We both took sides out of loyalty for our wives. Maintaining peace in the home with wives who in our belief takes priority over even family. W was mad at the fact that I even wanted to work it. Even when I was clearly on her side. But I own up to that one. Should have just been a man and told W that I would fix things regardless if it upset her.
As for the blame in the R, I have mentioned my wrongs. But the issue brought up was the issues between my W and my parents. So I explained. To be honest, I am not sure how I could have handled things differently. W feels that she can day and do things with zero consequences. And my family in general have no problem checking disrespect. They all loved each other at first. But as time went along certain disagreements came about.
Trust me, I have looked inward. But at the end of the day, I am not taking the blame for W actions. I have no intent on blocking them out. But the R with the in laws won't be the same. No more saving their a** like before. There are just certain people who aren't good for you. And need to just keep at a certain distance. Knew they were users, but I seriously considered them to be family.
We both took sides out of loyalty for our wives. Maintaining peace in the home with wives who in our belief takes priority over even family. W was mad at the fact that I even wanted to work it. Even when I was clearly on her side. But I own up to that one. Should have just been a man and told W that I would fix things regardless if it upset her.
Noooooo, I think you were both scared of your wives. I can probably bet on that one. You had nothing to workout between your Wife and SIL and neither did your brother. That was for them. To not to talk to your own blood to keep peace in the house might be something you would want to do differently one day. And no, you didn't need to fix things. The only thing you needed to fix was the R between you and your bro.
When I was pregnant, my crazy ex SIL went NUTS on me. Mean, vicious, lied about a whole bunch of stuff and was downright cruel. I expected my ex to stand up for me, because he knew the stuff she said was unfounded and downright wrong and he knows she is nuts. I refused to talk to her, but I didn't stop him from having an R with her. As long as he stood up for me. When I had the baby, she wanted to reach out when she found out about the early delivery, baby in the NICU. ect. I wsn't ready. I approached her when I was ready. But he still spoke to his sister. (and guess, what, they haven't spoke in years over something with their mother. I was way out of the picture when that happened).
it's something to definitely think about for the future
As for the blame in the R, I have mentioned my wrongs. But the issue brought up was the issues between my W and my parents. So I explained. To be honest, I am not sure how I could have handled things differently. W feels that she can day and do things with zero consequences. And my family in general have no problem checking disrespect. They all loved each other at first. But as time went along certain disagreements came about.
Trust me, I have looked inward. But at the end of the day, I am not taking the blame for W actions. I have no intent on blocking them out. But the R with the in laws won't be the same. No more saving their a** like before. There are just certain people who aren't good for you. And need to just keep at a certain distance. Knew they were users, but I seriously considered them to be family.
nope, don't take blame for your wife's actions. Not telling you to do that. But look at your reactions to situations. Evaluate them very closely.
You say you dont expect them to take sides....but I do --> HER side.
Exactly right. When it comes to BD, S and D, the old adage "blood is thicker than water" applies. Families will rally around blood relatives and shun the LBS NO MATTER WHAT. Your W could be the most insane, raving lunatic siren to ever cast a shadow on God's green earth and still her relatives will cluster around her in a defensive formation. This is NORMAL Tread. You shouldn't expect otherwise, no matter how great your previous relationship with your in-laws was.
Perhaps I just come from a different group of people. Didn't think anything really abiut until my mither brought it up. These folks won't return a phone call. And My FIL was crying about me not getting him involved for advice. Now he is afraid to answer the phone. My father confronted him in Wal-Mart a month ago. Asked why he was ducking my calls. FIL said he Didn't want to get involved. Father told him to stop walking around telling everyone I won't come to him when he is simply afraid to tell his daughter she is wrong.
The craziest part is that that my father works in Wal-Mart with my BIL. Both work in the grocery aisles next to each other. My father treats my BIL as if he was one of his own children. But our MR has been elephant in the room and they just avoid all conversation dealing with W and I. But my father has been upset that BIL has ducked my calls as well. But I told father not to bring it up.
So today was a tough day at work. Got one of those jobs that can really get to you some days. The first thing that came to my mind was wanting to talk to W about it. So much for trying to be completely detached. Tough when your W was actually your best friend, before there was even a relationship. Which only reminded me that I am coming up on a year of DB. Over the past couple of months on this forum, I received some great advice. At times confusing but enlightening.
Perhaps I jumped the gun getting a lawyer and getting the divorce papers put together. Seemed like a good idea at the time. A way of growing the balls to simply move on. But today I recalled that my boundary was to give it a year if W wasn't messing around with OM. That I would be patient, while she we both dealt with this whole thing. Not sure if OM is still in the picture, but it seems as if W has moved onto potential OM2. Only confirms what I figured out about a little over 2 months ago. That this likely has nothing to do with me.
Like everyone else, I jumped through all the hoops giving my W everything she complained about after DB. We even continued to have sex more than before DB. Which I am certain she enjoyed. But it seemed that with me doing everything to please her, she would still contact OM. A man who contributed nothing to her life whatsoever. Which only made me doubt myself. The feeling of doing everything possible, but yet it simply was not enough. Even as I was losing weight and getting into shape, it still seemed not to be enough. OM was overweight and getting even bigger, but yet there was still this obsession that I simply could not understand.
And then there is potential OM2. Another overweight guy, with a long time girlfriend and three children. Seems like his sniffing around may have finally paid off after W moved out. The guy is clearly scum, but yet W is entertaining this guy. Currently I am in the best shape that I have been in over a decade. And now I'm starting to bulk up with muscle. Not to mention that I have all kinds of fitness goals that go well into 2018. And other things as well. I blamed myself for so long for my MR falling apart, but my W has issues that I have never been able to help resolve. So I accept that there is nothing wrong with myself.
Her weight has gone completely out of control and her friends are dropping like flies, because of her behavior. Friends and family have told me that with my changes I am quite the catch. And to just move on to someone mentally and physically better. But with the detaching I have done, there is still this small part that longs for my W. The part that keeps me from just filing the paperwork, because of some tiny bit of hope that likely doesn't exist. So I am honestly sitting here wondering what the hell is wrong with me? Created a boundary that has clearly been crossed. But yet can't do what is necessary based on the fear of making a mistake in MR that is already dead.
I have always considered myself to be very confident person. But at some point that went down the toilet and the A simply killed my confidence. And almost a year later that confidence has returned. Reading on sitches from people who have divorced on this forum, life clearly gets better. But the unknown is scary and yet I am a bit curious to what the future holds. The only certain thing is that S14 will always be around. And I am definitely glad that he will be returning tomorrow after school. Got a couple of activities planned for us. Not to mention that his has chores waiting for him, starting with cleaning his room...LOL
How are you doing? I’m 14 months post b d and have felt many of the same things. W has been back and forth on d but when she decided to go public with OM2 then it was my turn to push the D. I just knew i couldn’t live like this any longer. My d b Coach even told me she may have to D before ever considering R and think she is right. I’m saying that to point out filing for D and wishing to save your M aren’t incompatible, if that makes any sense. Best wishes on making the best choice for you and s14.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
So the last day has been interesting. Today after school, I had planned to take S14 tobse e Justice League. W calls me up and mentions that she invited one of S14 friends to come along. Also brings up that she will be meeting us at the movies as well. So W basically just through herself in my plans. Not wanting to argue in front of the boys she had on speakerphone, I simply said okay.
Also the clerk from my lawyers office called me later yesterday. He has been going through the phone records from last month. Mentioned two guys names. I didn't recognize any of the names. But he was laughing telling me to just lool them up in FB. Had no intent on looking them up, but after a few hours I took a look. First guy has to be pushing 50 or at least looks like it. Scrawny with a beer belly and looks like he drinks way too much. Between his first and last name had "boutthismoney". Job is making sandwiches...lol.
The second guy who apparently she has been texting with nonstop is some 24 year old. Goofy looking and according to his own page 6'1" 125lbs...lol. Instead if getting upset, I just wondered why this kid would risk messing with anyone W. Based on what the clerk told me that started contacting each other last month when W attended her friends wedding. That is when I suddenly realized that this kid is the brother of W friend/coworker who recently got ordained and officiated the wedding. My guess, the friend hooked my W up with her brother.
The crazy part is that these folks don't realize that people get seriously hurt over this stuff. But to be honest, I wasn't even that upset. Considered showing up to this kids job and basically just having a man to man conversation. But as I am typing this, I don't even care to do that. I just want to move on. W is basically just entertaining anything with a penis at this point. Some say that I should be happy that her options have been low. But I just feel numb about this all.
So W contacts me on the way to work, asking about S14 dental and vision insurance. I have always covered him under mine, including medical. W suddenly is interested in covering him as well. Now in the divorce paperwork I sent her last month. My lawyer put that I would continue to cover S14. But this always meant that W had to pay me more money in child support. W claims that two forms of insurance will help cover everything. But my question why is she suddenly thinking about this Now? W bas worked in insurance for 3 years now. My guess is that she is trying to lower those child support payments that she is looking at.
Earlier this week, W called me out of the blue talking about she wanted to close the main account we were using to pay joint bills. Still has yet to present me with a plan in regards to the joint bills. So my guess is that W is finally preparing for this divorce. And its time for me to stop playing defensive and just demanded she sign those papers next week.
So the last day has been interesting. Today after school, I had planned to take S14 tobse e Justice League. W calls me up and mentions that she invited one of S14 friends to come along. Also brings up that she will be meeting us at the movies as well. So W basically just through herself in my plans. Not wanting to argue in front of the boys she had on speakerphone, I simply said okay.
Also the clerk from my lawyers office called me later yesterday. He has been going through the phone records from last month. Mentioned two guys names. I didn't recognize any of the names. But he was laughing telling me to just lool them up in FB. Had no intent on looking them up, but after a few hours I took a look. First guy has to be pushing 50 or at least looks like it. Scrawny with a beer belly and looks like he drinks way too much. Between his first and last name had "boutthismoney". Job is making sandwiches...lol.
The second guy who apparently she has been texting with nonstop is some 24 year old. Goofy looking and according to his own page 6'1" 125lbs...lol. Instead if getting upset, I just wondered why this kid would risk messing with anyone W. Based on what the clerk told me that started contacting each other last month when W attended her friends wedding. That is when I suddenly realized that this kid is the brother of W friend/coworker who recently got ordained and officiated the wedding. My guess, the friend hooked my W up with her brother.
The crazy part is that these folks don't realize that people get seriously hurt over this stuff. But to be honest, I wasn't even that upset. Considered showing up to this kids job and basically just having a man to man conversation. But as I am typing this, I don't even care to do that. I just want to move on. W is basically just entertaining anything with a penis at this point. Some say that I should be happy that her options have been low. But I just feel numb about this all.
So W contacts me on the way to work, asking about S14 dental and vision insurance. I have always covered him under mine, including medical. W suddenly is interested in covering him as well. Now in the divorce paperwork I sent her last month. My lawyer put that I would continue to cover S14. But this always meant that W had to pay me more money in child support. W claims that two forms of insurance will help cover everything. But my question why is she suddenly thinking about this Now? W bas worked in insurance for 3 years now. My guess is that she is trying to lower those child support payments that she is looking at.
Earlier this week, W called me out of the blue talking about she wanted to close the main account we were using to pay joint bills. Still has yet to present me with a plan in regards to the joint bills. So my guess is that W is finally preparing for this divorce. And its time for me to stop playing defensive and just demanded she sign those papers next week.
Just because she's covering more insurance doesn't mean the amount that you pay to support your child would go down much. Really, just by the amount of your copay. But who knows what she's thinking?
Just like you, I would not have been inclined to look up the two guys, but I think the temptation would have been overwhelming.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I tried not to look, but the temptation to see what he was laughing about won. Thought about confronting the kid just as a reality check. Far too many people do things thinking they will never get caught. Figured having the husband standing info from of you will make you realize what could easily happen 6you for messing with a man's W. My own father gave me this lesson at 17 when someone W was trying to get me over her house. My dad told me that there are men out there who don't care about your age and will kill over their W. Glad my father did that to me. Because a saw examples of things years after that we a couple of people.
