He is really pursuing you... be really cautious...
If he is really having a change of mind about your relationship that only the beginning, he needs to struggle to be able to dig deeper into himself to figure out how to transform himself into a better husband/person.
I am glad that you are finally getting neutral and not spiraling up and down with his mood of the moment. If he is really changing, he might go through a phase of depression (it's tough to acknowledge what you did and take responsibility for it) and withdrawal, during that time, leave him alone, he needs that time to "heal" and figure out things on his own, don't put any pressure on him others than he needs to respect your boundaries.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
I'm new here and someone recommended I read your threads. I haven't read them all yet but I can see the similarities in our situations. My husband and I are in our late 30's, my husband is from the Middle East, started out as a good religious man, and then started having affairs and just left for the second time. We have one daughter that my husband has never helped to care for except for starting to take her out for two hours several times per week for two weeks now after I made him sign an informal separation agreement. My husband is also a physician (I think I saw that yours is) and had one serious relationship with a nurse at work among others.
One of your posts sounded particularly familiar - when your husband wanted to take a nap before taking you to the hospital. My husband did the same thing when I was about to have our daughter!
I'm American but have lived in the Middle East as well as traveled in South and Central Asia so I know the culture(s) of those regions. Most of my friends are from that part of the world and all I can say is that situations like ours aren't all that unique. The only difference may be that women in our situations have more options because we live here in the US. Also we may be less likely to involve our families right from the beginning which ultimately probably empowers our husbands because they don't need to worry about the wrath of their parents.
Maybe I'm off target because I haven't read all your posts but I just wanted to say hi and it sounds like we're in the same boat!
To me all the dynamic you describe just sounds crazy. Too crazy to fix in a long weekend.
I think the only hope is for the two of you be in long-term couples counseling, where the counselor really gets to know both of you and your relationship in depth.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Well that was a disaster. I went to Retrouvaille simply to work on our communication, it's supposed to be especially helpful with those who have trouble expressing and processing their emotions. While I tend to be fairly in touch with my emotions and how to regulate my responses I still felt this would be a good exercise for us both.
The first night was going over how to do something called "dialoging" and I felt it was extremely helpful for WH and I to communicate. Initially WH was eager and participating well. However by mid Saturday it was disintegrating at the speed of light. By Saturday evening he stopped participating and wanted to leave. I went to one of the host couples and told them this had ended in disaster and we were worse than when we came on Friday. They sat down with us and tried to reason (primarily with WH) with us. WH basically grudgingly stayed until Sunday afternoon and completed the outward actions but had stopped truly participating. He's back to saying ILYBIANILWY and feels we would be better off divorced.
I am destroyed anew. A lot of Retrouvialle is for piecing couples and I did not consider us piecing yet. But I wanted to be 100% in on the methods so I allowed attachment again. What a mistake. By the last hour there were other couples talking about the benefits they experienced through the weekend intensive. One couple had a WAH and he said he was deciding to turn back to his marriage and participate 100% in rebuilding it. I sat there breaking down in sobs (quite humiliating for someone who rarely displays emotions in public, nonetheless sobbing) while the other couples appeared to be glowing with mutual love.
My friends, I ask you to withhold the 2x4s as I know my mistakes. I am so emotionally spent I have decided to just do nothing for now. I am as fragile as cracked crystal, the smallest pressure will shatter me. I need time to regroup and just breathe. I don't want to continue the divorce, I don't want to piece, I don't want to do anything but take care of my children and lick my wounds.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
(((Sara))) I have not 2*4 for you! I cannot even imagine that anyone could. I am so sorry that this happened! The weekend is a long, intense, and emotionally draining experience. So yes, there is no need to take any action. Why? Just recover and take care of you and yours. The rawness will go away with each passing day now.
My H and I went to Retrouvaille 2 years into the piecing process and even after all that time and us both on board, IMO it still felt too soon. While we have completed 90% of the program, we have taken a step back from it. Sometimes we just need to stop fixing everything and simply just be. Just live! You have not been able to just live in so, so long.
Maybe just do that for awhile now.
XOXO Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
"licking my wounds" is a phrase I use at least monthly.
Especially when my sisters call about the divorce settlement - so there are no 2 x 4's to give.
We are on Team Sara. And We are all rooting for you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Reminds me of the old adage: Don't just do something, stand there!
No 2x4's... instead I send you a virtual care package from my local big box home improvement store: a potted agave, a roll of duct tape, a gallon of paint, and a Snickers bar that says "Feisty."
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Not much to report. WH has once again retreated into barely looking at me and only mumbles when he does deign to speak to me. I went to the 1st post session alone today, WH was on call and working but chose to have lunch with friends outside than to come to some of the session. (his job is about 100 yards from the post session location)I continue to attend because I want to use the technique elsewhere, like with my children when they get older.
The host couples used the technique with their children as well and it helped immensely with communication. I will say that it was especially embarrassing that I was the only single there, a lot of the couples who came to the weekend intensive were there and looking at me with sympathetic eyes. One couple came up to me and told em they thought I was very brave to continue on.
Brave? Not sure about that but I will agree that I am incredibly stubborn and refuse to call quits until I am at peace with that decision. Right now I am feeling anything but peaceful. I wish I could return to that place where I was when I filed for divorce. Honestly I feel I have been set back to DDay #2 emotionally. I lowered my shields and went into Retrouvaille filled with optimism and enthusiasm. The techniques requires starting attachment and therefore I decided to be vulnerable and brutally honest (spent a LOT of time writing about the changes I need to make in myself). The first part is simply expressing your feelings without judgement towards your partner. WH and I spent Friday evening being taught how to dialog and the difference between a feeling and a thought. By noon on Saturday he broke the rules and turned the dialog into a list of my shortcomings and how he feels we're "too different." So. That didn't exactly pan out, did it?
Since then we are back to square one. He comes home late, barely acknowledges me and retreats to his office to play video games or surf the internet. I spend my evenings feeding, bathing, home work, etc., with the kids. I dread the week days and the weekends. I fantasize about moving away and leaving WH with the kids so he can be forced to be in my shoes and understand what his inactions have done.
Look, I know we are supposed to be all self sufficient and detached and whatnot but I just want to have a partner to live my life with. I don't want to be alone, okay? Do I NEED a man? No, but I pictured my life with a companion to grow old and share our hardships and joys. I am very bitter tonight. I thought this man was my soulmate and never thought I would have to face the choice to be single or have a stepparent in my kid's lives. But here I am. I feel like I am being asked if I want a toothache on my upper tooth or lower tooth. How about neither? But WH appears to not care if I live or die and that rejection hurts. It hurts and no amount of GAL or self improvement is going to make that rejection feel good. At this point I would settle for apathy, anything not to feel like this.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
This is NOT about whether you are worthy or not. This is about HIM being incapable of being the man you thought he was.
Yes, it's rotten when plans don't turn out the way we thought they would. But you just might find yourself in an even better, alternate future if you let go and fly!
I thought I'd be getting ready to retire with my ex right about now, my kids grown, free to travel.
Instead I'm divorced, and yes, currently single (although I've had some splendid dating adventures.) but in the 9 years since my ex left, I've grown my practice, been invited to teach other physicians at conferences, written a chapter in a book, learned to play drums and vibraphone, performed and toured a little, taken some great international trips with my mom and sister. It's not the life I envisioned, but now I realize my ex probably did me a favor.
