Don't forget to eat some dark chocolate, it helps a lot when feeling down... Watch a few comedies, stay away from drama, you need to increase your endorphins. Get a massage! Brush the toilet bowl with his toothbrush, lol! Fill the fridge with whatever he doesn't like but you and the kids love to eat. Have the internet having issues when he plays video games if they are online games.
Love this!!!
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Sky, Thank you for the suggestions. This last week I got back on my sleep aid (lots of nightmares robbing me of good sleep) and got my hair done. Most of the time I am ok but have these moments where I feel my heart break again. But I remind myself that I've earned my out of this marriage and will likely be in a lot better place a year from now.
kml, I knew before I started the process he would wait until the last minute and even then do bare minimum. So far I've asked him two simple questions about finances and he has yet to get me the info. Whatever. Emotional aikido sounds like an awesome idea.
BluWave, I giggled reading that.
So..it goes. I continue to move forward and WH continues more of the same. He came home from work today, did his prayer and then went and took a nap...at 5pm. (rolls eyes) I fed and bathed the kids, cleaned the house, did laundry, etc., Most of the time I am able to keep my mind occupied. But these weekends where I am limited to GAL as it's difficult to take 3 small children out alone takes it toll mentally. I don't want to spend the rest of my life single but I also don't want a step parent in my children's life. And this is where the rage steps in. WH unilaterally decided to destroy our marriage and in effect, raising my children in the most statistically sound way.I have these waves of hate wash over me sometimes when I look at him. Lazy, it's the laziness I despise. This absolute unwillingness to fight for his kid's future. The @sshole.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
All the emotions you are going through are perfectly ok, you are grieving the end of your marriage the way you thought it was or could have be. Your anger/rage is justified 100%, don't hold it inside yourself, find a safe way to let it find its way outside, go for a power walk, kickboxing, yoga (great to find inside peace), aerobic, tennis (I imagined his face and her face on the balls... Had a great summer league, lol), swim ... find your own way, it might be something else.
It's tough to raise young kids by yourself, but I promise you, it will get better, your kids will grow and will do things by themselves and will help you. You will develop an incredible bond with them. Look around, most probably you have friends who are ready to help you if you ask them. Gal doesn't necessarily mean to go out every week end, you can have your friends coming over and have a Pot luck and do the clean up after with you or they can watch your kids while you do thinks uninterrupted in the house.
Big hugs
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
You're right Sky, I need to start running again. While it wasn't a panacea it did help me feel more energetic. I do have friends more than willing to come hang out and I need to start reaching out to them again.
Today I slpet in until 7 am (insert shocked expression here) and fed the kids, fed and cared for the critters, and dressed the kids for Sunday school and drove across town to drop them off. Afterward I stopped at McDs and sat in the car with the baby and shared some mcnuggets. Afterwards I picked up the older kids from the mosque and then had the boys hair cut. They look like little men again.
I sent some pics of the boys to WH and he texted back a thank you and then informed me he was on his way home. He came home and then reparked the vehicles (needed to make room for his car) and then went to the side room to pray. He still barely engages the kids, when he does it's only for discreet periods of time and not for the night. Oh well, same ole same ole
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
It might take a while (months) for him to reengage with the kids if he does, right now his mind is focused on himself only. Most probably his thoughts are very conflicted, in one hand he is getting his freedom something he "dreamed" to have but on the other hand now since you filed for divorce some explanations will have to be given to people when they will ask him or you "why?" and "Is he ready to face others and assume his past actions that destroyed his marriage and de facto the life of his kids?
It's one thing to blame your spouse for your unfaithfulness in the comfort of your own home but saying the same to others who knows you both is a totally different thing.
Do you think that he cares what people will say or think about him?
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
just wrote a long post to you, worried that it might be too long and then it vanished.
Okay I will be brief now b/c obviously the universe is telling me to.
[quote=PsySara]Sky, Thank you for the suggestions. This last week I got back on my sleep aid (lots of nightmares robbing me of good sleep) and got my hair done. Most of the time I am ok but have these moments where I feel my heart break again. I have awakened with bad nightmares and breathlessly feeling my heart pound. Thank God for sleep aids. I think I have had what I assume are panic attacks, which I've never had before. Pretty crappy experiences. Do what you need to do for self care.
But I remind myself that I've earned my out of this marriage and will likely be in a lot better place a year from now. I am 100% certain of this^^^.
So..it goes. I continue to move forward and WH continues more of the same. He came home from work today, did his prayer and then went and took a nap...at 5pm.
thank God my h is on the tundra, and I don't have to see the indifference or weirdness or whatever the disorder is called, in my face. I don't want to spend the rest of my life single but I also don't want a step parent in my children's life.
Sara, this^^ is you borrowing trouble from tomorrow. Be here now.
Life will be better in a year (sooner, really. When he's out of the house, the tension and in your face piece, will be improved).
And this is where the rage steps in. WH unilaterally decided to destroy our marriage
yes he did. And it stinks. It's supremely unfair. No question.
I'm in a DivorceCare group which is great. A woman there said to "use the anger as a call to action." Which has helped me a lot.
Otherwise I would feel physically sickened by my anger.
and in effect, raising my children in the most statistically sound way. I have these waves of hate wash over me sometimes when I look at him.
I had some big hate moments too. First time in my life, and there it was, hatred aimed at the father of my kids.
Some folks find the hate helpful to transition from their profound sadness.
I would go back and forth, but the good news is that I really do spend less time in each. (Really).
Getting to "meh" is a goal of mine and it is beginning to take hold periodically. The "horrible moments" are fewer and farther between.
All I can do is stand at the sidelines urging you on, while fighting my own battle.
At my lowest points this past year, including when I really thought I might be dying, I began to have this knowing belief that I was being tested and that if I did not falter too much, a much better life was on the other side of this.
I believe that for both of us.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I-since you filed for divorce some explanations will have to be given to people when they will ask him or you "why?" IMO most people will Not ask him. At least not at work. They will say "oh he's single now" and as long as he's not distracted at work, I'd be shocked if anyone asks.
His family will stick with their blood.
and "Is he ready to face others and assume his past actions that destroyed his marriage and de facto the life of his kids? Sky, Why would he begin taking responsibility for it now? I'm asking.
If he's anything like every single divorced MD, Lawyer or male military officer I know who, he will control the message and massage the explanation with ease.
Either with character assassination of the spouse, or with the "we mutually grew apart" blah blah blah.
Given that Sara works in the same field, I would think the neutral version is better. Are you guys at the same hospital or clinic?
It's one thing to blame your spouse for your unfaithfulness in the comfort of your own home but saying the same to others who knows you both is a totally different thing. there are People who have affairs that feel horrible about it and resolve to change,
versus cheaters who justify their affairs. I really don't think there's much shame.
Unless Sara tells the people who know them both, I don't think her h will tell anyone. Do you think that he cares what people will say or think about him?
I have read a lot about this ^^ I'll just quote something I read -
"To some extent most people care about what others think. But those with strong moral compasses do the right thing no matter what others think.
Whereas with narcissistic personalities, it's not about doing what is right,
it's about appearing to do what is right. Excessive admiration, attention and accolades are vital."
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 you are entitled to your opinion and I am to mine, so I think the best is to agree to disagree.
I never said that he was ready to take responsibility please read again without jumping to any conclusion.
Did you notice those who are committing acts that are not morally acceptable toward their family usually are withdrawing themselves from others (family, friends...) so they don't have to "talk to them" and sometimes move away so they can start a new life. Did you ever wonder why? They avoid people who have different values/past than them and look for people more like them to connect, why?
Meanwhile it's not because people don't ask questions that they don't think less or have "ideas" or they believe the explanations if any were given.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
[quote=skyhigh]25 you are entitled to your opinion and I am to mine, so I think the best is to agree to disagree.
I never said that he was ready to take responsibility please read again without jumping to any conclusion. I didn't mean to imply you thought that. I was being sarcastic towards her h, not you. Trying to "see it through his eyes" so to speak.
Did you notice those who are committing acts that are not morally acceptable toward their family usually are withdrawing themselves from others (family, friends...) so they don't have to "talk to them" and sometimes move away so they can start a new life. Yes I noticed.
My h is in Alaska, & I heard my h lie to his new fans about when I was joining him up there. I heard him give a narrative that was so distorted that it was unrecognizable.
Obviously h has justified his choices - or he would not have made them.
Noticing that has not changed anything but yes, I noticed it.
H has a new fan base for his new life. I would not call it "shame" that makes him do this, though maybe.
But perhaps that's me projecting my own values onto him. Because I used to assume he felt shame b/c I sure would if it were ME making a choice to leave the children and m for an adventure.
Especially after decades of what seemed like a strong marriage with a lot of laughs and achievement. It reeks of so much "entitlement" I could literally not relate. So yes I asked why.
My answer thus far is that H and I do not share the same values (at least not anymore)
and we do not have the same moral compass. If we did, we would not be here.
[b]
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Did I ever wonder why? This is not my first time here. And for several years of my life I have wondered why. Years I cannot get back.
I tried to understand what compelled him to make disastrous choices. And then repeat them.
I wracked my brain and tried to get into his brain. I spent time with a DB coach, and MCs and IC's and a chaplain and a priest and going to Retrovaille - trying to understand why and how my h did/felt/thought as he did. I tried to get into his brain and read meaning into so many things he did or did not do.
I spun in circles asking the same questions in loops. I'd ask my DB coach and anyone who would listen,
HOW & WHY he could leave our children and me for an adventure. How he could be who I thought he was, AND inflict so much pain on the 4 people who loved him the most.
I think every LBSer here asks why.
As I said, This is not my first time here. But dear God, how I asked why...
Anyhow, a prayer Caroline Myss wrote, resonates with me.
"Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know, and *constant wondering is constant suffering.*
We all try to make sense of terrible things that pain us, in our life.
In the book "Option B", Sheryl Sandberg (the CEO of FB who lost her h suddenly 2 years ago) wrote that: "the most difficult pain to accept, is pain we do not understand."
At some point we all have to learn what we can from it, and then accept it b/c "it just is- regardless of why" - and rebuild with strength and faith.
I am moving forward as best I can, at 57. Wondering "why" about h at this point,
is not in my interest or in my children's interests. They need to see me rebuild a life. I need and want to.
That's my plan.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
