I love your analogy about the tooth ache. I laughed a little only because that is exactly how I feel about my situation. Single or a step parent. Neither of which I want. But I have grown to realize that sadly I do not want my H in my life at the moment. He is too disrespectful and ignorant to be welcomed back into my life. So I have let go. I am neither working on things or not working on things with him. I am just living my life. Having fun with my kids and my friends and developing myself. I hope that you eventually you can find the same for yourself.
I think you know this, Sara... people w/ issues don't change until they hit rock bottom. Your H isn't going to hit rock bottom w/ you during an in-house-separation.
But you're right. Life is making you choose between two big piles of poop.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Hi Sara. Reading your posts and knowing that I'm not the only one who is forced with making these impossible decisions is the only thing that has helped me get through this day. My W has practically become a ghost and yet her presence permeates through so many aspects of my life. I simultaneously want her to abandon us for good and come home to stay. I have a list a mile long of things I can do to take my mind off the disaster that is my marriage and none of them appeal to me, but the idea of "licking my wounds" makes me feel guilty. I want to move on but I still haven't let go. I know that this is the unavoidable state of limbo that only time can resolve, but some days (like today) it can seem overwhelming. I don't have any advice. Just a simple note of support to let you know that you're not alone.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
sometimes the limbo term is misleading. We are in a doorway of undesirable places so It's not as if the choice is between a working marriage or a crap divorce.
It's as AS says, one pile of poop or the other. Both choices seem untenable.
Except for one thing. The end of a m that is no longer working for you, is not going to lead you to the other side of this, and into peace. The other choice may well get you to a place of peace...and maybe more...
I saw my Godsent T the other day.
When I discussed holding onto the concept of my m, the desire to reach h, to get him to care enough about his family...(even now, I want to know he gives a damn!)
My T asked me about my friend who had a lung transplant. - Obviously my friend has new lungs.
My T asked me what my friend did "with the old lungs." I guessed that they were studied and then discarded...she asked me why my friend did not want her old lungs instead of the new ones.
ME: "because the old lungs did not work for her anymore..."
this^^ analogy helped me.
((( hugs )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm pro m. But there is a place in the DB book that says
"we can't/don't save the m at all costs." You get to decide what you are willing to spend on this.
You get to decide when the "sunk costs" are, and whether to fold & leave the table.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
one last little list of beliefs you may have inside...
He’s my last chance at love. I need a return on my investment. What if I end up alone? Everyone will pity me because I’m divorced/family will not approve. Washed up and middle aged. Frumpy and unwanted. How will I manage financially? I am scared of meeting someone new. I don’t know how to meet someone new. I don’t know what it feels like to be in a healthy relationship.
I just don't think these^^^ are fears to let run wild. You are a physician capable of paying your bills.
You will meet someone new. I mean, seriously. (At times like these, I remind myself that most women in the world don't have electricity in their homes, let alone food in them...perspective).
Return on investment---ah yes that's my biggest weakness for sure. Realizing that the "house always wins" in this, was a hard hard lesson for me.
I'm still working on it. Or I will keep losing my hands.
anyway, food for thought.
Remember We are on Team Sara and we are rooting for you!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am so sorry for what happened. Right now, I am really mad at your H, he let you down again after giving you some high hope about a possible reconciliation. It's like being betrayed again.
While reading your description of your Retrouvaille week-end something crossed my mind. I have no clue if I am right or wrong, that's just an idea.
Do you think he went "aggressive" as a manner to avoid to work on his own introspection? May be in his mind, he thought that workshop was going to be a way to help him to sweep under the rug the issues and "calm you down" so he could continue to have his cake and eat it too, but when he realized he had to "follow" rules and do some deep introspection, he just panicked and went full blow, as a way to escape. What better way.. blaming you again and again to justify his past and current decisions. It seems that he still didn't get it. What is your opinion on that thought?
Somehow I am glad that you decided to take a break from having to decide if you wanted to keep filing for divorce or fighting for your M. You are back in the turmoil of that nasty roller coaster, emotions need to settle down before taking any major decisions. Actions have to prevail over reactions.
I really liked your expressions "licking my wounds", because that's what it is, you have been deeply wounded and you are right now in an Intensive Care Unit.
Once you start feel better, look at your situation and decide what you want to do next. Just keep in mind, whatever the choices you will make, there will be always pros and cons, just look at what is the best for you and the kids, what is the best for your own sanity. Also, it's not because you are making a decision one day, that you cannot amend it later on. And sometimes making decisions is forcing others to face reality and it brings changes that we were not expecting, the Domino effect...
Living without love and respect is very tough, so sometimes being alone is not easy but at least it's peaceful... Also, nobody changes unless being forced too...
Here again, those are thoughts and I am very well aware how excruciating it is to make decisions on that matter. I will support you on whatever your will decide because that your life and only you, know what you can live with or without.
Keep in mind that piecing is not easy either, it's a everyday struggle, right now I totally understand what Bluewave is going through, I feel that I am losing the love I used to have for my husband, may it's just a phase, I don't know... I really hate how the memories of the betrayal sometimes come back out of nowhere, engulf your mind and bring pain again and again.
Big hugs,
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Sarra, I’m sorry. I see myself in what you are doing. I fought and fought to keep him around. I think I was fighting off my own rock bottom, the fear at the bottom of the well that kept me tied to the pain of the life i’ve known rather than face the void. I would probably still be there doing the same things had my daughter not had the courage to tell me to make him leave. When your child says something like that you listen ... and carry shame. Eventually I was able to let go, to embrace the pain and the fear. The more I let go of him, the more I find me.
As I posted above we're in similar boats. I didn't quite read all of your past messages but I tried to read through them and if I understand correctly you may be a US-born citizen who became Muslim and your husband may be a Muslim with roots outside of the US. I apologize if I'm totally wrong! I just wanted to say that if your husband isn't originally from the US, there are certain cultural norms in the types of countries where he may be from where the husband really doesn't get involved much with the kids and doesn't show much romantic love to his wife after they start a family. Your husband may be just a regular guy acting according to his culture and dealing with things according to what he grew up seeing his father, uncles, and other men in society do. It doesn't matter if he's educated or upper class - my husband is from the Middle East and is a physician but said "men from my country don't change diapers" after we had a child. That was after years of helping wash dishes and doing many other household chores so I thought he was this moderate and Western-minded guy but obviously not.
That's not to say anything that's going on with your husband should be acceptable to you if he ever promised you more than that or if he married you acting one way and now acts another. But perhaps if my interpretation of your posts is correct and your husband isn't born in the US, and you are, then it may be of some comfort to remind yourself that your husband may be just a product of his culture. You probably did nothing wrong at all!
There is somewhat of a double standard in many Muslim-majority countries / cultures as you may know and some men may either get bored once they're married with kids and become reclusive at home or find excitement outside the home.
I don't want to write too much since I may be totally wrong but if I'm on the right track you may want to seek out women from your husband's culture / country and ask how they cope. It's also a possibility to get an elder man from your husband's culture to have a talk with your husband such as an uncle, father, imam, or any respected older man.
My husband already left and yours didn't, so there must be a reason why yours is still there. I can only say for me that even a dead marriage with a husband that comes home and goes to his room was much more comforting and predictable than being totally alone with a small child, but obviously no one wants it to be that way forever. In your case though it may make sense to think about maintaining stability for your kids and just learn to live in a detached way and forget about divorce and all the issues for a while and just focus on other things.
I'm not sure what the DB book says about that but given that you're not happy with any of the options perhaps doing nothing would be better than throwing your kids into a divorce and you yourself unraveling further. At least for a while...
)))