I'll add this, and ask the old timers if they think it's a good strategy: next time she asks to come over in the morning say no, that's not convenient. If you feel bad about saying no you can always offer to meet her at the school yard before they kids go in for the day
No one needs stress in the morning.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I'll toss this suggestion into the ring, since bttrfly had a good strategy.
You could always say something like this: "w, if you can't be here by 7:00 AM to do d's hair or bring son his book, then you can meet them at the school yard before they go into the building. Being late is unacceptable and it disrupts the daily routine of getting the children ready for school and out the door."
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
you could even put a db twist on it by saying something like, since mornings are stressful for everyone, you included, why don't we do just meet at the school before they go in so everyone can have a little extra time and an easier start to their day?
it's letting her off the hook, but also not giving her any ammunition to fight with you. xo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Things w/xw have been pretty good since I last posted. No more monstering/trying to pick fights.
I've been staying busy with work and I've started doing things in the house to make it a home again and not look like a house of MLC aftermath. A couple weekends ago I went into the old MLC dorm room and a lot of emotions washed over me and it was very upsetting. I had only been in there a couple times since xw moved out. I decided to paint the room and rearrange last week which seems to have helped. I also painted my bedroom and I plan on going through the rest of the house while I don't have the kids. I have a couple more house projects I hope to get to sooner than later. Xw and I had plans for the house and I am going to continue on with them without her.
I haven't been speaking w/xw unless it involves the kids and have been really minimal. Even so last week we had lots of contact. This isn't good but she texted and asked me for money toward her child support last week. I'm already ahead of her on it but just gave her all of it to make sure the kids are okay. This is frustrating because she just took the kids on a trip. I am also still paying her car insurance. I have been waiting to bring this up and was thinking about it but today I got cc'd from my attorney on a court order for her to pay the guardian attorney fees so I think I will hold off a little longer. I'm also afraid of my kids riding around in a car without insurance.
When I was at her apartment last week to give her money I went in for a couple minutes to say hi to the kids. When I was close to leaving I said love you guys to the kids in the living room, xw then said love you. IDK what the heck, if that slipped, if she was trying to tell the kids to say it back or what. It was really soft and weak (not the way xw speaks) and actually made me question if I was crazy. I just said love you and bye to the kids again and left. I'm not putting too much thought into it, just noting it because it was strange. She was also over awhile Saturday night while picking the kids up and again Monday night to drop off some of their school stuff. She ate like a teen on the run (lots and fast) after the kids and I were done eating and then left. She did compliment my meal at least. I think she's back to the coffee and cigarette diet.
I've noticed a couple other things she has said but I try not to give them too much thought. I was talking about speaking with one of S's friend's moms about school. I mentioned it to xw but accidentally said the wrong name. Xw said "Who is __?, your girlfriend, go ahead and talk to her about school I don't care." I also told her I bought tickets to the corgi meetup in the neighboring town for this weekend. She made a comment about how she was disappointed she didn't get to go. IDK, nothing to really dwell on but things that make me wonder.
IDK if I'm just disconnected more and able to see it now or if it has been this way awhile but she seems to be bouncing between the MLC stages in short periods of time. I guess I don't need to worry about that and keep the focus on myself and the kids. I've been working with them to keep things picked up, helping out a little, and taking care of our things. I think at xw's you just kick shoes off where they land, book bag on the floor, etc.
Not much else going on, kids are back in school and we seem to be back on track other than this being a rough week with them. I'm looking forward to this weekend with them, it should be fun.
Oh I had a good laugh about MLC watching Phineas and Ferb w/the kids. The evil scientist on the show made himself have a MLC, the writers must have had a little experience or maybe we're reading posts here lol. If you need a good laugh about MLC the song from the episode comes up if you search it.
Overall you seem to be doing well. I have one observstion and that is about you holding back on discussing the insurance. It's nice gesture. Actually it is s Nice Guy trait.
In general I am a believer in doing the "nice" thing as a good way yo live. Hard core people hear will say (and correctly) that she should reap what she sows. Some guys have had their W come back because they didn't protect them financially. They stopped paying regardless of her situation. It wasn't their problem.
I haven't followed your story in depthly so I cannot offer a clear opinion on what is best. I hear you about not wanting the kids to suffer or miss out due to W not having money. That is commendable. I probably would stop the insurance and if possible divert that money to benefit the kids.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Updating again. Quite a bit of contact w/x and she's been staying at my house when I've been out of town for work which has been a lot lately.
I still haven't done anything with the insurance. There hasn't been a good time and I think she would take it wrong or personal right now. I was going to say something a few days after my last post when she was here but she didn't look good. She told me she got demoted at work and was crying but trying really hard to hold it back. I was supportive, listened and told her she didn't deserve that and I know how hard she's working. She was here awhile and ate dinner which she does quite a bit. That night I invited her to a light wire play I was taking the kids to and she met us there the following weekend. Idk but she may have been crying when it started, she kept wiping her face but it was really dark.
I've also looked at her car a couple times over the last few weeks so she's been here for that too. She's been good about thanking me for it. I've done it because it's a safety issue with the kids in her car. She's usually friendly while here and plays with the animals, but lots of getting old talk and venting about work. If she eats she always compliments me on what I make. We've also shared a few funny memories and laughs. She tells me some of the good things she does so I tell her how I appreciate whatever it might be. She often tries to reject my thank you but I know she appreciates it.
Last week she called me in the morning to tell me about something and sounded terrible. I asked if she was okay and she told me about how her boss sent her a text meant for someone else saying she would've fired xw if there had been someone else to cover the office. I told her I was sorry and that I know how hard she's been working, how frustrating her job sitch must be, and how she deserved better. We wished each other a good day and she stopped by a couple nights later so I could look at her car again. She ate but seemed really stressed and didn't stay long. She also popped in my office Friday and asked me to print her car insurance so she could license it. She was in a big hurry and stressed about hurrying and getting back to work.
Yesterday I got a very friendly text emojis and all asking if the kids tried on their costumes. Then she invited me over to carve pumpkins w/them tomorrow night. I kept it short and told her I'd let her know. We had just finished carving them but I didn't tell her that. Xw and I have always carved pumpkins, this is our first year not doing it together. I thought about it quite a lot but decided not to ask her. D told her and after they got off the phone I got a text saying "I didn't realize you were carving pumpkins because I didn't get the invite this year, you don't have to come over." I didn't reply. It made me wonder if I should have asked her because I think her feelings are genuinely hurt, but she divorced me. Not sure if I should do or say anything.
I'm trying to figure out if there is anything going on reconnection wise since it happens so slow. I know a lot if not all of this is touch and go but her crying and telling me about her work can't be easy, especially after the things she said to me deep in the fog. She tells me her plans/where she is going a lot now too, idk why bc I don't ask. No expectations, just seeing what happens for now. I really have doubts whether she can ever come out of this while still hanging out w/MLC friend but I do notice a few very small improvements.
Kids and I are doing alright, we had a good week and fun weekend which was nice. Our last couple weeks were rough.
Last edited by job; 10/30/1702:14 AM. Reason: edited a word for poster
I'm no expert, but it appears that your w feels very safe w/you. You've made your home a safe haven for her. I do think she's having more and more moments of clarity. Reconnection begins usually w/the children, pets, etc. and the spouse is the last one. She's still has a ways to go, so...I would suggest that you keep the door ajar and continue as you have been. Time will tell if this is a true reconnection in progress or not.
I think you've been doing a great job of being a "safe haven" for her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job, I really appreciate your input and encouragement.
I'm still digging up patience I never knew I had or maybe it's detachment. Xw is really upset about carving pumpkins w/o her. She looked terrible tonight when she came by to get the kids stuff. She would barely look at me or speak. Before she left I told her I didn't mean to upset her and that I would never intentionally upset or hurt her. Then she told me she felt stupid for asking me to come over. I told her I appreciated it and then it was an awkward bye. Idk why she would feel stupid but she references it a lot, feels stupid, people treat her like she's stupid. I know she was told this as a child, so sad.
