Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 11, filing for D

[Lovelyp]

Hi PsySara,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I'm reading your sitch and still on old posts. Maybe I'm not the best person to give advice. I believe you guys are in love but then your husband is so frustrated with what it had become before he had the A. I understand you are both muslims but not sure how you handle this. I had a friend who grew up in strict churches and she got too religious compared to her H. The husband grew up in similar churches so when they got married they just both continued to follow the strict church rules. The husband started getting interested in women who wear certain types of dressing but was too scared to communicate abt how he didn't really like the strict code as he felt it made her less attractive and older. He would wear trendy clothes and the wife never noticed his unhappiness. She only realized when she found some texts between him and the OW. It was a shock to her to learn what turns him on is things against his church dressing code. She got rid of the flared, dull skirts, very loose tops and head cover. The H was happy and they both discussed what changes they can make in terms of dressing and lifestyle.

I think with faith it's always good to discuss so that you are both comfortable and happy. Some faiths are not based on what we choose and some Hs or Ws fear being labeled and quietly follow rules so as to be seen as good spouses. This is especially so when one grow up in the faith (or church because doctrines and rules differ a lot ) and hence might not personally have made a choice. This might not be relevant to you but his interest in the OW seems not to be because he loves her but he seems to be running away from some limitations. Is the woman of similar faith and dressing? How strict is she about rules related to faith?
When I look at what you wrote I think there is something in the marriage he is unhappy about and he didn't start with the A. He first hurried himself in work. It might be things he feels you might not want to change (possibly related to how strict you follow faith related rules).
I feel you have to be open minded and ask him what really got him so unhappy. I am a Christian and I believe there are basic faith doctrines which are important but as to following church rules you should be open to make changes that make both of you happy without considering how your extended family feel. I have some friends who followed strict church rules and the Hs felt suffocated by the rules and started to look for fun outside.

[PsySara]

Sky,
It's taken me some time but I've really started to detach. Or maybe apathy has become the more applicable term. I can't really find much love left in me for WH, he's just trampled all over any bond I may have had to him. One thing is for sure, it's like he's suddenly come into focus and I am scraping the barrel to find any reason to even give him a second chance, even if he did all the things I need.

Lovely,
You're right that WH has been unhappy even before the affair but your reasons are inaccurate. WH likes to make big goals and plans but does not have the follow through. While we were getting to know each other he said he always wanted a wife that wore hijab, that was focused on the basic tenets of our religion without being hard core, someone who would work together with him to raise faithful children. And children, he wanted oodles of them. After we married he wanted us to pray together so I did. But after a few months he stopped praying as much and I just continued alone. Children came along and he really dropped the ball. He would practically beg me for babies but then I had extremely difficult pregnancies which were high risk. He in turn mentally checked out leaving me to suffer alone. For example, I had a huge bleed while pregnant with DD and he asked if he could nap before taking me to the ER because he was coming off a call. I was going to drive myself but he knew that would look bad so he took me after all. Friends and family noticed and were appalled, I chalked it up to father-to-be anxiety. I spent the nights awake with the babies, dealt with their day-to-day care and he would have moments of being very connected to them but then return to playing video games for hours on his days off and leaving me to single parent. He's a good playmate but not a consistent father.

Throughout the years he would say how we need to go to the mosque more, get the kids involved more in the Islamic community but then would do...nothing. I would get them all dressed up for our holidays and he would buy them sweets and yummy food but still just haphazardly practice our religion. Over and over again he would have these grand goals of the kids memorizing Quran(known as a hafiz and very respected) of them spending 2 years in strict Islamic school etc., etc., I would maintain a more moderate goal of just teaching them basics. On the surface he would want a very practicing household but he never consistently practice.

I wore hijab before I even met him. He was very focused on the fact that I wore hijab and kind of showed me off to his family and friends. He always bragged that I never drank alcohol (strictly forbidden in Islam) and wasn't "loose" like people expected of a Western woman. My point is this, WH doesn't know what he wants anymore. I removed hijab earlier this year after someone threatened me in the presence of my child and frightened her. I dress very classy and modern, my hair is done professionally and every one at works compliments my appearance. I appear much younger than 40 years (people usually guess me around 28-30) and I am slim and petite. I could have been my WH's fantasy woman but he cheated because he craves novel things. He likes to feel like someone's savior and when that newness wears off he seeks something new-er. Since I have known him he had entertained multiple hobbies, lifestyles and makes BIG plans career wise but never follows through.

I'm not saying he is not smart or ambitious, I am saying he simply never does the necessary things to make his BIG dreams come to fruition. He acts like a teenager still trying to find himself but this...whatever...has been consistent for the 10 years I've known him. I kept assuming he would grow up and mature, stupid me thought he would grow.

So yes, WH was unhappy before the affair but I think he's been unhappy since before we met. I think he wants an idea of being a family man who is this hardcore Muslim but the reality is not as glamorous. Sorry to write a book but this has been something I've been turning over in my head for years now.

[skyhigh]

Sara, be very careful, every time he feels he is in a hot spot, he changes for a few days then revert to his old behavior. That's just plain manipulation.
Changes take time, weeks, months or even years.
Set up boundaries and enforce them. If he is really serious he will accept the boundaries and understand your point of view. Don't bend!

[kml]

And what happened to their former wives, after sadness and grief they became quite happy with their new life, because they didn't have to deal with that constant walking on eggshells

That's me!

I doubt your H was actually that religious - he may have wanted a religious wife because it made him look good, or because he thought you would be subservient. But narcissists hate to do things they don't want to do, and the actual work of being religious was probably boring to him.

Bear his need to "look good" in mind as you negotiate this divorce - you can use it to get cooperation. "I know that you really want our kids to go to college, so how about we both contribute X amount to a college fund?"

Also - unless you think he's dangerous, insist on him taking the kids at least two nights a week. You need time to GAL.

As for him riding by your work - be prepared for him to accuse you of having an affair. They think if they can do it, you could do it. I bet he was spying on you for that purpose.

Take the emotion out of it. The more you chastise him the worse the negotiations will go. Act as if this is a good thing for him "I know you'll be happier this way" and act as if you assume he will be a good father (but protect yourself privately by assuming the opposite),

Btw - I'm with you on the nanny gas situation! I'll never understand how people can treat their childcare providers so poorly!

[Lovelyp]

Thanks Sara I get it. I think he is or has been unhappy and looking for something to excite him. IC would have helped but since he doesn't want there is nothing you can do. Just keep focusing on yourself and your 3 kids. It is welll

[Ginger1]

Sara, be very careful, every time he feels he is in a hot spot, he changes for a few days then revert to his old behavior. That's just plain manipulation.
Changes take time, weeks, months or even years.
Set up boundaries and enforce them. If he is really serious he will accept the boundaries and understand your point of view. Don't bend!

I have to second this. it's a notable cycle, and you always give him the chance, for good reasons of course. But it is clear after so many times it is manipulation and not permanent changes. He does enough to get back in the door, can't do an ounce of the work to stay in, then he cycles.

I had a dream for my family too. I wanted an intact happy home. I think we all did. We can do our part, but it really does take two. What you have and will have may not be in your life plan, but it doesn't have to be miserable. Your life will be great and so will your kids, even if it looked different than you could have ever imagined.

[PsySara]

Sky,
I've literally given up any hope he will change. With each passing day I feel my rage and disgust towards him building. This has been an enlightening 2 years. I am finding myself relieved when WH is not in my company and seething when he is simply "here" but not engaged with the family.

KML,
So far I've been cool and matter-of-fact. I keep my rage carefully sequestered in my head and remember what the end-goal is here, getting a good life for my children. I would probably laugh in his face if he accused me of having an affair and might even fuel the fire. I would not deny but rather question why he even cares? After all, he's made is crystal clear that he was NEVER happy in our marriage, that I am a nasty harpy who brow beat him daily.(insert sarcastic expression and violins playing sadly)

Lovely,
Exactly. He has made his search for pleasure and "happiness" completely on external factors. While some describe their spouses jumping into a MLC I feel WH has kind of always been kindling one.

Ginger,
Since I've already sunk 4K into the D process I think it safe to say he would have to do something HUGE and consistent for me to let go of the trigger. Right now my finger is firmly on the trigger and as soon as I complete the financial part it will be pulled.

So just some journaling. Yesterday I came home to WH helping DD with her homework, very out of the ordinary. She asked to go swimming and he said he would take her after her homework. Later DS4 came and asked to go swimming too, he said WH told "Maybe, we'll see." I figured he would hide out in his office or something until the kids were bathed and put to bed. You can imagine my surprise when WH comes out in his bathing suit (kids were watching iPad with headphones on so did not see or hear him) and says he's going swimming alone. I spoke quietly and asked him about his promise to take them out. He kind of mumbled that they didn't seem to care and he went out without them. Shortly thereafter DD looked up and saw WH swimming outside. She was very upset so I dressed the kids in bathing suits and took them out as well.

Kids swam for about an hour and then I brought them in for showers. WH bathed them and handed them off to me to dry and dress. (he was already in the shower) I am just gobsmacked that he is so unbelievably selfish and immature. Who promises to take their kids swimming and then goes alone?? Today WH was very late getting home. I calmly asked him to communicate when he was planning to come home late so I could plan accordingly. (there are days I go to the hair parlor and need to know when he will be home on time to relieve the nanny, else wise I need to be home on time.) He snapped "I am always late on my first day back to work, also on call some days! You just need to accept that." I just lifted an eyebrow and walked away.

I harnessed my anger and went to the dining room table and started chipping away at the financial stuff. I casually asked him about the car insurance amounts as well as the cell phone. He asked if I was doing the D paperwork and I said yes. He just nodded and said he would get that info. Other than that nothing to report, just living in this weird limbo and taking it day by day.

The sadness still catches me off guard and I have to actively work to focus on my tasks at hand. I wish this wasn't my life.

[skyhigh]

I totally understand your anger and disgust. The positive side of filing is that finally you are showing your teeth and sending him the message, Enough is enough, I won't tolerate your lies and your disrespectful behavior anymore. The strong Sara is back.

Did he mention moving out soon?

From what I have witnessed from my friends who went trough that ordeal, buckle your seat belt and get ready for a wild ride when you will start to make demands that won't go his way. Stay calm and handle it as a business deal, think about everything, from what the kids will need now to until college. It's very difficult/almost impossible to change a divorce settlement once it has been signed by a judge. Also you might be entitled to be reimbursed (50%) of the money he might have spend on selfish spendings or the OW.
Don't let him intimidated you during the process, keep your mind on the finish line.

[skyhigh]

Don't forget to eat some dark chocolate, it helps a lot when feeling down...
Watch a few comedies, stay away from drama, you need to increase your endorphins.
Get a massage!
Brush the toilet bowl with his toothbrush, lol!
Fill the fridge with whatever he doesn't like but you and the kids love to eat.
Have the internet having issues when he plays video games if they are online games.

[kml]

Who promises to take their kids swimming and then goes alone?

Someone immature who thinks the kids aren't paying him sufficient attention.

As for the paperwork - be prepared to do almost all of it yourself. Even when WASs file, they seem to expect everything will magically fall into place with no effort on their part.

Resist being resentful over it, just play it like you're helping him "get free". Use emotional aikido to get his cooperation.