Me: That was a work call that I had to take WW: I figured WW: You seem cold and distant though Me: I’m not trying to be either...cold or distant Me: I know you’re busy and you wanted space WW: Ok
Feel like I should have left it at “I’m not trying to be either”
Question though:
I haven’t been cold rather I’ve been treating WW as I would treat a grocery store clerk(shout out to Sandi).
Is this WW temp checking thinking “uh oh, he’s withdrawing”?
Me: Yes or no do you still want Divorce? WW: I don’t know WW: I can’t make that decision right now
Don't temperature check her, ever. You read Sandi's rules every day, right? FOLLOW THEM. That's actually good that she says she doesn't know. But if you keep asking, you will force her into D. So don't ask. Give her time and space.
Originally Posted By: Raysd6
I may need to reclassify WW as MLC
She's not a science experiment. Quit sticking her under a microscope, DBing is about YOU, not her. What happened to those goals you said you were writing out? You skipped over that and went right back to micro-analyzing W.
Quote:
WW: Unfortunately you're controlling ways are not appealing Me: If you could provide recent examples of my controlling ways that would be really helpful for my personal growth
Read the thread on validation again. "You say I was controlling, it sounds like that was very frustrating for you, is that how you felt? I'm sorry I made you feel that way." The irony of your response is it sounds controlling in and of itself, and also sounds like you're challenging her to come up with examples because you don't believe her.
Quote:
WW: Not leaving the house Me: What do you feel I'm trying to control? WW: Refusing to leave "the marital bed". Worst thing you could say Me: I feel differently but I do appreciate you being open and honest with me WW: It is unfortunate that you don't see how detrimental that behavior is
She's trying to guilt you into leaving. Don't fall for it. Again, the beauty of validating is it is NOT explaining/ reasoning/ arguing, negotiating. You just validate her feelings and move on.
Originally Posted By: Raysd6
A few minutes WW texted me an audio file of a voicemail from DD17's attendance office regarding DD17 being absent from one or more classes today.
I got an email with the same message as well as the same voicemail on my cell phone. I'm tempted to respond with "Thanks! I do get the same email and voicemail messages from the attendance office"
I think I'll just leave it alone and not respond.
Possible temp checking?
Actually I think your response would have been fine. And no, this isn't temp checking. It's just her trying to keep you informed on kid stuff. Temp checking would be her asking you something about the relationship, or if you're thinking about dating or something along those lines.
Quote:
Me: That was a work call that I had to take WW: I figured WW: You seem cold and distant though Me: I’m not trying to be either...cold or distant Me: I know you’re busy and you wanted space WW: Ok
You do understand that giving someone space means NOT SAYING STUFF LIKE THAT? I think if you're honest with yourself you said that because you were hoping she'd say "oh I don't want space, I think we need to spend more time together!" You really need to stop with the pressure already!
Quote:
Question though:
I haven’t been cold rather I’ve been treating WW as I would treat a grocery store clerk(shout out to Sandi).
Is this WW temp checking thinking “uh oh, he’s withdrawing”?
Do WWS see that as “cold”?
Ray, I really get the impression you are living in constant fear of doing something wrong. "I said this and she said that, what does it mean?" You've got to look at the big picture and it is this:
- She is DONE. The M is OVER.
- ^^^THAT is how she is going to feel for a LONG TIME, no matter what you say or do.
- Every 180 you do right now is "too little too late" as far as she is concerned, and will actually make her angry because you didn't do the 180's when SHE wanted you to.
- You are doing everything for YOU, not HER. Make yourself the best "you" that you can be and quit worrying about how she interprets it, because right now she doesn't give a crap about you (I know that sounds harsh, but keep in mind that's her -current- mindset, it will change later).
- Really and truly give her time and space. Stop with all these weird temperature checks you're doing. No she hasn't changed her mind. That's months down the road, maybe longer.
- Have a long-term vision. If she changes her mind, it will be a long time from now and it will be because SHE processed her issues. Once she does then you want her to look back and see an awesome you enjoying life without her. Then she might want to recon.
First off...thanks AS for visiting my sitch again!
I do agree with all that you've said in your response.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Ray, I really get the impression you are living in constant fear of doing something wrong. "I said this and she said that, what does it mean?"
I've always been fascinated with psychology so the above is not so much specific to my sitch but my general curiosity about the human mind.
That combined with an Engineering mind adds to my constant analysis of human interactions.
I did have a very nice conversation with a relatively attractive woman last night and that did give me a confidence boost and the general feeling that everything is going to be alright!!!
I was out of town a couple weeks ago flying out on a Sunday. WW worked a craft fair at a winery and had been drinking wine throughout the day. DD17 went 3 hours away without informing myself or WW. I was in the air at the time and got this via text using the planes WiFi. Landed and got my luggage and called WW to discuss dealing with the DD17 situation. As I was out of town, WW was going to stay with DD's while I was away. I asked if WW was at the house and she said "no...we were drinking wine all day and I didn't want to drive home after drinking so we went back to XXX and XXXX's house" (friends that WW is staying with). I called DD17 and explained that she can't just up and go 3 hours away with friends and not inform us prior.
Immediately afterwards I had the following text exchange:
Me: I feel it was irresponsible of you to have been drinking all day to the point where you couldn't drive home tonight to be with your daughters WW: I'm just tired...heading home now WW: There you go judging me WW: This is why we will not be together WW: All I wanted was your support and you turn this back on me
So throughout the week WW was firm on starting the D process. I told her "do what you feel you need to do, just let me know where I need to be and what time". I did pursue and ask her if she's sure this is what she wants to do. I also let her know that I won't stand in her way but I will only do what is asked of me no more, no less e.g. I will not expedite the divorce process.
A few days later had the following exchange:
WW: I found a mediator for $XXXX.XX should I make an appointment? WW: What do you think? Me: Up to you...Late afternoon works best for me
Tuesday this past week we agreed to switch off staying at the house on a week on week off schedule. DD's need their mother and I don't know if I can be around WW right now anyway. I may be the one who needs some space now.
WW made an appointment with a mediator for later in the week.
In MC later that day, WW went from "I don't know if we can reconcile" in the beginning to "If we divorce..." towards the end. I validated her feelings throughout the session and didn't argue or disagree.
During the session WW got very vulnerable which is significant because I've never seen her get that vulnerable during a counseling session. WW also noticed my changes(GAL activities) and said that in the past my changes have been temporary and that I only improve myself when we separate.
WW texted the following after I went to sleep:
WW: Divorce is not my first choice Me: Ok
Later that day:
WW: I canceled tomorrow (the Mediation appointment) Me: Ok
Then I sent her a text regarding finances.
She had mentioned in previous conversations a fire pit at our mutual friend's house that WW is staying at. Thursday night text exchange:
WW: I’m ordering a great fire pit...what’s the ending numbers for CC WW: Picture of fire pit Me: Nice!!! Me: Is that Jack and Jill’s? (the picture she sent me) WW: Yes WW: Can you finish the order on xxxxxx? WW: It’s awesome
While I was asleep:
WW: I wish we had the love Jack and Jill have Me: I feel we can have that same love
Last night I watched DD15 cheerlead at her HS's football game and sent two videos of DD15 to WW.
Had a brief logistical exchange with WW.
Before I went to sleep I sent a pursuing text:
Me: "The art of love is...largely the art of persistence" WW: I don’t know what the right thing to do is
Had a great session with my IC and she gave me a "Thinking Distortions" exercise for homework. So when you have a negative thought, challenge it like an attorney(shout out to 25yearsMLC) and write down a counter thought.
Me: I need to be the rock of the family and a force of stability Counter thought: I just need to be available for my DD's
GAL activities: Exercising, Guitar, Weekly lunch with Mom, studying for certification( at home or at local coffee shop), side computer project, nightly jacuzzi, church, scheduling a visit to an out of town friend in the winter, work travel.
I lifted the following from resolut's "WW won't separate" thread:
Originally Posted By: tread
I'm with AnotherStander. First 6 months it's completely dealing with your emotions. By the end of that period is when you really see the WS for who they are.
I'm coming up to the six month mark since BD and I may be at this point. I don't know what changed maybe it was the confidence boost from talking to a female at the terrace lounge when I was recently out of town. She was cute and I made her laugh quite a few times...made me realize that perhaps my mojo is returning? It's a strange feeling that I don't obsess anymore about what WW is doing, what is WW thinking, etc. I guess I'm at the acceptance point.
In MC last week, I said "I want to R but I have no control over WW...she has to make that decision"
Later that night WW texted "Divorce isn't my first choice"
Had a great session with my IC and she gave me a "Thinking Distortions" exercise for homework. So when you have a negative thought, challenge it like an attorney(shout out to 25yearsMLC) and write down a counter thought.
Me: I need to be the rock of the family and a force of stability Counter thought: I just need to be available for my DD's
How is that a negative thought? It seems like exactly what you should be doing.
Not so much a negative thought but more that's putting a ton of pressure on yourself.
Is it? I dont think it's a lot of pressure to suggest that you should be the stable one while your partner is going through a time of mental distress. What is the alternative?
R....I agree with K. Time to stand tall and if your shoulders aren't broad enough hit the gym and do some presses. It's hard, I struggle with it as well but standing for your family is admirable and has been one of the most character building experiences I have gone through. It takes strength, courage and determination however I am personally a better person for it.
There should be no pressure, you got nothing to lose because it's already gone.
