Any Advice 2

[gw5263]

So i learned today that OM is sneaking up to spend a week here during fall break. My W and kids will be out of school for that week. No idea what she has planned other thatn the obvious. She originally planned on taking the kids down there for the week but i found out a month ago and said hell no.

So how should i handle this?

[TBSakaJ9]

How did you find out?

[25yearsmlc]

GW,

Those are great GALs. You have a really good plan. Don't fall for her trap. Until she says she want to work on the marriage and show remorse keep DBing.

Keep up the good work.

not to quibble, but DBIng is a way of life, not so much a tactic to get the spouse back.

It means not attaching our worth to another person even if the person is our spouse.

It means not letting their mood affect ours (other than sympathy/empathy when they need it)

not letting THEIR view determine our choices and whatever choice we make, we own. No blame shifting.

DBing is about realizing our happiness is and has always been OUR responsibility and no one else. We make our needs known, we say what we want, and we are ready to negotiate with our spouse b/c we know life does not "Give" us everything we want.

Div Busting and living well

- is about always, always having a life. As for GAL --

People with hobbies and friends and interests, bring more to the table as a spouse, as a partner, as a friend and as a parent.

They are not people who present to us with their bucket of needs. Their bucket is already full, so no, they do not "need" us. They want us b/c we add to their life and they add to ours.

Hope this helps.

[25yearsmlc]

Sorry Sandi, I will. Im starting over fresh.
I have a question - As long as we are not discussing the A, we get along great just like before all this happened. Is that cake eating on her part? Sorry if its a stupid question, but im trying to learn fresh and figure out the landscape.

I asked my DB coach this ^^^question a long time ago.

She said "to an extent, every WAS 'cake eats' for awhile. They are not here trying to save the m, the LBS is. The WAS is on the fence about the m, so of course they 'cake eat' temporarily."

There are obvious judgement calls. Make sure your motivation is not acting out of a sorely wounded pride or ego, but from a genuine desire to set/enforce a boundary.

Can you hire a DB coach? You seem to take a lot of polls and then react quickly to the latest strongly worded post.

Food for thought.

I know its not detaching in the slightest, but we went out as a family to the grocery, like we always did, and had a really good time, laughing, joking, picking at one another. Just curious if it is because there is no mention of the A?


No one can say "WHY" there was joy in the family or marriage.

But I can tell you that questioning and cynically doubting every single happy moment will sure enough end them.

Good moments and sometimes just "Conflict free" ones, helps to give you something to build on. I can say for sure if you are cold and or confrontational it won't get a reconciliation out of this.

Also, 25 mentioned that this A was relatively new given the standards, 6 months aas one and 18 as another. Will i be able to notice if it fizzles out as mentioned?

if you are to reconcile, and last, it'll be b/c at some point, your w will make her wants plainly known.

Nothing foggy or vague, b/c you & she won't reconcile without some certainty on your end

and you won't have that certainty without clarity from her.

Your real question is how you can tell if she's second guessing herself. I"m hesitant to say b/c there really are many variations. BluWave's h had an open A for several months and I think they were apart for 18 months (I'm not positive there on the timeline).

In any case, she gave up and her h had his own awakening. He's working hard to rebuild the trust she lost and they certainly have a good shot at this. But she went through hell & back.

And if I recall right, there were few signs he was on his way back. I know there were some interesting misinterpretations she mentioned awhile back.
In fact one worth sharing.

Blue said during their sep, she got a promotion of sorts at work. Her h gave her a bottle of wine and a card and set it in their (former) bedroom. She read a lot into that placement and spent a ton of mind reading energy on that, but when they later reconciled, she asked her h about it.

He said "oh, I put it in the bedroom b/c I did not want the kids to see the alcohol..."

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=joejoe1]GW,

Those are great GALs. You have a really good plan. Don't fall for her trap. Until she says she want to work on the marriage and show remorse keep DBing.

what is her trap?

[25yearsmlc]

So i learned today that OM is sneaking up to spend a week here during fall break. My W and kids will be out of school for that week. No idea what she has planned other thatn the obvious. She originally planned on taking the kids down there for the week but i found out a month ago and said hell no.

So how should i handle this?

Can you clarify the geography here? He's "sneaking up" meaning he is south of you - and she was going to take the kids south to see him - or is there something else south, like a beach or a lake or what?


Can YOU take off that week and go somewhere as a family? It's a holiday of sorts?

And can you remind me what SHE would have said about the marital problems, that you believe have some validity?

Affairs are always wrong but they are not all alike.

I have seen marriages recover after affairs. It does happen.

[joejoe1]

25,

Her temp testing trap. Maybe I shouldnt call it a trap.

[25yearsmlc]

Joe,

you're right, temperature testing is not a trap. And the way to handle it, is not to handle it

but not to read into it. Does you know what I mean?

[25yearsmlc]

** Do** you know what I mean?

Sure miss the edit button. Even if just for 10 minutes.

(moderators???)

[gw5263]

25, he is in Georgia and we live in Kentucky.

Here is what she would say if asked about the problems in the marriage - I went thru a phase where i was drinking a lot. Thru IC i later found it was self medication for PTSD from work.( LAw Enforcement) I have not taken a drink in 92 days, since the day she told me it was an issue

I emotionally neglected her. While drinking, i never showed any loving mannerisms, IE kissing her, hugging her, and lacking in the sex department. She says all of this led her to emotional disconnect. She connected with OM one night while feeling bad about our R and began an emotional affair. She later says she eventually felt like she fell in love with him

I made her mad when i told her it was not a real relationship because it was all over the phone, I begged and pleaded, and tried to reason. I got emotional towards her, telling her how i felt and how much i loved her. she felt it was put and fake.

I still cant understand the dynamics of her A or how it has lasted with very minimal physical contact.