I'll give my 2 cents. I follow your thread but don't post often. But the last time I posted, I predicted this.
It's his M.O. and cycle. The only difference is this time he deleted snapchat. Dramatic? Not really. He changes up his words a little each time, you see it as something different, give him a chance, then he pulls the same stuff.
I am certainly not telling you what to do. But this is my observation. This man less than a week ago wouldn't even take your kids swimming but made sure he went. Is he suddenly a changed man who wants to be the husband and father you need him to be?
You are a very smart put together woman. Sometimes it's hard to see things when we are on the inside of situation. And I am afraid from the outside, it certainly seems as if he is playing you. he knows the cycle.
Would I sound cynical to say it's too much for someone to get a character transplant in a week?
Just a week ago he was a totally self absorbed nasty man (who was only nasty to you b/c HE felt bad??)
a week ago he was a guy who would rather "pray" and ignore his family or take a nap after HE had a hard day.
And now he sees that you might become free, and that means free to attract the attention of another man.
Your dilemma is b/c you obviously want (& hope)for the guy to repair himself and then to rebuild a marriage with him and then to hope the repairs take and last.
You also don't want to get sucker punched anymore, and you'd rather be on your own or in a healthy r with a man who does the sexy thing called "effort" - and for more than a month.
It's a dilemma. Knowing what I know now?? Can't go there.
At a minimum, I'd want him to get intensive individual counseling and since your h portrays the image of some piety, I'd get the helpful kind of cleric to do a whole lot of work with your h.
Not just an IC, and NOT just a cleric, but both.
If you have that "itchy sweater" feeling again, or at all, that's your gut talking. Don't shut that voice down.
You're not "crazy" or a "controlling b1tch" or " too demanding" - to want and expect and deserve a man who means & keeps his vows.
Good grief. And good luck in whatever you choose.
We are rooting for you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I know I can rely on 25, Own, and Sky to be more eloquent and thorough in their responses, so I am gonna just cut to the chase :-) I am calling a big, steaming pile of BULL-CHIT on your H right now. I am surprised by none of this and have been expecting (and waiting) for all of it. I actually expected he would drop to his knees, cry, and beg a little ... Here is the thing, he is only cracking because you are truly detaching and he sees he is losing you. Does he actually feel guilty and remorseful? Will he actually look inside himself and change into the partner you (and the kids) need and deserve? That, I have no idea. I don't think any of us can know that yet. But this here--pursuing and again he is blame shifting (oh Sara, you are actually being nice, I am so surprised, now I can actually consider you an option) BS, is not what I think you are looking for. I think you are looking for a man that is genuinely wanting to change and be better person for his W, kids, and mostly for himself. I think you can only measure that with consistent actions over time. So my advice is to keep forward on your path and do as you are planning. In the mean time, let's see if he decides to do the hard work of looking inside himself and then continuing on that path and staying there ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
You have to ask yourself, what would sincere effort on his part look like?
Intensive individual therapy.
Regular participation in a men's only SLAA meeting (sex and love addiction 12 step program. Men's only because he doesn't need to be around female sex addicts.).
Full transparency - giving you passwords to his email, phone etc.
I agree with others, his interest once you fully let go is pretty typical. It may not last the week. But if it does, and if you consider taking him back, don't do it until he has met the minimum requirements above and shown consistent change for at least six months.
One more warning - from someone who successfully reconciled with my husband, only to have him go off the deep end again years later: if there is an underlying character defect, true long term change is unlikely.
Be careful +++ He is pulling out the full package, don't fall for it, he is starting to realize that he cannot have his cake and eat it too and he is not happy about that, so the "charming" guy is coming out, how convenient...he knows you, he knows what to say since he did several times before and you BELIEVED him each time. Don't be a fool!
You are looking great because you are finally freeing yourself from his influence and you don't give a ... anymore. You are starting to regain confidence in you and that's fantastic.
You might set up a list of criteria and boundaries... and see if he can follow them for a few weeks/months without trying to negotiate some points and find ways around. Words are something, actions are something else. Aim high! Test him... if you want...You are in charge of your life.
Meanwhile no R talks and no intimacy, you need to find peace because trust me the anger waves are coming soon (again)...
Try to look at your situation from the outside, imagine if someone was telling you that story... what will you think of it?
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
This reminds me of recurring conversations I have with my teen daughter. No, you can't get back [some privilege she lost] right away by promising that you'll be good from now on. Demonstrate good attitude and good behavior for a few days first, and then you may earn it back.
It's so hard to be knee deep in a situation and see clearly.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Oh Sara, I don't know how I missed your last posts!
This frightens me FOR YOU.
I see you being pulled into his sticky web. I have no feelings for the man, since I don't even know him, EXCEPT all I can think of is the enormous pain he has brought into your home.
I'd love nothing more than for him to become the man you can be happily, SECURELY married to for years to come..... but it would take a LOT of change for me to buy into the BS.
PLEASE be wise and careful. You have too much to offer a man, to settle for less than a trustworthy, loyal, unselfish, kind man who will put your needs above his own.
((((( Sara ))))))
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Hope you are doing ok! Whatever the road you are choosing to follow proceed with cautious. I know that feeling when suddenly you are being appreciated/recognized by your H after years of neglect and/or mental abuse, it fills you with hope and happiness but real change takes time and is another roller coaster.
Taking a break without taking a decision is sometimes beneficial, it helps the emotions to settle down and see the situation under another angle. I remember saying to my H when he was pressuring me to piece (when I told him that I was done and ready to file) that I needed to be left alone mentally and physically but meanwhile he had to follow my boundaries and my criteria if he wanted me to even consider his request but I was sure of nothing and I might still file in 6 months or in 1 year. I resisted his urge of moving on fast... somehow I knew he just wanted to sweep things under the rug and it was not for my best interest for the long term. People change only if they are forced to work on themselves which is painful, it forces them to take a hard look at their past actions, to acknowledge them and instead of blaming others to take full responsibility. That's not something enjoyable... so putting pressure on us to move on with a bundle of promises is a way to avoid to do that work but sadly it will not solve their deep issues for the long term and they will reappear after a while.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
I've been thinking about you and your sitch, which is tremendously challenging, and this popped into my head yesterday. I may be totally off base so please disregard if it doesn't fit for you.
It occurred to me that WH is conditioning you. I've heard this slogan from another programme - "We teach people how to treat us." It occurred to me that this is what he is doing, whether consciously or unconsciously.
What I mean is that when you're happy, light, take the pressure off, have no expectations/demands of him to piece in an authentic, responsible and committed way, when you basically let him do whatever he wishes, on his schedule, that he rewards you with a declaration of commitment. But when you start laying down the boundaries and expressing frustration at his lack of commitment to helping you heal, when you start bringing up difficult subjects up about what happened etc (I am guessing), he withdraws and shuts down. He rewards you with a glimpse of your dream when you do what he wants, and withdraws it when you don't. It looks like to me he's teaching you how to treat him.
My apologies for the delay in response as well as I can't address each person individually right now as I am solo parenting right now. (WH is on call this weekend)
This week I have continued to be detached and submitting more paperwork to put the divorce in the "launch" position. WH is aware of this and has submitted his paperwork as well. In the meantime he signed us up for Retrouville (after asking me if it would be okay) next weekend. He called my mom and asked her to provide childcare, I am sure she was perplexed as he has never done that before, and she said yes. WH maintains his desire for us to R and I continue to be neutral and tell him my honest thoughts, I am not sure.
This week has been a challenge as we've had guests from out of town, all of the kids have a cold and my work has been very heavy. In the meantime I continue to carve out time for myself and GAL. I had my hair done and will be taking the kids to the fair today with a friend.
WH has been more engaged with the kids but we all know this can be temporary as he's had his "nice" cycles in the past. I am enjoying the easing of my load but not really depending on it to stick. I see WH looking at me for long periods of time and then his face looks pained. I'm not even going to try and mind read what is going through his head. Well, my baby is coughing and the kids are clamoring for breakfast so I better get today started. I'll keep trying to update during my spare moments, lol!
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
