having a hard time

[Bizz]

Thanks for this very long message, it helped to hear that other are in the same situation, and I just read Sandis rule and must admit I problerbly have broken 90% of them during the crisis but I have saved them now and will try to follow them the very best I can and just started a diving-course which hopefully will take my mind of things as well.

The last two days, since he left, I have tried to activly stop my negative mind-set, by (shouting STOP, in my head) everytime it starts, my negative self-talk, which gets me down everytime, only one thought and I am crying but just “shouting STOP”, works alot of the time.

He is gone for a few weeks but calls every day or every second day.

I asked him straight up the other day, if he really wanted to save this relationship, and he said again that yes he wants to, but doesnt know how yet, so I am not sure how long time-line I have, I just know that I am not ready to give up yet. I dont want my son to go through what I went through and since we are the best of friends (still are) I really with all my heart know that we could have an amazing life, he thought the same for just 4 months ago, when he suddenly was 100% in, and we had a deal then to talk if there where any problems, but (as usually) he said nothing until it again it was to late (he thought that I moved to fast, he has told me now finally, 3 minths tonlate???) I told him to talk to me if there was anything absolutely anything that was not ok? But he kept his old ways, and said nothing and that is so sad, and then we got back to step one and again he made everything my fault

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Bb78]Thanks for this very long message, it helped to hear that other are in the same situation, and I just read Sandis rule and must admit I problerbly have broken 90% of them during the crisis but I have saved them now and will try to follow them the very best I can and just started a diving-course which hopefully will take my mind of things as well.

a scuba class? THAT will take your mind off things or you'll have problems in the class!


A lot of people have been in your shoes or are now. You need to Stop the pursuit. Seriously.

You don't want pity to keep him around half way. And you are hurting your cause by the pressure. How is your son?


The last two days, since he left, I have tried to activly stop my negative mind-set, by (shouting STOP, in my head) everytime it starts, my negative self-talk, which gets me down everytime, only one thought and I am crying but just “shouting STOP”, works alot of the time.

I used to use a "Stop Sign" image. Whatever helps. Have you seen a Doctor for anti anxiety medication? It sounds like there is some spinning going on.

There is a free meditation app called "insight timer" that has helped me enormously. Especially in the middle of the night. Also one called "Calm" and "10% Happier".

Keep posting.

He is gone for a few weeks but calls every day or every second day.

I asked him straight up the other day, if he really wanted to save this relationship,

Stop asking, okay? And back off the intimacy pressure, it's not something a man can just do.
\
and he said again that yes he wants to, but doesnt know how yet, so I am not sure how long time-line I have, I just know that I am not ready to give up yet.

then don't go there. If I understand your situation, you are both in the home and parenting the son, but not having sex.

Okay so, take care of yourself and give him time AND space. Work on yourself b/c as you say, you have stuff in your sandbox. Stay out of his for now.


I dont want my son to go through what I went through and since we are the best of friends (still are) I really with all my heart know that we could have an amazing life, he thought the same for just 4 months ago, when he suddenly was 100% in, and we had a deal then to talk if there where any problems, but (as usually) he said nothing until it again it was to late (he thought that I moved to fast, he has told me now finally, 3 minths tonlate???)

not clear on this^^. (The question marks you write in are a little confusing to me).

If he said you moved too fast, believe him. Stay in your sandbox, (working on your own issues, which you admit have not helped your situation. I think it's making a lot of things worse for the m. No offense, okay? But you sound so needy it has to be hard to feel relaxed or comfortable.

Be as good a mother as you can be, and GAL.

You have to Detach and you must MUST GAL to do that. Become a woman only a fool would leave.


IF you don't detach, you will make yourself crazy and your h will go nuts too.

Detaching is also the only way to find some peace.

Hang in there and keep posting and keep reading the Div Busting book.

[Bizz]

The question-marks was just that I didn’t understand him, when he didn’t say anything about something being wrong or that things moved too fast, until he had build his walls up again and shut me out again.

Yes its true that I was needy for a while there, and it has been hard not to be, but for one hole year, I tried not to be needy and giving him space and all the peace he wanted, suddenly I found out that he had been chatting to another woman, that threw me totally off and I actually wanted to leave then, but he suddenly was so sorry about what he had done and turned everything around 180 and wanted me - and I bought it and dived right back in (what I now know I should NOT have done, but I didn’t know better, I just was so glad he had finally “woken up”, And we talked about that from then on, we would talk about anything, also if something was wrong - but he said nothing, when he felt I pushed (I am really sorry I did that), and there are no excused, I just have to learn from it and take everything slower. And believe me I try not to be needy.

Normally I am a very “stand alone” person and always have wanted to manage everything myself, I have been very independant (too independant, if you ask my spouse, the biggest issue he had with me was apparently that I never needed him and never cared about him, since I always wanted to be able to take care of myself) so he thinks I was too independant and didn’t prioritize him enough - and he is right about that (to a point) not that I didn’t care about him, I have always loved him and still do - but have not been the best person to show him in his way, I thought I did, but I understand that He did not see it in the same way, and I cant say how sorry I am for that, if I had known, I would have made it alot better - but he is closed as a shell and always has been.

But since the crisis I have been really working on my self, my faults and I am prioritizing him, but its a fine line between prioritizing and being too close, actually I think its really hard to both detach and prioritize him? Maybe thats where I go wrong again?

I dont know, I am currently working with a therapist about my rejection and abandonment issue, which I have had since I was about 5 years old, there where alot of problems growing up with a violent stepdad, and that caused my mother to send me away alot, thats what I am trying to work out now with my therapist...

But thanks even for the harsh truth about being needy I just really want to stop and just be ok with him leaving or not...

[Bizz]

Trying all my best to follow alll the advice and GAL and staying in my own sandbox.

Our son is fine, we have managed to keep him out of it. It was only the first month he noticed that I was sad, but (and I have to say but) I was in chock, my spouse was at home for only 1 day, i had no idea that something was wrong then and he said nothing until 5 minuts before leaving on the boat (saying “I have had enough”) thats it, i stood there as an idiot and actually thought that was over and he didnt want to talk at all while being awa, more then a few times ove the phone - but wouldnt say anythingy? So yes there was a month there with alot of confusion and sadness, and unfortunatly our son picked up on that, but I told him, we had problems, but that We where working on it.

[Bizz]

"Is this something you've talked to your IC about? Your feelings of self-worth should not be tied to intimacy, that's putting too much pressure on a spouse to make you whole. We need to be happy alone before we can be really happy with someone else."

Yes you are very right, and I never in a million years would have thought that I would react this way? I must say everything I have ever thought about me, what that I would just say screw this and just leave, but for the first time in my entire life I really DONT want to run away, so yes you are very right that my self-worth should not have anything to do with the fact if I am with my spouse or not, so yes this is one of the main subjects I am fixing at the moment, and its going in the right direction.

[Bizz]

I think this started many years ago, when I started to feel lonely, he has been alot away every year and I have been taking care of everything at home and running a business at the same time, so for a few years there, it was extremely hard and I didn´t know how to stop it, until 2010, when I said enough.

So he is actually now (2017) mad about what happened 10 to 7 years ago and seems resentful of it, even if it has been going great many years afterward, and it seems like he is not taking any blame in this (except in March), when I had had it and actually wanted to leave, suddenly everything was his fault, but now its back to my fault, and I am actually getting a bit tired of taking all the blame. I have listened and accepted my part of the fault and never have I said otherwise, and I have appologize, but I cant keep appologizing again and again for the same things, and even things that he has misunderstood and never has talked to me about. I felt for many years that all I wanted was him for once to choose us over work and is friends. I don´t think he has every understood that all I wanted was some quality time with him.

[Bizz]

It was suppose to say (he told me 3 months to late, that I was pushing to much).

I believed everything he said, and also when he told me that now he would learn to talk about things, also the hard things, but unfortunatly that wasn´t true - So I learned that the hard way.

And I have always listened and believed him and I didnt argue, when he told me all the bad things, I listened and since then i have changed alot of my behavor - so yes I will give it more time and GAL at the same time.

[MoveFrwd]

I asked him straight up the other day, if he really wanted to save this relationship, and he said again that yes he wants to, but doesnt know how yet, so I am not sure how long time-line I have, I just know that I am not ready to give up yet. I dont want my son to go through what I went through and since we are the best of friends (still are) I really with all my heart know that we could have an amazing life, he thought the same for just 4 months ago, when he suddenly was 100% in, and we had a deal then to talk if there where any problems, but (as usually) he said nothing until it again it was to late (he thought that I moved to fast, he has told me now finally, 3 minths tonlate???) I told him to talk to me if there was anything absolutely anything that was not ok? But he kept his old ways, and said nothing and that is so sad, and then we got back to step one and again he made everything my fault

Try to remember that he is just as confused as you are. So his actions and words wont match and will change frequently.

One image that was given to me a long time ago that has stuck with me is that YOU are a large rock on the beach. Your job is to stay steady and strong. He is the ocean waves rippling and roaring around you.

What can you do to stay calm, focused, centered, and grounded during the time of crisis?

Work on GAL. Work on 180s. Work on rebuilding your self-worth.

[Bizz]

Thanks for all the answers, I am listening and have decided NOT to fall in the same ways again, where I am needy and lash out, I will do my very best to follow the “rules”, he is away for the next 3-4 weeks, so it I have plenty of time to GAL and to get my self together before he is back - am determine to do my very best.

[Bizz]

Maybe one more advice if anyone has one to this, how did you overcome not thinking more about the one person they had the EA with and maybe especially not hating them? its really hard do avoid in a small city? unfortunatly? any thoughts?