My Journey with WAS (Part 5)

[Maika]

25 - Thanks again for your response on Benni's thread. Continuing the conversation here.

Really good insight, b/c you took a very minor choice your w made, a choice with no moral or financial implications, you morphed her difference of opinion into a character flaw on her part.

And kept it all inside. May I ask how long this took for you to realize? Yeah, it's something my kids and I had to live with for a long time. I do not miss that part of h

I think that I knew deep down that I was being ridiculous and unfair to W, but I never really critically thought about it. I truly realized it after BD. I started IC right away and one of the things that I hadn't thought of how my behaviour was about me wanting to control everything in my environment because of so much emotional, mental, and physical instability that I have faced in my life. This need for control seemed to be hard wired in me as a way to feel grounded and protect myself. I translated that into me being so organized and logical etc etc. And when I started viewing others, especially W, as having a character flaw rather than just seeing her behaviour for what it was - different choices and methods. Nothing wrong with that.

how did you radiate it towards her?

Staying with the dishwasher example - I would rearrange it if it wasn't upto my liking. When she would cook, I would hang out in the kitchen with her and she felt like she was being scrutinized - she wouldn't exactly say that, but would say like what are you looking at, or you have a funny expression on your face. I wasn't purposefully trying to 'supervise' what she was doing, but it definitely came across that way and I was looking at how she was doing things and it would get me annoyed. When she cooked, she'd make a huge mess, and I don't cook that way. I am also a better cook than her - this isn't my perception, it's the truth - and so I thought that my methods were inherently superior as I was the better cook.

This is all exacerbated by the fact that her mom all her life has pretty much been on her case to be more organized. Her mom is even worse than me in this regard, so I am guessing she felt that a version of her mom was always around as I was exhibiting similar behaviours, just not as extreme as MIL.

But good on you for working on it. Serioulsy.

I'm just saying how it may have felt to your w/kids. The more you show the new you, the better for them and for you

I am trying to work on it and I know it's not going to change over night. The main issue is me needing to control everything in my environment and I have to work with IC to understand how to deal with that better. But, I am having a hard time figuring out a strategy of how to respond to stuff like this. My S7 does this kinda stuff, and it gets me worked up. And I hate that about myself right now. I feel like I am some drill sergeant and I need to relax.

So, if you have any suggestions about how I can work on this, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[joejoe1]

Maika,

I have the same problem. I'm in the Army and I would bring that mentality home. My wife hated it. She always told me and say, i'm not one of your soldiers. And she is/was right.

Now I don't get worked up over small things. I can tell she has noticed. If the kids spill or pour to much milk and don't drink it. I just remind myself they are kids. If my wife does something I don't like, I tell myself is it worth bringing up. Will it really affect me if I do. If the answer is no, I leave it alone.

I also, start just taking deep breaths in those moments. I use to get mad if we were late to functions. I love being on time. Now I say, we make it when we make it. Will I die if I don't make it on time. No I won't so. I just roll with it.

Once I start letting those small things stop bothering me, I start to feel a lot better. The anxiety start to go away about all kind of things. I use to get on my wife about the way she drove and parked the car. Now I'm like, we get there how we get there, she parks how she parks. It doesn't matter because we are all different people and do things different. As long as we make it to our destinations or get the desire outcome, it don't fret my nerves over it. I practice my patient while driving if people cut me off and go slow in the fast lane, I say you know what, it's not that serious. I'm going to get where I'm going so, it's no big deal.

[Maika]

Thanks Joe. I appreciate hearing about how you're working on it. I am trying to be vigilant and self-aware in how I am feeling and recognizing situations beforehand where I know that I am going to get irritated.

So, either I can get annoyed or let it go and see it for what it actually is. I have to say that I am nowhere near being great at it right now, but I have tons of opportunity to practice with my kids because I know that I get like that around them.

If I can figure it out, and truly figure it out and be chill, with my kids, then I know I can do that with her as well.

I think the deeper issue that is driving all of this for me is to have that sense of control of everything around me. And this is due to lotsa stuff in my life where I had no control over things and I had to just adapt and survive. I am not in survival mode anymore and so I need to figure out how to keep that beast underground. I know that if I ever truly need to be in survival mode, I can do it. But, it doesn't have to be every minute of every day. If I can solve that, I know that I can solve a lot of other issues that I have.

[TBSakaJ9]

Your on the right path M...either way you are going to be just fine, I can tell! Any contact with the W? Are the Christmas lights up?

[Maika]

Thanks J. Yeh, I know I am on the right path and I gotta put in the work for myself. I want to be a better dad and a better person.

I did have contact with W. I needed some help with something in my new place and I asked her to help me. She had offered to come help me when I was moving with anything I needed. Normally, I don't ask for help and try to do it all by myself. I need to learn how to ask and accept help. I could've asked one of my buddies, but I asked her instead because I do value her input. It went pretty good - I was chill and positive and didn't feel like I was on edge.

One of the things that she has said to me is that you're just going to be stay so angry and resentful and I want to show her that I am not going to operate that way. DB coach said that I should focus on positive interactions whenever they happen. I am not going to create situations where I can hang out with her, but this was one where I took up on her offer of help and gave me a chance to be not angry and resentful.

Xmas lights aren't up yet lol. I've been super busy with work and I won't see relief until end of this month. So, plan is to get to all of that after.

[joejoe1]

Maika,

Let me tell, that's where my practiced started, with my boys. I knew if I could be patient with them I could patient with anyone.

I'm a super control freak as well. Well I was. I can't believe I have gotten to this point. I just let things slide off my back and address those issues in a positive manner. My S6 is just like me and test my patients the most. Now I work my hardest, to positively address issues with him. If he does something I can't stand. I say, "Hey, S6, is that the right thing to do? I let him answer, then I explain what the right thing is." I then give him a kiss or hug. These are huge 180s for me.

I haven't had a anger outburst in a long while. I'm knocking on wood at the moment. But I have notice, everytime I address situations in anger, NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM IT. If I keep my calm, I turn heads. People actually don't mind being around me. Including my W. Who just a few weeks ago didn't. Now she's doing all kind of things around the house, and cooking me food. And kind of other things. That thick cloud has went way down in our home. I'm not reading nothing into it. But I don't is due to her now being able to approach me. And she know I won't criticize or get upset.

[Maika]

Yeah that's where I am starting too - with my kids. I know that if I can figure this out with them, then I can figure it out with anybody else.

I don't usually get angry, but I get super annoyed and irritated, which is because things are not going the way I want them to. I hope to dial that way down and learn how to be chill. Not everything has to be structured down to the very last detail.

[TBSakaJ9]

One of the things that she has said to me is that you're just going to be stay so angry and resentful and I want to show her that I am not going to operate that way.

My W made this comment to me about a month after she moved out. I was still in shock and we all went out to breakfast as a family (the last time) after my D's basketball game. We were talking about something and she made the comment that she didn't blame me if I was angry at her. I just commented back that I was not angry and continued on eating. I think they do that to get a gauge on where you are at mentally.

I am not going to create situations where I can hang out with her, but this was one where I took up on her offer of help and gave me a chance to be not angry and resentful.

Good and good, positive all the time. If you are angry then she is in control of your emotions. She doesn't deserve that power.

Xmas lights aren't up yet lol. I've been super busy with work and I won't see relief until end of this month. So, plan is to get to all of that after.

Dude......priorities . I bet that closet is banging though!!!

[Maika]

I think they do that to get a gauge on where you are at mentally.

Absolutely. It's a bit funny when they don't see the reaction and demeanor that they are expecting. I know it's tripped up my W when she expected me to be angry at her and cut her out - which I really wanted to do, but decided that this was one of the things I needed to improve upon for all my relationships.

Dude......priorities smile. I bet that closet is banging though!!!

Haha! Yeh, the closet is all good. Got big plans for the bedroom and it will come together next month - xmas lights, a nice red chaise lounge with a side table, a japanese room divider to hide my small office corner, and also some paper lantern lights hanging off the bed. It's all going to be set up for some sexy adventures, whenever they happen in the future.

[TBSakaJ9]

Absolutely. It's a bit funny when they don't see the reaction and demeanor that they are expecting.

I think this is one thing the WW doesn't expect to happen and works in our favor. Most of us forget we have the playbook and they don't. They expect us to question them, try to control them, ask them questions, rock back and forth in the corner crying our eyes out. The best thing we can do is show them that they no longer control our emotions and we will be fine without them. No one likes or wants someone who is needy, clingy, angry or controlling.

You just have to let it all go........