friends.

Those sound like really good goals.

There are just limitations at the moment. I'd love to move to Europe, start a new business, and spend my days exercising and meditating but those aren't options right now.

Don't be hard on yourself. That's totally okay considering your situation right now and you have some idea about what you might want your future to look like. I think that's very positive because you are envisioning a fulfilling life and what you want to do does not sound impossible. It may be out of reach right now, but not forever.

Simply going out at night to bars and clubs isn't something I've ever done nor wish to do now, so that's not they key to getting a life either.

Okay, so it's not something you ever really did. Why not just go out for an evening and be in a social environment? Go to a pub or a lounge as they are more low key. Do you like getting a drink sometimes? Just go and get a drink somewhere and see how that goes. Get some food too. I am saying just try it and see if there is anything about that experience that you like. Don't just rule it out because you've never done it.

What I really want is a husband who is committed and together we raise our daughter and support each other's careers. I've done many things in life I've wanted to do at a young age and at this age what I wish for is to be with my husband and daughter, but this isn't possible right now.

You answered your own wishes and desires. That ship has sailed for now and you just don't know if you will ever have this with your H. Maybe someone new in the future or maybe with your H, but right now your MR is dead.

How does everyone here define getting a life?

From my take, GAL is about engaging in activities that are for yourself and that can give you enjoyment, self-confidence, and discovering things about yourself. Some of the standard stuff here you see is about going out doing various things, getting in shape, becoming social etc etc. But you also see people picking up reading more, writing, art etc.

I think you need to think about what you can do for the next six months that can bring you a sense of fun and personal satisfaction. GAL is just so key to start the process of detachment. With your health being fragile right now, what are things that you can do that might be feasible? Do you like movies? Can you go catch a movie sometime? What about a play? Are there books you'd like to read? Can you go for short walks?

GAL is all about 'ME' time. What can you do right now to get that?
Some of my GAL right now also includes doing activities with my kids. GAL can burn your wallet/purse, and I always look for free things to do in town or come up with stuff at home. It's amazing how much free stuff there is once you look around. I don't know what the situation is where you live, but it may be worth exploring. Obviously, keeping your health in mind with all of this stuff.

So maybe the possibilities of GAL for you might be limited right now, but I bet you that you can come up with a couple of things that would feed and nurture your spirit.

This is the worst and darkest time of my life and it's helpful to see how others are coping and found their way to the other side.

Completely with you on this one. The key here is that there is the OTHER SIDE. And this other side is very very promising. I am personally looking forward to getting there and I am getting happier with myself every day. You will too.

[NicoleR]

Maika, thank you so much for your compassion and encouragement! It's really helpful. I'm taking my daughter to a free outdoor movie this evening so I guess that's something....

You explained everything well. I guess 'me' time right now mainly focuses on health but I am doing a lot of volunteering and church activities that I enjoy. It's not enough right now to say "this is so great, I forgot all about my husband!" Maybe over time I can change my mindset until I can actually move, get a new job, etc..

I would honestly like to go to dinner with a friend one night and just talk and relax but I can't actually eat much of anything right now without severe pain (the diagnosis I got is chronic erosive gastritis) so restaurants aren't an option and I don't drink alcohol. I'll still look for additional other types of activities though. There is a meditation class I want to start if I can get my husband to commit to his whole two hours and not bring out daughter back early. I still just feel bad for her though

One of the hardest things about all this is comparing my life five years ago to the one I have now. Five years ago I had a great, meaningful, vibrant career in a major US city with overseas travel, conferences, and a lot of social activities. My husband and I had lots of mutual friends, did everything together on the weekends, and we had so much hope for the life we were building.

Now at the present time I'm alone with a toddler, not working, sick, without husband, far from my closest friends, etc.. and it's very difficult to adapt. I guess a lot of people here have that experience. I need to mourn the loss of my 'old' life in some ways. This new life isn't what I wanted, except for my daughter, but I wish so much to give her a better life than this one.

One thing that's just bizarre is my husband did already leave once and come back. When we moved to this new city last year we started building a new house. It's a big, beautiful house with a lot of special features and a water view. In the meantime we were renting in a beautiful community. Now my husband is living in that house while it gets the final touches while my daughter and I are in a dark, small apartment with ants overlooking a parking lot. It's not that I care about the house, I just wish for my husband, but there's a sense of unfairness in how we were kind of tossed aside while he continues in this new house that was supposed to be for all of us.

That's beside the point I guess but one thing I sense I need to do is get more legal advice and a better sense of what would be fair to my daughter and I if we get divorced.

I'll read your thread to learn more about your situation. Thanks again for your understanding!

[Maika]

I am happy to share my thoughts Nicole. This board and the wonderful folks have been there for me during some of the darkest times in the last few months and I honestly don't know how I would've made it without this community.

I think one of the powerful things about GAL is that it does give your mind a break from thinking about your partner and the situation. It allows you to reframe your thoughts towards yourself. So, you don't forget about them, but if your mind/body is busy, then the other person doesn't occupy as much mental space. I still think about my W, but because GAL forces you to really focus on yourself, over time you start to lovingly detach from your partner and even when you think about them, the pain and hurt starts going away.

I can see how your life has flipped from five years ago and any one in those shoes would be feeling the same way you do. But everything, aside from your MR, you have described about your past life can be regained again. And this time you can regain it with being a stronger, confident, and more independent person. Definitely do mourn and grieve over what has happened, but don't stay there. GAL will help you get out of the grief and less contact with your H will also help. That's why Sandi's rules are truly about helping yourself and protecting yourself.

I really feel for you about the house situation. W and I purchased our first home and it was just what we wanted for our family and how it would be amazing for our kids. I thought everything was great and we would just build from there. But, she blew everything up. Everything got smashed and shattered within weeks and we had to sell it. I know what you mean when you say that you felt tossed aside. I completely felt discarded and disposable and that I was just thrown to the curb. No effort was put into even trying to mend things.

Physical space does have an effect on mental well being and your space doesn't sound optimal right now. Hopefully you can take some solace in the fact that this is temporary and you will be out of it soon and then have the ability to truly build what you want for yourself. The MR is a big question mark and you'll have to leave it at that. Get yourself better and focus on your daughter and that's your priority right now, as you already know.

It really $ucks that your H doesn't want to be a father and his time with D is just meaningless and him going through the motions. That may change over time but you're the stable parent right now and your D needs that. You can't control the time H spends with D, but it is truly his loss that he's not nurturing his relationship with his daughter and taking responsibility.

Sorry about the chronic gastritis diagnosis. Well, at least you can rule out some GAL stuff based on that. There are some great meditation apps out there like Insight Timer if you want to do meditation at home. But if you can go out and be in a social environment to do it, that would be really good.

Hang in there and keep posting!

[Sotto]

"I'm active in a new church, made a lot of new friends in this city who I see on a regular basis, seeing a counselor and a psychologist, and I'm volunteering for several organizations and maintain contact with my career network, among other things. But to me this isn't sufficient. "

Hi Nicole, the above sounds like great progress to me - good for you - particularly given the challenges you are facing at the moment. I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis - though at the same time, a diagnosis does mean you can move forward with treatment and look forward to feeling better soon hopefully.

I'm interested in your comments about what you want above. You'd like to be with your husband again - but from other things that you post - he checked out years ago, isn't interested in parenting and works 72 hour weeks. What would you be hoping would change for you about how the relationship was. What are your non-negotiables if he were interested in reconciling and rebuilding?

I understand what you post about your 'former' life and your 'current' life - I felt the same way - wow things were never meant to unfold like this!! This isn't the program I signed up for!! But actually, some rich and hard earned lessons and growth are there for all of us at times like these if we choose to take them. I look back now and see there were things I needed to learn and I don't regret the journey now.

Take care and keep posting. GLad that Maika is chiming in with some great advice too.

Xx

[Caz49]

To go what you're going through and be ill and have a H that doesn't seem engaged with your D must be truly hard. I think you're coping brilliantly and sound very strong Nicole!

It's so hard to watch our children be disregarded and for your H not to see her how you see her is frustrating and painful. I fought for years for my H to engage more with my children...he loves them no doubt about that...but I can't make him have a meaningful conversation with them when it just isn't in him. It's sad, they see it, they know he can't do it and they now make allowances for him. I mean wow!

But don't waste time trying to get him to be a better dad right now. It's all wasted effort that you need to get your health better.

I was going to suggest yoga or meditation or both! Yoga is excellent for digestive problems. And it can be as gentle as you need it to be. I would recommend going to a class with a trained instructor as you'll need to take it easy but the benefits would be huge. Maybe look into homeopathy, that could be a great GAL activity.

I understand completely about the postponement of your dreams...but you can make new ones in the meantime. Then when you feel better start a mood board and plan your bigger dreams.

The house situation stinks, totally unfair and would eat at me too. Stress isn't good for you right now, so start detaching from all of the things that get you riled, and put the house resentment behind you. Make this home cosier, nicer and try not to picture your H in the other house. Think how you can maybe make this situation better.

Are there any hobbies you can look into starting that you've always wanted to do...learn a new language? Knitting, crochet? Art? You may even be able to start a new business if you learn a new craft...

[kml]

Last night he said he'll take her to a pizza shop that's 30 minutes away. I asked why he's going so far and he said because the long drive passes the time faster.

Seriously? I think this is enough to divorce him. If that's all he has to offer as a parent what use is he? Talk to an attorney, find out your rights, and if you can, move back to where you have support.

I know it's hard to give up the dream and the idea of who he seemed to be earlier in your marriage, but something is seriously wrong with him now. Whether it's drugs, affairs or mental illness, he's not capable of being who you and your daughter deserve right now.

BTW - how close is that 30 minutes away pizza place to a possible girlfriend's? Did daughter mention anything about meeting someone there?

[NicoleR]

Maika, your feedback is very accurate and it sounds like you really understand these issues. I'll keep re-reading your responses because they sound like things I need to keep reminding myself about. That is so sad about your house too. I'll post on your thread ASAP.

Sotto, thanks for your encouragement. My only hope would be that my husband would be completely sorry for how he acted and would be ready to attend long-term counseling. He'd have to demonstrate that he wants to fix whatever is wrong (addiction, bi-polar, or whatever it is). In such case staying with him might be better than divorce because I've tried to keep divorce as the very last option, reserved for if he keeps going the way he's been going and has no intention of working on the marriage.

Caz, yes the saddest thing is when the kids themselves figure out that they're not important in their parent's eyes. It's unacceptable for any parent to do that to their child. My daughter hasn't totally figured that out yet but she has a strong preference for me and is very guarded and standoff-ish when my husband comes to take her. I have yoga DVD's that I do at home since I don't get to go alone out much, but the last time I tried it a few weeks ago it seemed to aggravate my health problem. That was disappointing. I will try to pursue meditation more seriously. There are many things I'd love to do and try but most of them are not realistic at this time. Instead I'm trying to find hobbies that I can do together with my daughter that are educational for her - cooking with her, going on nature walks, art projects, etc... Hopefully in the future I can focus more on my own interests. I did start a business here in the new city but plan to shut it down after honoring my last standing commitment. I don't want to do that, but there's no reason to invest more in it if I'm moving away. I only conducted targeted outreach for it and didn't earn any profit but it was a helpful exercise and learning experience.

Kml, That's the thing. Maybe I'm at the point in the DB process where it's not worth it anymore. Maybe I should attempt the "last resort" technique for a month or two and then file for divorce. I don't want to get divorced and don't want to be the one to request it though. Then my husband will tell his family and friends that I left him when he was 'working' on the marriage by taking time out to think about what he wants. But I don't think I can completely move on while being married to someone like that. It seems like the divorce process would help to ensure that my daughter and I are treated fairly and aren't at the mercy of a husband who can take advantage of our informal arrangement. The state in which we live doesn't recognize legal separations and has very backwards laws on child custody. I see the dream of us fixing things fading away because the first time he left he returned after eight weeks but this time it's already been three months and all I see is his annoyance at having to take our daughter three times per week. He definitely doesn't miss us. He shows occasional concern, like last weekend when I didn't answer his three calls (don't know what they were for), but I think that concern is becoming less and less as the weeks pass by. Regarding the pizza place, I don't think he wanted to meet a girlfriend there. Our daughter speaks excellent English and she can tell me in detail what they did together. She didn't mention anyone at the pizza shop. She did say there was a very friendly and nice young lady working at a furniture store they visited but I don't think that was a girlfriend. From what I know, my husband was dumped by his last girlfriend two years ago and got burned pretty bad. I don't think he's been cheating since then, although I can't be sure.

I really appreciate everyone's input. Your opinions and feedback are better-informed and based on tested techniques which is more helpful at this time than friends saying to 'just' divorce or my counselor suggesting that I try to spend more time with my husband. Thanks again!

[Cadet]

Yes definitely start LRT.

Their is a reason it is called that and should not be ignored.

[NicoleR]

Thanks Cadet. That's helpful to focus on which technique to use now after brainstorming about everything. I'll move forward with LRT.

[CW2017]

Hi Nicole
Personally think you're doing amazingly well given all the circumstances. The folk here are amazing and offer some wonderful advice. As you so kindly pointed out when assessing my own sitch you don't expect this sort of thing panning our after all this time (in my case 27 years especially when you don't think you've done that much in terms of "neglect"). So onwards and upwards although there might be some bumps along the way. I've been personally feeling a bit more melancholic recently so much so I'm starting with a new IC next week especially as it's coming up to one year now.

Take care