I posted in MLC as newcomers hoping to get more answered Question on Here as I am trying to make sense of this Crisis my wife going through. I honestly can say my wife has died but I still can see her if this makes sense to ya, I physically see her but she is someone else. Here is my story...
Hello am New in here,I been reading everyone post for the last 3 months trying to understand or in my head I thought things where going to go back to normal. Wishful thinking... Also we are a lesbian couple with 3 amazing kids 2 sons and a daughter.
My story started around April 20th we before that had an amazing life by all means not perfect but close to perfect. W was getting ready to go out again I notice she was changing slowly but I also was use to her having girls night out so on this day I ask the same question I have ask for 10yrs "where you going" but on this day was the day she said J I am no longer in love, it literally caught me off guard I of course started crying and pleading not to leave that night. Yes I did all the mistakes I shouldn't have even getting on my knees. Well now I sit here and remember she had no reaction at all. This was once a women who adore me she sent me a text days before that saying she loves us so much.
So I at first did all the mistakes, asking her what I could do to make us better her reply Nothing we are done. Then couple days later I again ask why how come she said her exact words, I gave you almost 10yrs I lost myself for the last 10 yrs it's been about you and the kids, I need to do me and love myself again and for once live for me. When I see myself I can't even see myself I lost myself.
So I ask is this temporary or do you need time or what's going happen. W replied am moving out I already found a condo so my alert went up log in to bank account. W has withdrew all our saving $20,000 I was in disbelief.
Let's rewind in 2015 I got hurt at work and been off and on at work I just had major back surgery so I was financially making sure we saved up before another major surgery.
I confronted her and her reply is my money. Huh?!?! I mean we both have always work. So now am panicking W has a condo already took all the money I was furious I felt this was all plan I was confused as how not even a week before we talked about adopting a foster child we even did all the classes. From May till June all she did was go out come home whenever even sleeping away from home for the first time.
While I kept S8,S9 and D9 busy making sure they didn't get hurt because W was becoming verbal abuse always cursing and screaming from even saying we ruined her life she didn't even want this life but she did it to make me Happy. W said I could have been retiring this year from military. Oh yeah she was a Marine for 8yrs btw this is before we even met she left the Marine corps in 2006 we met October 2007 so not sure why I got blamed. But she felt she needed to tell me that it was my fault she not traveling the world like some of her friends are from the Marine corps which they don't have kids.
Well she left leaving us with no money and no explanation just she no longer in love in fact she never loved me at all.
Unfortunately I was living this fantasy world she was staying somewhere and she just needed time. My kids are confused where is mommy. And our lease was up on July I of course beg and cried and ask what was i going to do when lease was up and we have no where to go. W reply oh well figure it out. Wow is all could have said while an emotional wreck. And our kid's asking. I text her like a million times ask why, what's going on did she meet someone andI never got replied. So here I am recovering from surgery, and mayor back surgery schedule for June.
The first month she took clothes not all through the month of June she only took her clothes and jewelry and her bar I builded years ago and a stereo.
By July it hit me when she pick children's up and they went to her condo and she still hasn't giving me the address my kids say they only have a bed and sheets and nothing else in there room. I ask her after dropping off do I need to pack somethings up for there room. W replied Nope. My kids are now seeing her monster side she has them like little soldiers cleaning, mopping floor literally is all they do my children's tell me.
Now is July am packing a home and wondering what I did. By now I still didn't have anywhere to go am scared. W would not call or text for days not even to check on our kids. She by now has told me everything from,
I ruined her life I am controlling She hates me How she wish I would leave state How she can't stand looking at me I was her biggest mistake literally if you thought about it she said it even in one of blackouts I call it, that she wish I would have died when I had a seizure in 2015 I literally fell in concrete and smashed my face on the ground I lost 5 front teeth this tell you it was a grandmal seizure. When she said this to me that day something inside of me died, how can someone wish death on someone they adored once but how can someone just say.
I started to worry W eyes where not the person I knew I felt I was looking at a Alien big black eyes, W has hazel eyes they where not light anymore.
I started searching of all these signs I Google it and yelp the first time I seen MLC I was shock W was 36 was about to be 37. I started financially removing her from my CC but May,June and july she spend 5,000 on my CC and remember she took over 20,000 so why use my CC. W of course scream and yelled how she was buying things and all CC she had where declined I explained I closed account she was furious. W says this is why we will never get back together because you try to control me. I by now been reading MLC how they like to cause chaos. I said we are not together they my CC I need to make sure kids and I are not living in the streets I need to make sure I have my CC because that's the only way. W respond Oh well.
By August I have a little home nothing to what I was living our life was flip out while she lives in a condo a new condo btw. We live in a little old home but I was ok as long am with my kids. So by now she would go weeks no text or calling and when she did all about Money and bills ect never about kids. I ask myself how can anyone walk away from everything they built in a family.
I also don't understand how can she leave everything behind from military awards, very important paperwork I mean she left everything behind I still have her birth certificate and ss ect.
By now kids and I settling and taking it a day at a time. So 3 weeks ago she took our first s9 saying she needs him with her she separated our children's now am being ask by s8 and d9 why only him why she doesn't love them. I explain mommy loves you mommy going through a hard time.
Now she has killed me inside me not understanding why, I have no money to hire lawyer and Illinois law changed for child support and who they live with is a 50/50 now doesn't matter what parent. Again recap we adopted all 3, I know that s9 is more quite and in his world compared to s8 and d9 they are very out spoken. And W says they spyon her lol all I can do is laugh because our kids now spyon her I been accused of recording her and hired a PI to watch her. I ask myself how canI you didn't leave me money I have barely money to buy food.
A week ago she sends me an email to sign, she wrote her own custody plan. I didn't sign and now have to figure out how to get a lawyer to get my s9 home with us. Because they are siblings you just can't take what you want like they are property or an item. Again she goes days no text.
There's day she will be a nice person, 4 days ago she called saying how are you how you feeling, I replied a day at a time she was crying saying she going through a tough time emotionally I have said before this is what you wanted. And other days she will say this is why we will never get back together what I notice is when she doesn't get her way the monster comes out saying, This is why we never ever get back I can't f***** stand you. I have heard this over a thousand time we will never get back together.
W has lost weight goes to gym gets her nails done always shopping and lighting her hair again it feels like a strange in front of me. W is buried on her phone we don't make eye contact she always in la la la la land.
And W has new friends everything she doing is like her becoming a new person. I don't see her in social media or liking anyone pictures. I wonder is she still friends with her old friends or family because I haven't seen anyone not even my MIL is like they care less what there daughter doing. I feel we where abandoned by everyone. It slowly breaking me I wonder where did I go wrong, how can this be happening. But I have no answer, all of her friends are our friends and nobody is reaching out. I am alone in Illinois no family. I moved here 10yrs ago for her and now look where am at. Alone.....
I have tried everything to see if I see a sign but all I see is someone else not my W.
Sorry so long there's so much more but I think ya know how MLC spouse are and she is literally a monster to me and kids.
I also believe there could be OW romantic with but when I ask W laughs and says what should I care she is a single women and could date who the hell she wants...
Me,39 W,37 children's S9 D9 and S8 Together 2007 Separated May 2017 Moved out June 2017
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
do you still have the reply I wrote to this? I had some questions I hope will help us understand and advise better.
Maybe Job can link your prior thread to this one
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You say you can't afford a lawyer. I say you can't afford NOT to have a lawyer. A consultation should be minimally expensive, and will let you know what rights you have, especially with regard to custody and retrieving half of the money in the bank account.
Believe none of what they say and half of what they do. She is no longer the person you fell in love with, and there's no point in trying to understand her reasons, because she's crazy. "It's all YOUR fault," crazy, and there's no talking sense into her.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So today I moved forward with a lawyer a friend help me find, this lawyer is divorce too and exh was formal military lawyer took my case and working on payments with me. Lawyer stated that w is going through a bad case of PTSD and unfortunately she see this alot where they don't think of there surrounding. So lawyer sending W letter of intent that all I want is to keep kids together weather 1 week on and 1 week off. So praying W agrees if not then we be going to court.
Update, I honestly thought W was going come to some sense I was fulling myself especially after seeing son yesterday after dropping D9 and s8 he looks tired exhausted I hug s9 and told him hang in am bringing you home he said ok mommy.
But I also seen W different, I have gone dark going on 5 weeks not texting or calling just focusing on D9 and S8 and healing from surgery. But this weekend I went out with a friend I met for drinks Friday and Saturday a party and yesterday with my brst friend to movie. W seen me friday when picking up s8 and d9 I was dress nice W commented I must be dating I ignored and gave all kids kiss and walk aways. Then as I was walking away W tells s9 oh your mom has a new GF I said please don't tell him that and walk away. So yesterday while dropping d9 and s8 W had MIL and FIL W said they wanted to see you so I greeted them. As I was walking back I got a message from friend I met up for drinks text, had a great weekend W was over my shoulder and seen it W said wow your dating I replied there's nothing to talk about when I wanted to talk you didn't so I gave myself closure W replied we should meet for coffee and talk I replied there's nothing to talk about when I try to explain it's not a good idea to separate kids you didn't care W again focus on herself and brings up my EA 3yrs ago I said we both did wrong I have apologized for that there's nothing more you moved on with OW W confirm they are together I laugh and said of course that's why you left.. I know I should have not fed to her but it's hard not to speak up. So I said again ok there is my closure. W said look at me, look me as I was walking away W with tears coming down I love you so much you just don't know how much I still do you don't think this is hard for me I watch Netflix I look over in my bed I picture you there.🤔 I look for you hold me. 🤔 I just listen I wanted to yell and say yeah right OW lives with you. But I didn't a big pause I know W was expecting me to say I love you.. but I didn't I just stared I said before I go in remember everything in this world could be fix don't let your pride get in the way. Or for it to be to late. W shook her head like she understood. Ok then I went in. I lock myself in bathroom in a ball and cried my eyes out. Because I know she just cake eating.
I then had dinner with S8 and D9 and they said ow said she was going pull there ear if they didn't listen I am in rage called W and said I really dont care what you do with your life but I swear if she touches my kids I swear i will destroy her and you. Btw OW work's with her. W calmly said I will handle that. I replied you know me very well and W replied I know I will handle OW. I hung up.
I don't understand why W or H let's them do thinks also if W said I need to find myself why attach to another relationship smh so many why's but no answers MLC,WAW they simply can't make sense but I guess I'll keep focusing on Me and S9,D9 and S8 and honestly. And will keep ya posted once lawyer sends her letter first to see if she agree.
All input are welcome Please. I hope my Dbing will peace us back slowly.
Me 39 W 37 together almost 10yrs BD ILYBNIL May Move out June S9,D9 and S8
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
You did great. Up I kept you composure and let her get her feeling out. Seems to me that some reality is starting to set in. When that letter gets to her, she will feel it even more.
Keep up the DBing. It's hard, but it's the best way.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Joe, Yes W also seen New phone and said you took got a new phone with a new account i said yelp W said well when, I replied it doesn't matter W then said well you no longer tell me anything I stated there's nothing to say. W gave me the puppy look like wow
It worries me about her just flipping out W has so much on her, couple weeks ago before I went dark W stated she put her life insurance up my concern she will literally snap. I did tell lawyer my concern she will be filing protective order if W doesn't return S9 within a week. I myself been reflecting alot when we first met I didn't take [censored] from her I was very stern but honestly 2yrs ago I almost lost my life waking up from como I had a spiritual awakening that life is short that's when W started changing I guess she didn't like that i was so passive and just agreed with everything. Is pretty crazy how they think. But is ok because W is waking me up from me and going back old ways I also got sleeve tatoo. I know W couldn't stop staring
I was told by New friend I met "Her lost my Gain" lol
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
So this weekend W drop S9, finally I have all 3 kids until lawyer files, W hasn't been served yet.
So this is where I am stuck I see W changing last week W was very nice I could see some spark in her eyes not that dead look she had. This weekend W drop s9 and ask will you be selling a car as I have two cars paid for I of course just said no and kept it short, like 30min later I receive a text saying "Why do you always think the worse" I was shock and my friends say her conscious is getting the best of her, I really wanted to text her back and say Really are you asking me that must I write it down for you to see why am like walking on egg shell's but no I simply vented to my friends and never replied.
The kids and I had an amazing weekend from them riding bikes,doing smores to going over a friends house bbq and pool to ending our weekend with a bang. So W text saying can she come an hr early to pick S9 and said PLEASE. I of course just replied Yes I been keeping our conversation 1 or 2 words if we have too. While picking S9 W hugged d9 and s8 and her eyes got watery and kids ran off, W stared and said wow you lost lots of weight PLEASE stop is there anything I can do, do you need anything I of course said no but thank you as I was closing door W said, I love you so much I adore you. I of course replied I wish you could believe that. W said I do I know what and who I love and is you. I just stared and said ok,W lean over to hug and kiss I turn my face and gave W a half hug. I could tell she felt the difference. W said have a good night. S9 ran and hugged me and tears are now running down my face for HIM I said to s9 see you soon. Btw s9 knows i am bringing him home he knows that am fighting for him and he has stated he ready to be home. W just stared and put her head down.
Now what I struggle with is the rollercoaster ride Friday she was asking if i wss selling a car and W guard was up. And today a total different person, W also brought up the cars W said am sorry if it came off like to sell them i said yes it did, and am not sure what to expect because you always ready to fight with me W acknowledge and Apologise and said am truly sorry.
Let's see what next weekend might be because she'll be getting served this week. W said I'll see you Friday and smiled. Now am keeping fingers cross.
I'll take any advice how to approach after Wgets served with custody for S9, anyone gone through this.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
You say you can't afford a lawyer. I say you can't afford NOT to have a lawyer. A consultation should be minimally expensive, and will let you know what rights you have, especially with regard to custody and retrieving half of the money in the bank account.
Tell a lawyer THERE IS MONEY (so they know they'll get paid).
b/c she took all the jointly held funds. Get as much of that as you can. Legally she can have half, not all. She will have to repay you asap
unless you don't get a lawyer. Then she can do whatever she wants & keep whatever she has...
there's no point in trying to understand her reasons, because she's crazy. "It's all YOUR fault," crazy, and there's no talking sense into her.
you can wonder & wonder WHY/HOW this happened LATER
because right now you need to get your interests protected, which will lower your fears & helps the kids.
Also, when she cries, do not challenge her by saying "But this is what you wanted" b/c I'm sure she did not want tears.
And it sounds as if you are saying "I told you so." That only makes returning home, harder for her.
Give her something honorable to live up to, not criticism challenging her values as a parent.
LISTEN to see if she really gives you information. Be upbeat, calm and act as if you have had an awakening, which means you realize now that you are going to be fine, anyhow. As if you are "resigned to her choice, which you know means she is going to lose precious time with the people who love her the most, but which you will NOT lose...act as if - (do you know this phrase? It's in the book and around here. )
And Get a Lawyer Now, telling them that your w took all the money. You'll need a retainer (probably on a CC if need be)
and they may be able to get the money or your half, back sooner
OR spousal and child support from her sooner.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
And Get a Lawyer Now, telling them that your w took all the money. You'll need a retainer (probably on a CC if need be)
To respond yes I have put retainer in CC unfortunately we live in Illinois in July of this year they changed child support law when 2 parent's have 50/50 the other parent the kid's go to school in only gets $130 so am honestly not focusing on how much I'll get my focus is to get my son back. I also have this attitude that is you as a parent know your kids eat,need cloths do school activity I shouldn't beg you for anything I guess that's the pride in me.
I understand what your saying about listening I have I listen and acknowledge, but I guess due to W saying I never loved you the last 10 years was lies I guess it's in my head that W never loved me. I mean she made sure she let me every chance she had this was in the beginning. What I said when she said I love you so much my reply was I wish you believed that yourself,I guess I needed to make sure it wasn't just saying ILY but during that W you paused am thinking waiting for me to say ily more. But I didn't so should I tell W ILY W knows I say to her "everything in this world could be fix" W knows I love my family, but I honestly have to say W might not think I don't Love her anymore due to everything.
So let me tell you what happen during friend's house we had bbq who is also W bf she loves both of us and is our kids godmother. We where talking she was sad because she notice W changes as she explain she feels replace because W has new friends. W hasn't seen her in over 3 month's W text and ask what was she doing she explain in her kids flag football W ask can I go over friend said Yes. W showed up friend said she was quite very quiete and head down. Our friend is not a grey person is either black or white and speaks the truth no filter. So W said do you think am doing the right thing friend said are you asking me or telling me. Because if your even questioning that thought then you know the answer. W proceed to say how do I even begin to try to fix it, friend said only you know that answer but you better hurry up because you have an amazing partner who has always been there supported you physically,mentally who had your back and look at her she is taking care of all 3 kids without even asking for help from anyone. Friend said her head was down while tears running down.
I have to say I needed to hear this I ask God for a sign just like all of us here, I been ready to walk away instead of standing. Hearing our friend/kids godmother say keep doing what your doing W is realizing what she lost and yes get s9 this is maybe what W needs but dont question your decision you are doing an amazing job. I have to say I needed this so am back on the horse and not giving up. Because like everyone one around us say I know W is my soulmate we have been a great Team together, together we could conquer the world, if this is going make us even better after this then I'll do it. I love her and my kids.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
