Think seriously about telling people that your standing. This is inviting him to treat you as Plan B. What is going to make him concerned that he will lose you?
I've held back because I also have some apprehension. SIL has reached out to my brother and son as well to apologize for her brother. She also tell me a cousin knows and is really upset with him. Some of MIL's friends came to visit a few weeks back and were very supportive of me, angry with him. I know they don't agree with what he's doing. I think this is why I would feel comfortable contacting his aunts, but don't want to put them in an uncomfortable postion, if that's what they feel. I also thought writing a card, as opposed to a call would take any pressure off of them. I know blood is thicker than water and have no expectations of initiating or carrying out any future contact.
Being honest in why I might reach out are a few reasons. Primary is as I said before, give me some closure. I resent the way H has cut off my family and would like to end it in a better way - really just to tell them I love them and thank them for always treating me & S like family. Second to acknowledge my love for H and how I wished this would have ended differently. Basically to say not my choice and wish we could have worked on our marriage. And lastly, because these would be two people who H might be open to and actually hear, to say I would be open to reconciling in the future. As a way of saying, if he speaks to them & ever expresses remorse to encourage him to reach out to me. I know as long as he's w/ OW, nothing they say can change his mind right now. I don't want to encourage them to discuss any of this w/ him, unless it comes from him.
I really have to think about this. And maybe if that's what I have to do, I will conclude I shouldn't.
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
Its a tough choice and I can only share my experience with my Xh Family
They all lived in another state, so we were not super close I don't think his Mom ever really liked me anyway
But after H left the state and M -OW -she did reach out to us to see if she could still have a R with our kids, her grandkids she was heartbroken over H choices as her XH(XHDAD) did the exact same to her
We spoke several times over the next year or so b4 she passed I was grateful to have that time with her and to explain what my truth was I always wished Xh the best and told her I tried to help him but he was unreachable
I think this also helped her to understand what happened to him because when he left us he also left her and his sisters-sometimes with no number or way to =reach him
So I am grateful I spoke to her, shared my truth, wished him the best and never badmouthed his choices Hi Mom hated the OW, her new DIL- and at one point told him she could not ever come to visit ,,they banned her from the family--is What I heard, she was definitely a piece of work as many OW and OM are-
So I say follow your gut, speak to your IC and if you contact them the truth is always a good place to go--never badmouthing, but wishing well to H regardless of the pain he is causing you
Karma is not ours to determine but when we do the right thing, we get right results
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
It's so important to have outside perspective. As we go through this process, we aren't always thinking clearly, I know. It's interesting to see all 3 different advice and experiences. More pieces to the story to consider from this weekend. I still plan to hold off, since I'm still conflicted.
S & my birthdays were this weekend. Enjoyed spending time with friends and family. It was still bittersweet having all of this positive support, but S not even getting a bday text from H - I definitely never expected one. OW has same bday as S and was busy celebrating her this weekend. Just an extra piece of bullsh!t to add to the pile. Someone he's only known a few months takes priority over S. Disgusting. Anyway, I was going out with friends on Saturday and as I was getting dressed, received text from SIL inviting me over for a BBQ & to watch football. I was surprised. We text periodically but haven't really seen each other but once since BD. Thanked her and told her I had plans. She invited me to come to her the next day to her Sunday job so we could visit & she could give me a gift. Had fun with friends and it was a good night.
Sunday headed to meet with SIL. We spoke for a bit and she asked if H had failed to pay next mortgage. Re-cap, I saw that he was not going to pay, so I ended up paying before it was considered late. It turned out he paid a week later. I explained that to her and that started us talking about the situation. She again said that she's upset with him and family is too. They think it's in such poor taste that he has made his decisions so public with no regard to me, S. She has spoken to FIL about how H was so resentful of their lack of relationship & now how he is doing the same, worse to my S.
We sidetracked to speaking about FIL and his health. I was happy to hear that he has been doing a lot better. He has someone coming in to help take care of him, which is helping with his socialization. She said also that H not being around has helped improve the negative atmosphere for FIL. So there was a new revelation that he is now pretty much living/staying with OW. That stung, but I can't say I'm surprised. Answers the question of why he's stopped coming to the house completely, even when I'm not there. Moving so fast.
As I said, we discussed many things, so that was nice. We talked about how both families are doing. She then told me she had spoken w/ MIL's friend and told her she is so angry at H. This is his choice not hers. She loves me & S and doesn't want to cut us out of her life. MIL's friend spoke of her D experience and how her exH tried doing the same. However, she was still able to maintain a relationship w/ SIL, some 20 years later. Ultimately said if that's what you want, then that's what you do. I appreciated that, but told her I didn't want H to spew on her. She said, I don't care, I'm willing to take that hit. Wow. I was happy and surprised at how firm she was. This made me comfortable enough to ask her opinion on contacting aunts. She absolutely encouraged it. She again said family loves me and isn't supportive of how H has chosen to handle situation.
Own, you were pretty firm on your stance. Does this change that for you at all? I'm all about opinions, because there may be a side I haven't considered.
I don't know that I would maintain contact years from now, but maybe I will. peace, it was encouraging to hear your experience. In a situation we don't have much control of, it's nice to allow ourselves some closure by our own choice.
I go to see L on Thursday to begin going through financials. The list of what I need to bring is daunting. I don't have to feel positive about the meeting, but I at least hope to walk away without crying. Fingers crossed!
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
That is nice that SIL and his family are supportive I always found it helpful that hey could see the truth and my xh sisters have apologized for his behavior which helped me get more closure
I believe the MLCer family can see the truth anyway I think many LBS can maintain R with them as long as they are somewhat healthy I keep in touch with XH sisters once in a while and they do also in a pinch-they would be on his side and our R is distant but open but we live in different states-
I have a friend who maintained close contact with her xh family and her xh she celebrates many holidays with them still many years and many OWs later
sometimes thing stake. awhile to unfold and you will know what to do and when it is great that you wait until you get clear insight on what to do
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
LA, everyone has their own experiences and their own foundations. I think the issue is not so much how the first meeting goes, but how you will feel when they make up with him and you hear from them about he and the OW visiting and participating in family plans and how that will make you feel.
Seems like your time is better invested in your own people who will be with you through thick and thin and who don't come with stories and strings from the past.
But, the beauty of free will is that we all get to make our own decisions about these things and I am happy for you with whatever you choose.
I thought it was nice of SIL. As I have mentioned, his relationship with SIL and FIL is always up and down, so they see the truth. Own you're right, it's the future relationship that will be the issue. It's a good point and something I have thought about. If, let's say next holiday season, he's still w/ OW, I would think they would include her in their celebrations. I wouldn't expect them not to, but it absolutely would hurt. I do think I need to give things more time to unfold. My situation, in comparison, is still new and who knows what will happen even in a month.
As I said, it's really helpful to hear other perspectives. I appreciate the time you've taken to give that to me.
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
You are right best to give it more time..you will know sometimes the other person will make the contact and things will unfold naturally
It doesn't sound like you are trying to create any new R with any of them as much as to get closure..Thats what I have with my XH family..closure--that takes time a lot of time- but the door is open if they have a need to contact me for any reason I have moved on but it took this long-- Take your time
There is NO wrong move we can make..only lessons we need to experience some good..some we perceive as not good but in the end we get to where we are and that place is always good
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
peace, I don't think it would feel comfortable pushing any type of R with H's family. I am open to keeping some communication, if that's what they choose. I haven't been home and picked up some mail on Friday and one of his aunt's did send me a b-day card. She has always been good about sending cards for holidays, bdays, etc. She usually would send one for our anniversary, but obviously didn't this year, so I was happily surprised to see the bday card. Again, I'll see further on down the line where things shake out.
Journaling: Thursday was my meeting with L, which was the first since retaining. It was primarily to prepare my financial disclosures. First thing she asked is if I've been served, which I still haven't. She said he seemed pretty desperate initially and wondered why the hold-up. I took this as my opportunity to tell her that I am still not in favor of this divorce. Since I have not been served, I do not want to push anything forward. He will have to do the work required to get the ball rolling. She expressed her concerns where it might affect me down the line financially. I told her I understood and that I can't imagine myself being in limbo as I am now for 6-9 months from now. However, since it is still new to me, I am not there mentally or emotionally and will not help him with his divorce. She understood. At this point, with the exception of the house, there really isn't much to do. I do hope to have the house listed within the next month. If that's the case, I will have to contact H to discuss those specifics.
Since last week, I have not been staying at my house. I've been at my parent's which is where I was going to go temporarily until house is sold and I could find something else/smaller. I realized being alone in my home was really affecting my mood. I feel much stronger not being so isolated. It's not ideal but I appreciate having a place to go where I'm supported. I am also realizing I am struggling with my feelings for H. The distance/lack of contact helps me to forget him. However, when I do have to deal with him, my anxiety shoots through the roof, even with the smallest thing. I had set up the online account for our mortgage a number of months ago. I am the only one that accesses it, my contact information, etc are what's on the online account. Last week, he decided to change the email contact. It's dumb, but that really pissed me off. He didn't bother to set up the account and doesn't even have access to the login. I even question whether he'll make the next payment, but for some reason he needs to remove my email and add his??? I received an email notice of the change and my heart quickly started beating. I don't know if I'm in denial not having to deal w/ him & at the smallest point I do, anger, anxiety, sadness flood me. It just makes me think as D progresses, I will be removed from my cocoon and once again be confronted with H's choices. Daunting.
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
