It's been a while since I've posted, although I've been keeping an eye on what's going on with the rest of you for months now. I'm sure you already know it, but I think it's worth stating that as a community you've each provided me with inspiration to keep on going, and the knowledge that I'm truly not the only one who thinks and feels the way I do.
I noted Sotto's question around whether the MLCer ever feels remorse for what they've done - it's certainly one I have too. There was talk on another thread of the markers of a D including contempt and disgust. In retrospect I felt those very strongly, and now I know I wasn't imagining it. Somehow, whilst he was thinking about his happiness or otherwise with his marriage, my perspective was irrelevant. He truly believed that there was nothing I could do to change anything. He has never once genuinely apologised, apart from a breezy 'yeah sorry about that' when I mentioned that life had been a bit rough for the rest of the family last year.
I doubt any opportunity to do any work would've been wasted anyway, as he was sure I was to blame for his unhappiness - even though we both know he was depressed and stressed out by his job. He reneged on a previous promise to me to talk through all things and unilaterally decided what was wrong. At no point in our subsequent discussions has he ever noted that checking out of the marriage without giving me a chance as being a negative thing - as far as he is concerned that's just how it should have been.
He's now getting right into Buddhism, which I've always thought to be an odd choice for a person who has, if I may put my judgey-pants on, invited a gigantic karmic slap to come his way.
Anyway, XH is bringing OW to my home town for a 10-day, pre-Christmas visit to introduce her to his family and our mutual friends. XH didn't think I needed to know this - it was only something S18 said as an aside that alerted me. Both sons are absolutely insistent that we don't involve them in our dealings, but when they're the only ones XH effectively communicates with, well, you can see it gets a bit dodgy.
I ended up asking S18 (who has ambitions to be an actor) to play out what might have happened were I to have bumped into the happy couple in our very small town he began to understand why I was a bit miffed. I'll admit much hilarity was had when I asked him to do an improv sketch around the conversations people might have when they realised they were seeing "First Wife's Surprise Intro to OW at the Supermarket". S21's recent experience with betrayal was enough for him to empathise too. Upside: at least both sons are getting object lessons in how a little courtesy can go a long way.
Journaling -
NG is no longer around in my life. I do feel very sorry for him. I noted AndrewP's point about stringing him along, and to be sure, that's how he felt. To be fair to me, I told NG right from the start that I was a very poor relationship risk, and I never, ever gave him reason to believe I was going to be The One. I spoke to my IC about this many times, wondering if I was doing to NG what was had just been done to me by XH. She countered with 'he is making his choice to remain with you, even if what you offer isn't what you'd take. Provided what you have told me is true (it was), you have not mislead him, lied to him or promised him anything more than you're willing to give. Somehow what you offer is enough, and when it isn't he'll choose his next move.'
As they say in one of the British sitcoms I used to love, there's something in that for all of us.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are on moderation on the MLC Forum. I have put in a request to have the "moderation" removed from your thread. It may take a day or so.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I get how hard this all is- If it is MLC-there is nothing you could have done to change his mind and nothing you did to cause it It is His unresolved childhood issues.. The MLCer usually follows a pattern:
they leave suddenly, find a OW sometimes younger or affair down , many are irresponsible with kids, and money- they lie, dress younger, buy cars or expensive gadgets, drugs, alcohol etc.
best to leave the kids out of it as much as possible- they will have to work out their own issues around their dad leaving
but I always felt it is best for them to know that Mom is ok and everything will work sad yes, painful yes- but not their issue or fault we will get through it-
sorry he is bringing oW around for. a pre Christmas visit and hopefully you will not bump into them may want to stay neutral if mutual friends talk about them or meet something simple -not to engage or bad mouth "Not what I want, but I wish them the best"
Just my thoughts any bad mouthing OW will make them closer and move him in that direction usually the R has to run its course and it takes a while
hang in there
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I don't think either son thinks they were at issue or fault for XH's actions. They were as mystified as I was as to why he thought leaving was a good idea.
The OW is, according to them, "pretty cool" although I'm not sure S21 really believes that. When he first met her he pegged her as a gold digger (according to S18 who told me later), and he is known for being a very good judge of character. Having said that, his first true love cheated on him very recently, so his confidence in his ability has been a bit shaken. I think he's being a bit unfair on himself - she was only 21 too and young hearts are notoriously fickle.
Anyway, my point wasn't so much he's bringing her over to Australia for a pre-Christmas visit, nor that I have to stay neutral etc. My point was more around the absolute gut-punching shock I'd have felt were I to have run into the happy couple - in public, in a small town and with nowhere to hide. All I needed was a headsup so I'm very grateful I now know I might have to grit my teeth and smile all the while.
As far as badmouthing goes, I'm afraid to say I have been less than charitable on occasion, but the boys are pretty understanding. My biggest fear is that they learn that it's fine to just do a bunk and run whenever things get a bit tough, but both of them have assured me they believe the example they've been set is incredibly unfair. I hope it's more than just saying what I want to hear - pretty sure it is.
The badmouthing their father does about me is a different kettle of fish entirely though. Whilst he had them with him in Thailand earlier this year, he relayed them a particularly lurid, and partly untrue, tale told to him about me by XSIL. The tale involved my alleged abuse of MIL (no, didn't happen and MIL will attest) and a wild accusation of drunk driving. XSIL is known for stirring the pot - her family nickname is "Fightstarter" - earned from an early age and something the grownups have all learned the hard way.
My kids have had "never drink and drive" quoted at them chapter and verse their whole lives, and they're very fond of their Grandma, so you can imagine how angry they were with me. Eventually I worked out the reason for their disdainful, cool and disrespectful treatment of me and we sorted it out. They both told me, separately yet not long after the holiday, that their father had told them the story at dinner, and they all had a rubbishing session about me - in front of OW.
Anyway, when I remonstrated with XH last time I saw him (July) he told me he had no idea where they got their story. I reminded him they weren't in the habit of calling their family members whilst overseas (they don't even call them when they're at home) and they had both stated their information had come from him. He stated again "I didn't tell them - they must have got it from somewhere else" I asked him if he was aware he was calling the boys liars, and he simply repeated himself.
That was hard to take. Do I tell the boys that their marvellous father, who behaves like their best friend's big brother, threw them under the bus?
I've told S18 that his father's judgement of me might be a little bit skewed, and he needs to be careful of what he believes. I think I will need to reinforce that when the XH and OW come and visit, especially when they go on the road trip he's promised them.
Here's a confession that I feel only the people on this board could possibly understand.
This weekend I have been binge-watching "Grace and Frankie" on the recommendation of lots of friends who think it's hilarious, life-affirming and positively models older women's attempts to rebuild their lives when all that they know and love is seemingly destroyed.
I actually tried to watch season 1 about 3 or 4 months after BD. I couldn't get through episode 2. It was too raw, painful and close to the bone. Now I'm up to episode 8 - and whilst I've a tear-stained face, I'm strong enough to watch it and laugh - hopefully in all the right places. It feels great.
Have been trawling through the boards looking for stories of reconciliation - or even stories of MLCers actually making contact to apologise for the havoc they wreak. Real stories, not 'a friend told me' or 'I've heard it said'.
It's depressing how few of these stories I've found.
devvo - Keep in mind that this forum is in some ways like a tidal pool. It is a concentration of people whose marriages have gone off the rails in a significant way who have the depth of commitment to try to save it.
We are not representative of the greater population. Also - a huge number of people who come here for help never post, or post very little. We see few reconciliation stories in part because (I believe) that people have moved away from the "emergency room". Some are kind enough to come back and report briefly like my old acquaintance CT1118 did recently.
In my opinion, many of the people who fall into the "MLC" label are in fact cowards and are unwilling to face the destruction they have left behind. It requires a true act of courage to face and be held accountable for your past especially considering the poor choices that many on the MLC path make.
In my own case, in all honesty, I continue to be in doubt about whether my STBX will ever have that courage. From what little I know, her choices have not worked out as well as she originally thought. The general consensus is that most will not face their past unless they hit rock bottom. Many don't and I actually don't have any wish for my STBX to have her life fall apart to that degree.
I hope that helps give some perspective.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Those that reconcile may come back periodically, but generally, they are so focused on healing the hurts that were created during the crisis. They are focused on rebuilding the trust and love that were destroyed during the crisis and yes, each one that rebuilds, builds a new relationship/marriage. Many just put this all behind them once they have reconciled.
What I suggest is that people who come here, to be patient and eventually understand that it takes a lot of time for the crisis people to heal. Some do and others don't...but that doesn't mean you can't leave the door ajar....but you, the lbs, must most forward and continue to live your lives as if they may not return. Time doesn't stand still, nor should we. We have been given a gift of time and what we do w/that time is very important.
I find as much encouragement in the stories of people who do not reconcile but find their own independent happiness like Caliguy and HaWho. They still have their rough days but overall are at peace with their situations, even if things didn’t turn out how they hoped or planned.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
