I am sorry that things have been so "trying" the past few weeks over the settlement. I am glad to read that things have settled just a wee bit and both of you are ready to move forward. It's never easy dismantling a long term relationship, especially when one doesn't have open communication w/the other spouse at this late date. Feel the pain and then release it.
As for your STBXW, she won't actually feel the pain that you are experiencing right now for quite some time. I pity her because she walked away from a kind and caring man who would have done anything for her. The grass isn't as green as you think it is on the other side of the fence...but she will discover that in time.
The future is an open book for you once the divorce is finalized. Take time to smell the roses and enjoy your life. You've learned from the hard knocks and will be able to share w/others who come behind you on the Forum.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Several thoughts have crowded my mind and gone just as quickly. What's settled is this: I'm truly sorry. You did not deserve to be treated this way, especially by your mate. The wrapping up of the business end of things is not easy.
That said, there are some unlooked for benefits to remember at this time: * you're a lot stronger now than you were pre-BD * DB skills are easily transferable to other areas of life, with good results * you now have the opportunity to heal, find true peace within and * if you so choose, find a lovely partner in the fullness of time
You have much to offer. This last bit won't be easy, but - you can do it. The other side beckons and the inner peace you will eventually find is waiting here for you. I promise you that. It's just on the other side of the grief, sadness, anger, disappointment, etc. that we all feel during the divorce process.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you so much for the visits and the kind words.
Yes - I am in many ways much stronger than I was even before the bomb-drop.
Even though I might have opportunities available for new romantic connections, that's not what I'm wanting at present. I'm not alone though. Even though S23 is living with me, I see him so little that he's sort of a ghost that leaves dirty dishes on the counter But I'm not alone because I'm the member of several communities. The village that I live in. My work. My friends both near and far. My children and extended family. And of course the DB community.
After the bomb-drop I felt so very alone and isolated. That may have been a product of the relationship I had with my wife or maybe not. I was aching because of the void I felt within me. I can fully understand how many people try to fill that void as quickly as they can be it with aggressive GAL, immediately getting into another relationship etc. That wasn't the path for me.
I can recall posting quite some time ago moaning that I didn't want to be still alone when I turned 70 waiting for her to come back. I'm certainly not waiting for her, but I have no fears of being alone. I've always liked me and still do. I'm just more complete within myself now.
I used to also worry that I was "too old" to start something new with someone else and felt the cold hands of time on me and worried that life would pass me by.
Now that the settlement is agreed to even if not signed I am seeing that the door is opening in front of me to a new life. I can indeed make long term plans. I don't know what those plans might be but have been getting ideas.
Today I'll be bagging up Halloween candy for one of my favourite holidays.
Remembrance Day will follow and I will go to the cenotaph and bow my head and Remember.
Christmas comes after that. I may finally have a "real-tree" that I've always wanted but could never have. When I packed them up last Christmas I divided the ornaments so don't have to worry about bad memories then. I fully expect S23 to be with me on Christmas morning just like he has been for his whole life. I'm going to use Skype and my ChromeCast to have D25 and her H on the TV and share our Christmas with them just like I always have.
New Years eve will probably be spent alone like last year, texting back and forth with good friends, some of whom are also by themselves.
In the new year, I may go to the tropics by myself for a week of relaxing, visiting cafes and museums and a certain amount of sitting with a cold beer and a good book.
In March, back down to Virginia to spend my birthday with my D25 which is a new and good tradition.
And my life will be being lived.
I do have a lot to offer. To myself, my family, my communities and perhaps one day - to someone special.
Thank you all.
Last edited by job; 10/15/1705:10 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I have sat here and watched you grow by leaps and bounds and yes, you are stronger and wiser for the experience. I am so sorry that life tossed you this experience to deal with...but things do happen for a reason and it may not be your "reason", but hers to figure out. We just happened to be along for the ride...but we are the ones that suffer up front, but at the end of the day, we are the ones that have dealt w/what life has thrown our way, we've learned from it and we move forward whether w/the spouse, w/someone knew or solo...but the experience does make us wiser and more compassionate and even in some cases we learn to be more patient.
In your case, you have shown such dignity when dealing w/your wife's issues. You continue to amaze me w/the way that you are living your life and you are setting examples of how to move forward w/compassion and patience.
Yes, Andrew, you are a special man and that special someone will come along and share those holidays and the joys of what life has to offer you when you begin the new chapter in your life. I don't think you have to worry about growing old alone and w/several cats on your lap.
Today is a present, but tomorrow is unknown. It's a mystery it will reveal what life has to offer in due time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You inspire me. I hope I can get where you are. I love your attitude and the way you are living your life.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
So - shortly after my last post I got an unexpected email from the very nice lady who runs the book-shop suggesting we go out for dinner.
I accepted and we had a lovely time at a local pub around the corner from her house last night.
Early in the visit I mentioned in passing that I was planning on not making any significant changes in my life for a while. She's somewhat familiar with my story and felt that was a wise choice.
We talked all over the map for several hours about books, how great Tina Turner's legs looked during her last tour, the impact of socio economic policies on health-care outcomes - all the exciting stuff. And the last topic was one she brought up - not me although it is interesting stuff. I trotted out some of what I felt were my more funny stories and she laughed at the right parts.
Eventually I had to say that it was time for me to head home to get ready for work. She was prepared to argue about the bill and I made it pretty obvious that it didn't matter to me if I paid or if we split it. I paid and she says she'll pay the next time. I offered her a lift home, she refused saying that she lived just around the block. No hug - the body language wasn't there on either side I think.
When I got home I couldn't remember whether it was lavender or lilac scented paper that I should use for a thank-you note so sent a quick email thanking her for a lovely evening. A response came back this morning thanking me in turn and suggesting that we do it again at some indeterminate time in the future.
It was a nice time out with a person who had been a bit closer than just an acquaintance and will probably become a good friend. For the gossips out there, she's been divorced about 15 years after her own husband cheated on her and is probably in the neighbourhood of about 10 years older than me and maybe an inch or two taller.
She had expressed previously how disappointed she had been with her dating experiences so it was nice that she gave me a chance even though it's not going in that direction at present.
----
Not much else is going on. The settlement agreement is still with the lawyers but I've updated my budget planning to accommodate the support payments that I promised even if the signatures might be late. I'm keeping all of my files including the very painful evidence that I have of her infidelities until the divorce is final. I'm thinking of suggesting to S23 that he reach out to his mother to have that last walk-through of the house done.
Halloween is next week and I have my 100 bags of candy ready and done some decorating.
Life is good.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
There is absolutely nothing wrong in going out and having a nice time. From your posting, it sounds like both of you enjoyed doing something different and the conversation didn't get dull or come to a halt. I'm glad you and your friend had a nice evening. Nothing says you can't have lady friends. Enjoy the company.
I think you are wise to suggest that your son reach out to his mother and also, it's time for her to do the final walk thru.
I see you are more than ready for Halloween. Hopefully the weather will be nice for those looking for treats.
I think you have and continue to do a great job in handling your situation. Your advice to others has been spot on. Keep up the good work! BTW, give those kitties a treat for me.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
But I'm not alone because I'm the member of several communities. The village that I live in. My work. My friends both near and far. My children and extended family. And of course the DB community.
so sent a quick email thanking her for a lovely evening. A response came back this morning thanking me in turn and suggesting that we do it again at some indeterminate time in the future.