Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 11, filing for D

[PsySara]

Sky,
There will be HUGE questions from his family which I have made it clear I am going to be honest. He cares a LOT about how people perceive him. I am sorely tempted to text the nurse at his job, the one he has been snap chatting, and let her know what she's in for. My guess is he is filling her full of nonsense about how his marriage is failing and we've "grown apart" blah blah blah. I want to let her know that he is just chasing a cliched fantasy. But before you say it, I know, detach.

25,
Your story is cautionary to the other DB'ers, even if they come back home that does not mean happily ever after. This is especially true if the WS does not do "the work" and get to the root of their waywardness. I think DB attracts folks who are used to putting in work to get the desired results. Whereas our spouses simply think things should just fall in their laps. The Whys, oh my the Whys. I think even if the WS got to the root of their whys we still would not be satisfied because there is no acceptable "why" to do such a hideous thing to one's family. It would still appear shallow and superficial. I would take a bullet rather than let my children experience the pain of abandonment and uncertainty. Meanwhile our Wayward is more than happy to let them go through this awfulness so they can get their "fix."


My lawyer is awesome, she sent a copy of the petition to me and I just need to come by her office and go over the particulars. She is very efficient and I think this will save me unnecessary costs in the long run. I stayed home from work today (extremely rare occurrence) with a migraine and slept until 2:30! I think it was long overdue as I've been perpetually sleep deprived for about 2 years.

2 years.

Yup, 2 years ago my WH was sleeping with a 21 year old nurse and telling her he wanted to make her his wife. Meanwhile he called me each evening and asked about the kids and my pregnancy. The gall still takes my breath away. On Oct 4, 2015 was my first d-day but not my last. Now WH is chatting up 20-somethings nurses and appearing as if he could not give one iota of care that he will be present for 50% of his kid's lives. That he has committed a capitol offense in our religion and will answer for it in this life or the next.

[skyhigh]

Dear Sara,

I am glad that you found a lawyer that is efficient, but she is blessed with a very organized and terrific client. Make sure that your kids are well provided in the future, include a monthly or yearly deposit in a college fund under their names by him or both of you, just make sure your are the owner of the account. Also, add that child support/alimony if any should be back up by a life insurance under his name that he has to pay yearly and he should provide you with a proof of it.
All those "details" were provided to me by a very dear friend who went through "a lot" during her divorce, her husband had found his supposed soulmate... but she managed to make sure that "his wife of 25 years" got served first...

Wow your first D-day was October 4th 2015, on October 5th of 2015 it's when I discovered that my WH was back with OW 1 after first DB on June 2015.
I remember how distressed and sick to my stomach when I got the news.

I don't think that telling whatever to that nurse is a good idea since you decided to file anyway. It might get him very angry at you and lower your chances to get a good deal from him during that process, but you might use it as leverage over him if needed later on if he still in touch with her, to get more of whatever you might want from him.

Use what you have on him to gain advantages (kids' custody, alimony, retirement, house, college funds...) since he cares about his reputation (mine is like that too). Look at the long term satisfaction not the short one.

Act/think instead of reacting, tough but you show us that you are very smart and determined. Don't make any decision without taking time to think about the eventual consequences. Have also plans A, B, C, and D and more if needed, be ready for whatever might come your way. Think of it as a chess game.

I had a very good day today, I am blessed with wonderful students, they are making me lose my mind pretty much every day (teenage boys) but they have been a blessing through those years of ordeal, their enthusiasm always got the worst of my sadness in just a few minutes.

Allow yourself to grieve/mourn your relationship and what your life could have been without his bad decisions, it's very important, and then turn your mind/energy to the future and start making plans/changes that will transform your life for the better. You will be amazed to rediscover activities that you used to like or do but you stopped because of him.

[PsySara]

Thank you for the suggestions, Sky, writing it all down.

Sigh. How fitting on Oct 4 I go to the CPA and she has agreed to help with the financial affidavit. She appeared shocked that I was filing for divorce as her impression of us when coming in for taxes were of a "perfect couple." I told her I was doing a LOT of acting to present a functional, happy couple when in fact a lot was going on under the surface. She said she will be more than happy to be a go-between if WH is aware of the financial gathering. I told him about the meeting and went over the requirements of paperwork from his end (extensive compared to mine) and how she will gather it all for us and fax it over. This is for a fee of course but not nearly what my lawyer charges per hour.

She asked about who my lawyer was and I showed her the billing state for the retainer and trust and she smiled and said, "Oh she's good, I've seen her work and she's great."

I came home and took care of the kids, WH went and took a evening nap again. (rolls eyes) I asked him beforehand if we could sit down ad go over paperwork and he agreed. After the kids were fed, bathed, homework done and I put them down he stayed in bed with them. I finally came around 8:30 and asked if we could review the paperwork as I was tired. He agreed and I went over line by line the financial stuff. I also brought up the petition and went over some lines I felt were inflammatory and contentious and we discussed how we could rephrase it. I did this on purpose because I do NOT want a long, expensive, drawn out process that will just get us back to square one minus 10-50K each.

I was matter-of-fact and non-emotional and so was WH. Honestly I think he is already moving onto other pastures and is looking forward to being free to play the field in the open. When I look inside I feel some residual pain of rejection but overall just...numb. When I think back on his lies, cheating, pettiness, and immaturity I feel rage but it snuffs out quickly now. I so emotionally exhausted that I don't have the will to resist. Divorce it is, maybe it will be a relief.

[ForGump]

Sara... peace upon your heart...

[PsySara]

Thank you, Gump.

So some weird developments lately. I've continued to practice DBing for my own mental well being. DBing teaches to try and maintain a friendly collaborative relationship when possible with your partner/ex-partner when children are shared for their health. I'e occasionally offered to cook dinner for WH when tossing stuff together for the kids. I've even joked with him over shared stuff. And he has suddenly started pursuing me very hard. Yesterday we were driving home with the kids and he was asking if we could stop by the bike shop so he could pick up his bike and bring it home, I agreed because it was no big deal.

He looked surprised and asked why I was being so nice. I told him I was just being myself, he commented it had been such a long time since he has seen this side of me and what had changed. I told him that I was no longer stressed out and wondering who he was after, if the other shoe was going to drop. I told him when you are divorcing someone it no is a question if they will cheat again because you are removing that option. HE was very quiet and then we went on with our day.

Today we did a lot together, he came with me to drop the kids off at Sunday school and then we visited some shops, picked the kids up after their classes and then we went shopping. We continued to joke and just talk about regular stuff friends discuss. HE continues to pursue hard but I am very pulled back. I don't return his flirtation and I am keeping an arm's distance from him. I am...puzzled.

Do I sit us down and ask WTF? I am scheduled to start the petition this coming week and then the money starts to flow. Do I put this on hold and see where the pieces fall? Do I temp check and adjust accordingly? There is a Retrouville on the weekend of the 21st, do I throw that out as a plan regardless of starting the D process? My DD has been especially happy and calm seeing her father and I chat like old friends.

One thing is for sure, I have VERY strict guidelines if WH wants to rebuild our marriage. No female "friends" as he has horrible boundaries, the snapchat needs to be deleted or the single female folks removed, and REAL DEEP introspection from WH to get to the "why" he felt it was ok to cheat. I am just sort of meandering around here.

[OwnIt]

Sara, seems like you've been in the same place many times now. What has suddenly made things different? Read your old posts, you know how this plays out.

[25yearsmlc]

Sara

here are a few thoughts. How about you not get ahead of yourself? Your h gave you a very modest "compliment" essentially saying he has only seen a mean side to you until recently when you surrendered to his cheating and gave up on the m.

There was no conflict anymore, so now you wonder if you should retract what you are doing,

and thinking way down the road as if he's being very clear with you AND committed to the marriage

AND promising loyalty and fidelity,

but none of those things are happening. Your d got happy about you two getting along and that reminded you that divorce will be a challenge.

I get that. My kids are much older and there are still affects.


I just don't see what you are basing any second guessing on?

IF IF IF your h gains clarity and has a character transplant, I'll be very enthused and happy for you.

But the scrap he threw you is not a basis for recon. And the only recent time you have
been treated like a human by your h, is now when you are detached AND when money issues are in his face.

Is it possible you are confusing a modicum of "conflict free/crappy treatment free" and a throw away compliment,

with some form of seismic change in your h along with sudden self awareness AND a deep commitment to renewing the m?

As for retrovaille - I got a lot out of it and it was the one time I sensed genuine remorse in my h. Which lasted me over 5 years b/c I'm not sure I saw more than 5-6 minutes afterwards, cumulatively.

So why do you think your h might attend? (I'm not saying he won't, I'm asking why you believe he would.)

Step back, take a breath.

[25yearsmlc]

I don't know what you mean by him "pursuing hard" unless it's intimacy. Or he's just relaxed b/c the big elephant in the room is gone, you won't demand fidelity from him anymore and you'll be pleasant. I am not advocating you being unpleasant, - not at all.

I'm just seeing your situation from such a different viewpoint.

I apologize if I'm projecting any cynicism or anything from my own situation. It's always a balancing act between passing on what we have learned versus projecting.)

But your h can speak and remove any cloudy areas or doubts for you.

If you two were to reconcile and really make it long term-

wouldn't you require a ton of clarity from him?

So, no guessing on your end. Not you checking out or arranging Retrovaille but him. Not you thinking about a temperature check but him coming to you from a position of HIS wanting to try again with remorse and deep reflection and the desire to change...

otherwise this is just you second guessing yourself and reading into HIS cake eating and

and MAYBE letting the damaged ego you admit plays a part of this, try to

another bite at the apple so he chooses you, this time?


I know your will ego will heal - but maybe not until if/when you realize that his infidelity was truly - really - honest to God - NOT about you.


Anyway, I see you thinking out all the requirements you would need from him, while also anticipating doing all the heavy marital lifting, which is contradictory to me.

Am I missing something? Seriously, I'm asking.

We are all rooting for you, Sara.

[skyhigh]

Be cautious +++ "Here we go again..." he pursues you every time you are detaching and disrespect you once you are hooked again...
It takes several weeks for real change to take place. Real guilt and regrets takes months to process and be really sincere.

Don't forget also, even if you reconcile, you will have to deal with the anger once the situation cool off... That's why you need to take your time in that process.

Don't ask any question, stay detached! Keep working on yourself for yourself not for getting him back!

He has to be the one asking to come back/rebuild if that what you might wish upon, and then you can set up your criteria and boundaries. For real change to happen, he has to realize what he is going to lose/ what he has done... he has to be the pursuer and willing to follow your boundaries. If he really wants you back he will ask you what do you want so he can have another chance.

STOP pursuing him and absolutely no reconciliation talks (basics of DB).
Work on claiming back your life and mental sanity, learn to be happy without him (very important), and focus on something else that your marriage.

[PsySara]

My apologies for not responding individually, I am posting during the rush of my morning routine. I wanted to update and will return later to address everyone's extremely helpful advice.

Last night I went into WH's man cave to ask a few logistical questions about today. (he is off from work and will be doing a lot of errands)

WH put down his game remote and approached a relationship conversation. In essence he asked would R be possible. I was extremely frank in telling him that I had deep doubts about his ability and willingness to do what was necessary to regain my trust. WH told me he made the biggest mistake of his life by cheating. That he had trouble even looking at me when I was back to my original self (laughing, being silly and gentle) because he realized how deep the pain went from his choices. He said he felt guilty even asking me to reconsider because I looked so light and relaxed recently. He felt like he needed to do the selfless thing for once and let me be free. He said he had noticed I had confidence and had truly let go and now he realized he was losing me forever. Again and again WH asked for me to lay out every single requirement and he would do them all, anything.

During the conversation WH pulled out his phone and deleted his snapchat without me asking and told me to tell him every single time I felt unsafe in our marriage and he would rectify anything he was doing. WH then transferred money into my account to cover the legal retainer fees and said that was so I could continue forward anytime I wanted with the D but to just give him one more chance. We stayed up very, very late and now I am exhausted but overall I feel...neutral. I am not putting y eggs all in this basket. I will continue to fill out the financial affidavit but will let my lawyer to know to hold the submission of the first draft of the petition and will sit back and watch. I will continue to DB in earnest because that has been the one thing to help me stay detached and moving forward.

Feelings? While WH has never done anything so dramatic and said such things I am still feeling very neutral. Thoughts?