^^^Great stuff from Kaizen!!! I second it all!!^^^
Originally Posted By: Kylo
She was changing the bed sheets and brought up me sleeping in the basement again. I again told her that if it bothered her, she could sleep down there.
Yes, good.
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The yelling began, and she said how the week of vacation with me was terrible, and if I didn't sleep in the basement, she would just move out. I tried to argue at first, but then remembered validation.
Not sure what you said in validation, but it should have been something along the lines of "You sound upset, I am sorry you feel that way. Again I will say that if you want to sleep in the basement then I will not stop you, that is your choice and I will respect it." Stand your ground on staying in the bedroom, but don't argue about it, just be consistent on your position.
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She said nothing is happening to me, as in no negative consequences to the divorce. I told her she's ruining my life and my kids' life, that's enough "happening".
As Kaizen said, you're giving her too much power. Your response should have been some pretty simple validating- "I can tell you are going through a lot, I'm sorry this is so difficult for you." Believe me I know how tough it is because I did it with my W. It was soooo tempting to tell her how much she was tearing me apart and try to guilt-trip her. But I was pretty good at validating, and it is AMAZING at how well it works to defuse tense situations. But like Kaizen said, it's not something you do for a few minutes or even days or weeks. It is a behavioral change you must make permanently if not for this R then for the next one.
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I told her to get a job, and then she can move out all she wants. She tells me she doesn't have a resume, so she can't (she's into her second month of talking about this resume that she can't do by herself). I tell her I'll get it done tonight, these people have already said they want her. Anyway, the argument went on for awhile, excuses on top of excuses.
Here are some questions I seriously want you to meditate on- what was resolved in that fight? Probably nothing on either side. So what good did it do? What harm did it do? What can you do DIFFERENTLY next time to change the dynamic? Because SHE is not going to change, that's on YOU.
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I tell her I will sleep in the basement if she agrees to let me stay in the house.
Brother, you have got to be CONSISTENT. Did you not just tell her twice that it's HER choice to sleep in the basement? Now you're saying you will? Are you not REWARDING her for starting a fight with you? Legally she can't kick you out of the house so there's no need to negotiate that with her.
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My patience is gone which makes me a failure at DB.
DBing isn't about being perfect all the time, because if it were then we're all failures! It's about learning from your mistakes, improving yourself so you don't make those mistakes again, picking yourself up and moving forward.
