Ok I will lose the commentary. So is this the stage where I completely let go and give him what he wants? Just to walk away? It hard to stomach that our family will not be together again. Ever. Shared holidays. Kids going to different houses alternate weekends.
This is the part where you protect yourself financially, take care of your kids, live your life as if he is never coming back, and be the person you want to be for you. If he gets it and comes back, great, if not, you live a meaningful life. Focus on what you can control and let go of everything else.
Thank you. That is what I will do. It will be hard. But worth it in the end. I seriously cannot believe my life has come to this. And I cannot believe so many of us are in the same boat.
So like I said I see my lawyer next week. Very nervous about it. Last night I was out at a paint night thing and it was near a hotel. Someone saw my car there. Don't know how they knew it was mine. My car is a car that everyone has lol. But they saw it and let H know. He text me saying that someone saw me at the hotel. And I told him no. And that I was actually st the restaurant and what I was doing. He said he told the person who told him that he didn't care where I was. So ok. Today I did the worst thing ever. But I just felt like I had to know. I said H is this separation something you 100% want? And he said yes. He was done. ( I just found out he changed his address). So I said ok. I'm calm about it. I told him I was sad it ended it this way. But it is what it is. I just needed to know. I've been trying my very hardest this past month. And it's just been getting worse from him. Him changing his address. I called a lawyer for aconsult. And they asked me he's name and I gave it to them. And they said they couldn't help me due to a conflict. I finally dragged it out of H that he did indeed speak to a lawyer. So he is doing everything that needs to be done to end things. I guess it's over and it's now time for me to move forward and on.
I wish everyone better luck then I had. I wish no one had to go thru this. At least I will have some closure when I see my lawyer.
So I made an appt with a lawyer. I see her in a week. That was the soonest I could get in. I had a conversation with H. I told him I suspected it was his pride that was making him stay away. He said I told him my friends told him to be let him rot and he will eventually come crawling back. Which is a complete lie. I would never say that neither would any of my friends. Anyways he is always talking about my pride. So I looked at it differently and thought what if he was projecting onto me what he thought of him self. So I mentioned it. I said he believes his pride would be wounded if he came back. That people would think of him as weak. (He likes to be seen as having his sh.t together) and that that would not be the case. Only the people that didn't care about him might think like that. That there is no winning or losing in a relationship. There are no scoreboards. I said but I can't make him see things he doesn't want to see. Hen, stop these^^^ talks. Your words are hollow to him, and probably tiring. It is Not helping you.
Backing off is about the only thing you can DO, and it speaks so much louder than all these conversations wherein you are trying to convince him to stay in the r.
He does not want to be in the r, right now. The more you speak of it, the less meaningful your words.
The more you challenge his choices, the more he defends (and cements) them.
Talking about his pride is so not helpful. He's not going to slap his forehead later on, pondering it, and say "yes, that's right! I should rid myself of my pride and crawl back to her."
it's the same as telling him how and why he's wrong to want out. It's just not effective at all. He's fleeing faster.
I feel as if you are reverting to the same behavior. Not sure why. Maybe something to look at?
And then he said he was working and very very busy and had to go. So I know by his actions I have hit the nail on the head. No I think the opposite. I don't think you hit the nail on the head at all. I think he cannot stand these discussions and wants them to stop, enough that he walks out. Now how do I work around that? you don't. you stop ALL the focus on trying to control him, and stop trying to control the results of this. It's the same old, same old.
Work on you.
He keeps asking me to provide a budget and what I want out of the divorce. Is this the point where I give up? It seems pointless now. Looking for advice how to deal with someone who's pride is everything. Thanks.
Hen, it's not about giving up on the marriage; it's about giving up on trying to make him see something or make him choose differently.
Table the legal matters as best you can without tipping him off. You "need time to process and get past the holidays", etc
then make a plan.
this indecision and fear are HARD things to deal with. God, I know. But you can. You really can.
And as I said, it's not the same as "giving up" on the r.
It's giving up the need to control him, and to solely work on your life
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Henwen, go back and read the book again and memorize what 25 said to you. You keep saying you get it and are going to stop and then immediately you do it again. You are pushing him further and further away.
You had the perfect chance for him to wonder what you were up to. To be mysterious. And you BLEW IT. The next time he asks where you were, ignore it or give a little smile. He does not need to know where you are. He doesn't tell you what he is doing. Why would he tell the person he didn't care where you were. Of course he did or he wouldn't say it.
Please, stop the relationship talks, the commentary, the over explaining and focus on you and your life and be a mystery to him.
there is still hope. I wish you could stop putting so much weight into everything he does
and assuming it's all/nothing. So final. It's not. It's a step from this dysfunctional situation and it's space apart,
and then we shall see. If you can work elsewhere, I would.
For now, one step at a time. And no more asking him to cement his decision.
Truly not helpful. It's a rare person who admits confusion once they've decided to move out.
The LBSer is the last to know.
My older sister's h left after 22 years and they had 3 kids (rough teen years, she got to handle on her own).
2+ years later, and A month before she was remarrying, her h called to let her know that he "got it. He effed up, made a huge mistake and wished her the best in life."
I don't think they could have successfully reconciled but that's not my point.
My point is that the more she tried to lovingly convince him to stay, to show him where HIS happiness really lay,
the more he dug his heels in. But she was right. But there was no way he could hear her then.
I made what I considered organized cogent arguments to h. I cohesively explained why this departure was such a bad idea, and if I had been in court, as a lawyer, I'd have won.
But h was not a judge listening carefully to me, to make an objective fair decision.
Far from it.
I wasted so much time focussed on HIM/his actions/plans/feelings and the endless attempts to show him our family and marriage's worth.
That we were his priority but he just didn't know it, his confusion/pride were preventing him from seeing the truth.
But the truth was, h did not want to be a full time father to our children and h to me. Whether he admitted it to himself or not.
Period. Not saying your h is the same!
Just saying you need to take your focus OFF OF HIM
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I slept fitfully last night, but I feel in a better place. I did actually start to read the books last night, lol. I don't feel they will help me much now. I am trying to get it out of my head that nothing is permanent. But I think that thinking got me into the situation I am in. I am constantly wishful thinking that he will come back and he's not. So yes, finally and truly I am taking my focus off him. I signed up to join a divorce care group thru meetup. I am planning fun activities for the kids and I. I will see my lawyer, but postpone any info H wants at this time. Unless he serves me, then I will handle it from there. He still hasn't told me he changed his address. I don't understand why he doesn't tell me these things. But focus off him. I bought a gratitude journal the other day. Every day it asks me to write things I am going to let go. things I am grateful for and list three things I am going to do to make me happy and change. It's been really insightful. And you know what, maybe the universe is getting rid of H for me and making way for something better in my life.
and you are right, H is not going to slap his forehead and say I was right all along. But I mentioned the pride so I could pave the way home clear and tell him that I wouldn't hold anything against him. I guess it backfired. He still needs to tell his mom and his family. That will be like ripping a band aid off all over again. Because my family knows, but his doesn't. Oh well. space is what he wants, that is what he will get. I have gone complete NC except for the kids. I don't ask him for help with the house, my car, money, anything. I'm not going to ask him to move his stuff out. Just leave it. But really, what guy changes his address and talks to a lawyer and ever comes back?
So interesting. Today H texts me and says so you are serving me with papers? And I said why would you think that? And he said because a law firm keeps calling me. And I said nope. Not from me. And he said ok. No idea if he is actually getting a call. I did ask if he was working tomorrow. But I didn't tell him why. So he could think I was asking for that reason. Anyways for a guy who has been asking for me to come up with an agreement of what I want, he sure seemed scared I was serving with him papers tomorrow.
Still doesn't negate the fact he's changing his address without telling me. Oh well. I kept it simple and only answered his question.
Mine kept pushing me to get the separation contract done. I walked through the terms and told him what I was having written out. He freaked out and said, "this isn't the divorce is it?" I too was shocked by that, you are out of the house, sleeping with some whorish woman and suddenly concerned that it is the divorce? A year later, another woman, no separation contract (not even a single comment on the draft I sent 6 months ago) and no divorce filing (I check the county records).
You do need to mentally let go and stop hoping that he will come back. You do not have to answer his questions.
Very likely he was trying to find out if you were filing. They will often lie.
You really can do this. You need to believe this. And very likely the universe has something great for you when you are ready for it.
