Rebuilding my life #3

[Benito]

OK..

"I say something like "let this be the final apology and my trust that our marriage would have been savable, but I let you do what you feel is the right choice; I am not going to file it myself"?

Because I can step away from the pain you are going through I can see what you say from a different angle.

Is she stupid?.. do you really have to write down to notify her you don't want her to leave? or is 'a last roll of the dice' kind of vibe to it.

Which means than rather than allowing her to naturally see something to want to come back to, you are trying essentially make her feel a little sad for leaving you if your honest and 'maybe' sway her opinion.

I personally think that you know deep down that 'at the moment' you arent the guy for her. So you overcompensate by trying to get some validation.

Just give it time. Truly focus on yourself and what will be will be.

[lcause]

B, I told her things I now regret. E.g. I'm pushing it through, I don't see a future for us etc back when I was angry and so sure I wouldn't take her back. That's why I have no idea what she even thinks about my intentions. I did say I'm sorry and explained that I was probably just trying to convince myself, and that I really appreciate her effort in our marriage... To which she said that she understands and accepts the apology. I'm not trying to make her sad, just say my final apology and "stand" for the M because I loved her and truly wanted to seek for all the possible help to save it. It took a lot to accept that I'm depressed and seek help for it. I should've done it before but I didn't. I probably wouldn't be here now if I did. I can only learn from my mistakes and hope that there's no health issues so I still have a good 40-50 years left - enough for a lot of happiness.

I will give it time, but by then it's too late D is going through in two months. She is more and more in love with OM. But those are things I can't control and dwelling on them will do no good. There is a future for me, just need to find my true passions, study more/get a job (->confidence, value for women), I'm pretty good looking and I am really funny when I'm not tired. So yes, I can see myself possibly enjoying family life in 5-10 years from now Not with XW but with someone new.

[AnotherStander]

DB'ing is damn difficult. We come here for advice and we get a lot of "go dark", "friendly neighbor" "his/her sandbox" "counter intuitive" "not my circus" "no pursuit" etc. You get the picture. This is confusing..

It is hard when you have been dumped like yesterdays newspaper to be friendly towards the XW. Particular when there is a third party involved. We probably on some level want to be friendly but on the other hand, we do not like to be taken advantage of.

We don't really discuss this much because it rarely comes up, but in an emergency situation you should always do what is right regardless of where you are in your DB'ing. You may be 100% dark with your W, but if she has a medical issue and asks for help, do the right thing. Whether that's watching the kids or driving her to the doctor or hospital or calling people for her or picking up prescriptions, it is the right thing to do and trumps DB'ing temporarily. You can always get back to DB'ing after the emergency has passed.

Well, I managed to destroy the small tiny ittybitty chance by telling her I'm better off. I was angry, hurt and stupid, but I can't change how I behaved so there's no reason to dwell on there but to accept the scenario and move on. This pushed her more towards OM, albeit I know they were seeing much more than what she told me.

Stop the mind-reading LC. You really don't know what your W is thinking AT ALL. She probably doesn't know herself. She's confused and in turmoil. The whole idea of DB'ing isn't to give up and move on, it's to move forward. Leave your W to sort through her mess, you sort through yours. Quit trying to analyze and predict and plan, just LIVE YOUR LIFE and let her live hers. That's it.

And please, STOP talking about spending time with other women and starting a new R and such, you ARE NOT READY. Not even close. Look at your timeline, you've barely started in this journey. It's a 26 mile marathon and you've taken a few clumsy, halting steps. You have a ton of emotional healing to go before you should consider bringing another woman into your life and especially your kids' lives.

I don't know how I should handle it, should I go sign the paper if she even asks me to or should I say something like "let this be the final apology and my trust that our marriage would have been savable, but I let you do what you feel is the right choice; I am not going to file it myself"?

If she does all the work on the D and all that's left is your signature, then sign. If you've already apologized for whatever your mistakes were in the M, then don't apologize again. A lot of LBS's apologize over and over and that just looks pathetic to a WAS. Once or twice is fine, no need to beat a dead horse.

I don't know why people are saying "there's always hope" "you will most likely get a chance to recon" for me, because they don't know my sitch at all.

LOL! Brother we know your sitch very, very well. You think this is our first rodeo? This is YOUR first rodeo. For a lot of us, your situation is one of hundreds we've followed. And for Michele and her coaches, I'm sure the sitches they've monitored number in the thousands. Trust DB'ing.

[lcause]

We don't really discuss this much because it rarely comes up, but in an emergency situation you should always do what is right regardless of where you are in your DB'ing. You may be 100% dark with your W, but if she has a medical issue and asks for help, do the right thing. Whether that's watching the kids or driving her to the doctor or hospital or calling people for her or picking up prescriptions, it is the right thing to do and trumps DB'ing temporarily. You can always get back to DB'ing after the emergency has passed.

One more nail to the already sealed coffin then

Stop the mind-reading LC. You really don't know what your W is thinking AT ALL. She probably doesn't know herself. She's confused and in turmoil. The whole idea of DB'ing isn't to give up and move on, it's to move forward. Leave your W to sort through her mess, you sort through yours. Quit trying to analyze and predict and plan, just LIVE YOUR LIFE and let her live hers. That's it.

And please, STOP talking about spending time with other women and starting a new R and such, you ARE NOT READY. Not even close. Look at your timeline, you've barely started in this journey. It's a 26 mile marathon and you've taken a few clumsy, halting steps. You have a ton of emotional healing to go before you should consider bringing another woman into your life and especially your kids' lives.

Isn't expecting them to be in turmoil mind reading too? She could very well be glad that she finally got rid of me and found someone better. If she leaves me and wants to pursue a relationship with someone else, it's rather clear which one of those it is.

I am not pursuing other women now. I am just talking about my future with someone new. There's a big difference. I am not ready like you said and I am just not very attractive currently due to poor job.

If she does all the work on the D and all that's left is your signature, then sign. If you've already apologized for whatever your mistakes were in the M, then don't apologize again. A lot of LBS's apologize over and over and that just looks pathetic to a WAS. Once or twice is fine, no need to beat a dead horse.

It's not what I did in my M, but what I've done since BD. A month or so ago I got really pissed off and was so sure I'd never want to be with her anymore so I decided for god knows to state that I'm fine, I'm going to do it myself, I was depressed due to our relationship, we both said we can't ever be again yadayada. I did apologize this already, but I'm a model DB screw-up

She doesn't require my name there. She can file it completely without my knowledge. I just get a paper in mail afterwards that we are divorced legally.

LOL! Brother we know your sitch very, very well. You think this is our first rodeo? This is YOUR first rodeo. For a lot of us, your situation is one of hundreds we've followed. And for Michele and her coaches, I'm sure the sitches they've monitored number in the thousands. Trust DB'ing.

Those people have not screwed up and been bad husbands. I DO know if you compare our M to a new one, grass IS greener unless the guy is abusive or an alcoholic. Now I don't want to dwell on this and I can offer a much better one going on now, but she will always remember how horrible I was. I'm at least 90% at fault for the demise of our M.

For me DBing is more of a life style, a guide how to get better. I just don't trust it saving my situation, but that's ok. I just wish I could get this hope off myself so I could stop dreaming about things. It also sparked my interests in reading relationship material and overall finding out how real relationships work. When you are just going with the flow, you will most likely fail. MR is really hard work.

[Tread]

Icause,

Actually OM typically have done worse. The OM my W is onbsessed with is a multiples time serial cheater. Even left his family once to be with the OW. Then came crawling back to his W after kicking the woman to the curb after ahe left her own H. OM since theb continues to mess with other W. They leave their families, while he stays with their W. Then repeat to another W, until he eventually met mine. OM E told me all about her H behavior. I told this to my W, but she is going to learn the hard way as usual.

When it's all said and done. My W is going to lose me, S13 respect, home and has already lost close/oldest friends due to her behavior. All over some man who will never leave his W and family. I can honestly see my W playing in traffic once this fog lifts. Because she has contemplated suicide in the past for less.

So trust me, OM is far from being better than you. He just happens to be new and exciting at the moment. My W will eventually see that she is nothing more than one of his booty calls once every couple of months.

[lcause]

Thanks for your supportive words Tread, but this OM is a regular guy, not anything like that. The only thing he has is that he didn't want to ever have kids a year ago but now that he left his long term R (not sure when), he seems to want to have kids and is ok to date a woman with two. But trust me, this guy isn't a serial cheater or anything like that. I can however see that your wife will eventually get hurt badly.

[Benito]

Thanks for your supportive words Tread, but this OM is a regular guy, not anything like that. The only thing he has is that he didn't want to ever have kids a year ago but now that he left his long term R (not sure when), he seems to want to have kids and is ok to date a woman with two. But trust me, this guy isn't a serial cheater or anything like that. I can however see that your wife will eventually get hurt badly.

Out of curiosity have you ever had a conversation with the guy to get to know him?

Im guessing not. If not that paragraph above is complete fantasy in your mind.

A regular guy? - Who was probably having a EA with a pregnant women? - Seems like a c**t to me.

Stick to the facts. You have NO idea at all about their relation or him.

[Tread]

Benito is right. And the question is what does OM think about your W in the long term. Would he ever be able to completely trust her knowing that she cheated on you for him? I certainly wouldn't be looking at someone who cheated their H for me as a long term R, let alone a W. She would be nothing more than a play thing.

[lcause]

I haven't met him, but he rather seems like a guy taking an opportunity than an alpha male seeking for affairs. XW said she's happy now that someone wanted her, as she thought no one would never want her - plus they are so together all the time (if not physically then texting) which implies he is serious about it.

Maybe she is talking the truth that they only started after BD? I don't know. There were so big signs and statistics (lol) say that when you have a strong suspicion, it's almost always right.

I wouldn't do what he did but I can't force my morals to others. He just isn't a scumbag cheater, like e.g. your W's AP Tread.

[Benito]

he rather seems like a guy taking an opportunity than an alpha male seeking for affairs.

He just isn't a scumbag cheater, like e.g. your W's AP Tread.

So we can help, can you give me some factual information that you have witnessed with your own eyes can confirm those comments.