[quote=25yearsmlc]Why would you ask her that question? I assume your goal was for her to say
"No, I want to recommit to our marriage and rebuild it, now that we had a few hours without fighting"??
No, actually an emphatic "Yes" is what I expected to hear. okay, so Why did you ask? If you expected a "yes" then getting her to say it out loud would only cement her wishes.
Do you believe that DB tenet about not asking the spouse, or you feel it doesn't apply, or was it just a mistake? (You're allowed to make those.) WW seems to be softening...Labor Day weekend it was "it's not healthy for us to stay together" to "do you want to meet at xxx". From "I don't feel comfortable around you" to spending the day together in less than 4 days timespan. I get the no pursuit so I definitely need to back off! Ray, do you? I mean, do you get it? I'm asking.
And How are your GAL going?
My focus is how YOUR work is going. It is all you control. Just your side of the sandbox, not her reaction or what you think she's feeling.
Also, btw, when someone sends a text, if there is any ambiguity in it, ask for clarification b/c I noticed a few times you have said you don't like the "tone" of a text from her.
The written word is harder to decode, so it's better not to react to what we fear.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Why would you ask her that question? I assume your goal was for her to say
"No, I want to recommit to our marriage and rebuild it, now that we had a few hours without fighting"??
No, actually an emphatic "Yes" is what I expected to hear. okay, so Why did you ask? If you expected a "yes" then getting her to say it out loud would only cement her wishes.
Do you believe that DB tenet about not asking the spouse, or you feel it doesn't apply, or was it just a mistake? (You're allowed to make those.)
Mistake
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
WW seems to be softening...Labor Day weekend it was "it's not healthy for us to stay together" to "do you want to meet at xxx". From "I don't feel comfortable around you" to spending the day together in less than 4 days timespan. I get the no pursuit so I definitely need to back off! Ray, do you? I mean, do you get it? I'm asking.
Again, a backslide
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
And How are your GAL going?
My focus is how YOUR work is going. It is all you control. Just your side of the sandbox, not her reaction or what you think she's feeling.
Running at least 3x week, weekly guitar class, CISSP exam prep(I try to get out to the local Starbucks to interact with other people), weekly lunch with my Mom, friends, travel for work, Meetups, Individual Counseling
Quote:
Also, btw, when someone sends a text, if there is any ambiguity in it, ask for clarification b/c I noticed a few times you have said you don't like the "tone" of a text from her.
The written word is harder to decode, so it's better not to react to what we fear.
WW: Unfortunately you're controlling ways are not appealing Me: If you could provide recent examples of my controlling ways that would be really helpful for my personal growth WW: Not leaving the house Me: What do you feel I'm trying to control? WW: Refusing to leave "the marital bed". Worst thing you could say Me: I feel differently but I do appreciate you being open and honest with me WW: It is unfortunate that you don't see how detrimental that behavior is
Fast forward to yesterday in IC...C asked me what I want to work on.
Me: WW says I’m controlling C: How so? Me: Me not leaving the house or the MBR C: That doesn’t sound controlling to me
While stuck in this limbo stage, do I tell WW "Here is x bill due on this date... here is the number to pay by phone" for the things that are under her SSN?
The goal would be for WW to experience what divorce would look like.
Or do I just continue NC unless it involves kids?
I may have just talked myself out of it...seems petty on my part and me just rubbing her face in our current situation.
While stuck in this limbo stage, do I tell WW "Here is x bill due on this date... here is the number to pay by phone" for the things that are under her SSN? The goal would be for WW to experience what divorce would look like. you mean, you'll "teach her a lesson"?
Be careful what you wish for.
Or do I just continue NC unless it involves kids?
I may have just talked myself out of it...seems petty on my part and me just rubbing her face in our current situation.
yes
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
A few minutes WW texted me an audio file of a voicemail from DD17's attendance office regarding DD17 being absent from one or more classes today.
I got an email with the same message as well as the same voicemail on my cell phone. I'm tempted to respond with "Thanks! I do get the same email and voicemail messages from the attendance office"
I would lean more trying to be a good co-parent but thats just me. The general rule is if it is not actionable then don't respond. Sometimes I don't respond other times I do, just depends on what kind of mood I am in. If you decide to respond a simple TY will do. Personally, I would leave off the exclamation point.
I feel I should apologize upfront for the following stream of consciousness:
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Why would you ask her that question? I assume your goal was for her to say
"No, I want to recommit to our marriage and rebuild it, now that we had a few hours without fighting"??
No, actually an emphatic "Yes" is what I expected to hear.
okay, so Why did you ask? If you expected a "yes" then getting her to say it out loud would only cement her wishes.
Do you believe that DB tenet about not asking the spouse, or you feel it doesn't apply, or was it just a mistake? (You're allowed to make those.)
I need to revisit this. Words cannot express how much I appreciate the advice you've given 25years! Honestly, things really started to turn when, based on your advice, I stopped throwing "truth darts" and stopped being a jerk in my interactions!!! Because why would WW or any female for that matter want to come back to that.
My sitch has gone from mid August "you and I are done" to Labor Day weekend "it's not healthy for us to stay together" to this week "I don't know if I want to divorce...I can't make that decision yet"
Please don't take this as me arguing or discounting the advice given. From my perspective the central tenants of DB'ng are:
1) Work on YOU because that's the ONLY thing you have the power to change 2) Do what works
So while not following the 37 guidelines to the tee, it's gone from "You and I are done" to "I don't know". Doesn't mean I'm not going to follow the guidelines...I more or less called an audible and the play seems to have worked. Of course the risk of calling an audible is throwing a pick 6. Am I running around on cloud 9 because she's not set on D? Absolutely not.
Kaizen and AS gave some phenomenal gems in the "Treehouse" thread that I've taken to heart.
Having said that, a little over two days into NC/LC, had the following text exchange with WW:
WW: Are you ok? You're unusually quiet Me(30 minutes later): I’m good...Just out and about
Since I've gone NC/LC, these are the following texts I haven't sent: "WW, either you come back to the MR or you file for D" "You say you want to repair the family but your actions don't support your words" and other self loathing pity me texts.
