WAW? Would Love Opinions. Thanks! Part 5

[joejoe1]

J9,

Yeah, I can see now where you are coming from with knowing. How would you know if D is exactly over?

If I file today for D it won't change how I feel as I am still not emotionally ready to date. So outside of having paperwork I can still work on detaching etc. which is what I would have to do any way with or without a D being filed. Make sense?

It make sense.

How long have you been detaching?

[TBSakaJ9]

My W moved out on 6/17 so I probably started then. Time and distance is really the only way you can detach. GAL helps you through the process but it gets easier and easier as time goes on. You don't see them or talk to them every day, your interactions get less and less, you just gradually grow farther apart over time. During that period hopefully your confidence starts to grow due to your GAL and then you are ready to fly from the nest.

No 1 can detach is a month, I would say you could probably truly get there in a year maybe a little less.

I have thought about filing myself but again having that piece of paper in hand isn't going to change how I feel at this time. I am going to have to go through the process anyway and I don't think the piece of paper is going to help. I also have 2 young children so I am sticking up for them as well. What is 6 mths to a year in another 40 to 50 years of life?

Once my W moved out she has essentially cut me off at knee caps. When she walked she was done and has not waivered. We have not spoken about us or D in close to 2 months. Everything is about our D's or finances. She has not given an inch and has shown no signs of wanting to work on us. I also stopped snooping to find OM once she moved out.

So in many ways she has made this process very easy by not cake eating, drawing me into conversations, calling me, asking me to come over, wanting to hang out, etc. That's why you can't hang onto every conversation or word and you essentially have to view your MR as over and let them go completely.

[joejoe1]

J9,

My wife is still in the home, hasn't brought up D once. She once told me after an argument, that if I had D papers in front of her she would of signed them. That was over a month ago.

I hope my detachment doesn't take too long. I know it's going to be hard. But I'm ready for the hardwork. Everyday I read and try something new, and work on something I think I didn't do good the day before.

[TBSakaJ9]

Just a bit of journaling:

This Sunday will mark our 3rd month of separation and I think I am starting to show some signs of detaching.

I feel like I am starting to concentrate more on work, I no longer am checking my phone every few minutes to see if I got a text, thoughts of her are no longer dominating my mind every minute of every day, I do not feel as stressed about my interactions with her, I am sleeping through the night, I find myself praying less for peace, I am enjoying alone time and not having to worry about putting the toilet seat down, doing dishes and washing clothes. I am sure their are a few other things but that is what comes to the top of my mind.

I have also realized that I am a pretty good guy that got lazy in my marriage. Could I make some small tweaks here and there sure, who couldn't but at the end of the day I don't feel as though I have these deep rooted issues to plow through. What I have learned though is that I always need to ensure I look attractive at all times including physical, emotional and spiritual well being. I also need to do a better job of taking initiative also.

I do think I have changed my expectations and how I would communicate with my W in the future if we get to that point of being able to have deep and honest discussions about our relationship. Do I need to be more open about my feelings and expressing them, yes. Do I need to make sure my needs are being met, yet. Should I be afraid of the consequences of expressing my feelings and being more open about my needs no.

I have also learned through this process that I do miss my W and appreciate her even more and what she brought to the table. I understand that most of us will never have the opportunity to reconcile and that is sad/unfortunate. I hope I get the opportunity at some point in time however I know that I will be great either way and will apply what I have learned in this relationship or another.

I am not mad or angry at my W and have no resentment towards her. She felt like she felt and decided this was her best option to take. The only part I wished she would have handled differently was the communication process and a willingness to work on the relationship. That she would have been more direct when she first started to feel that maybe something wasn't working out for her. Maybe the result would have been the same but at minimum we could have walked away knowing that we both tried not only for us but for our children as well.

[Maika]

J-dawg - that post just pulled my heart strings man!

I can just feel the calmness and your detachment radiating from what you wrote. It's probably the most zen thing you've posted so far and it's really inspirational.

I have also learned through this process that I do miss my W and appreciate her even more and what she brought to the table.

I am not there yet, but working with my IC I am hoping to reach a place of true respect, patience, and gratefulness for what W brought to the marriage.

The only part I wished she would have handled differently was the communication process and a willingness to work on the relationship. That she would have been more direct when she first started to feel that maybe something wasn't working out for her. Maybe the result would have been the same but at minimum we could have walked away knowing that we both tried not only for us but for our children as well.

Oh man! I also feel this to the core.

You're in such a great head space right now. I know it will be a permanent state of mind at some point, but it's so good to hear where the future lies in this process when there are people who are ahead of the curve compared to me. It's really nice to read that I will also get there.

Keep it up man!

[LH19]

Dude,

Your'e like a fuching expert at this stuff. I saw your post on someone's thread and your advice was dead on IMO. You don't have to defer to the vets my man.

Your'e right, we got complacent and lazy and for now will pay the price for it. You know what though, we would have never changed if the B didn't drop, at least I know I wouldn't of changed.

I asked my IC a month ago, "what are the chances this ends up being the best thing that ever happened to me?" She said honestly, 99.9%.

You are going to be fine dude. Pay it forward and spread the word to the youth to never become complacent in your marriage.

[TBSakaJ9]

M - the quicker you can process your emotions the easier it will become to get to that place of patience, respect, etc. If you take what your W has done to you as personal attack then it will take longer than if you look at it objectively.

You will get there, don't beat yourself up, your W had you hanging in limbo and unfortunately you took the bait and thought it might be something more. Very natural IMO considering all the emotions we have inside. The more you have the opportunity to detach the easier it becomes. GAL helps but the only ay to get there is with time and distance. You have to think that it is also helping her in some weird way as well.

LH - Not sure I am an expert but I do feel this has come easier for me because I am not a control freak and have no problems admitting my faults. I think having a general laid back attitude has helped me through this process and I also have to give credit to my W who has never given me 1 inch since the day she moved out.

99.9%.....that is awesome! I feel the same way. I have many more tools at my disposal now that I did before.

I know I will be fine and I will definitely pay it forward! Most of what we are going through is EGO driven once you can't get past your own ego the better off we are.

M - I saved this from a post I read from Michelle maybe it will help.

This is from Nicky, a near-walkaway wife
************************************
Okay, told KentS I'd post some positives in my R. I can see them, I really can... but for those of you who are following my thread to see what goes on in the head of a WAW, let me tell you a thing or two... when I see positive changes in my H, it initially makes me ANGRY. Oh I hide it very well because I said I'd work at this and I will... I mean, I've just about made myself a promise that I wouldn't leave regardless of how the DBing turns out because of our children... but I still get friggin' pissed off, because WHY NOW? Why couldn't he have done these things the first three times I mentioned stuff wasn't right? Even the first 100 times! Because back then I wasn't the least bit confused about how I felt about him-- I adored him and it would have just added to that feeling and I wouldn't have this friggin chunk of ice trying to thaw in my chest. Ya'll go on and on about how your Walk Aways are hurting you and why do they have to be so selfish, etc., etc.... well let me tell you the other side-- it hurts that it takes walking away (or, in my case, just about walking) to make ya'll realize that all the other times we said we were in pain, we really meant it. It would be like hearing your child say my tummy hurts and not doing anything about it until the poor thing's intestine ruptured... do you think that child is going to be jumping up and down to give you thanks because you finally rushed him or her to the hospital?
I'm really not trying to rain on anyone's parade...I do admire each and every one of you who are working so hard to turn your marriages around... but I get tired of hearing the WAS's get villianized as if they just overnight lost their minds and decided to hurt everyone in sight. Maybe a few of them did... but I'd bet the majority were hurting for so long, they finally just decided to cut off the appendage rather than keep dealing with the pain. So when you question why they can't immediately get it that you've changed for the better, why you're having to deal with their confusion for eight months or a year-- it's because they have at least that much time's worth of pain surrounding their heart... and yeah, they had their share in causing the pain, but just like you get frustrated when you feel that you're doing all you can do and it's not enough... that's how they felt. Maybe they didn't have the tools that you have been given via DB, so they didn't communicate in the right way... but somehow,they were trying and felt just as pushed away as you all are feeling now while you're trying to reach them again.
So I have one piece of advice... please, please, please make sure the changes you are making are for real changes. Don't just do it to please the WAS, because that type of change tends to be temporary... and nothing will hurt your case with the WAS more than for them to discover that they opened up to you again in any way only to have you repeat the previous hurtful behavior. Make the changes because you truly believe that you will be a better person for it... and then be patient and understand that your S is confused and angry and hurting... and they aren't really trying to make your life a living H, they're just trying to figure out a way to stop the pain they are feeling... and right now, they truly believe (right or wrong) that YOU are the cause of that pain.

Believe me, I'm really not trying to come down on any of you or trying to make you feel guilty or anything. Really, I'm just venting-- but I also hope that my venting might help ya'll understand why your S's actions might seem a little bonkers to you.

[TBSakaJ9]

Had soccer games today for my D's. W texted me when she arrived and told me where the field was. Not usually like her. We made some small talk and in customary fashion I walked to the opposite end of the field and she followed several minutes later. Not much was said etc but I could tell that she seemed to warm up the longer we were together. It was kind awkward at first like we were not sure what to say to each other.

After my first D's game we came back to the house as a family and had lunch. I asked her how her friend was doing who just recently separated from her husband. I also asked her how the play date was with 1 of the other soccer dads and his girlfriend. I was just trying to make small talk as our youngest told me she had a play date. She said it was fine and they were really nice. I then asked her if his girlfriend was his A and that is the reason why him and his W got D'd. I probably shouldn't of said but it just came out. She said she didn't know. I fnothing else she knows it is on my radar.

We took separate cars to the 2nd game and it is there where I felt like she loosened up some. She told me having our kids for a week was hard and she started to joke around some. She did not bring up our anniversary which is 9/20 but she did ask if my mom was coming to town on 9/19 which is her birthday and I said "no" Anyway we continued to make small talk, cracked a couple of jokes and I was giving her a hard time about a few things. Just trying to joke around etc. At one point in time a dad was having a hard time getting a straw in a juice box and someone asked him if he was having a hard time getting it in. My W turned to me and made a facial expression, implying a sexual reference. I made a face at her as well something she normally would not do.

I don't want to go as far as saying she was flirting with me but something did feel a little different about our interaction today. It felt as though she wasn't as hardcore, she loosened up some the longer we were around each other, we engaged in some back and forth banter (i tried to kick her with a soccer ball for example) I was cheering for my D and my voice cracked and she said it sounded like i reached second puberty. It just felt like we were messing with each other more than we ever had in the past.

Anyway it has been two months since we have had any conversation about D or our R in general. As always I looked good, had a linen shirt on that showed off my GALing and I was hanging the guns She didnt say anything but Im sure she noticed

[joejoe1]

J9, it has been a few weeks since ive talked about the M or R. I wonder at my two month period, will I be able to kick a ball at my wife.

Keep the guns hanging.

[TBSakaJ9]

Best advice I can give you is to not take anything personal, try to think of the big picture and don't deliberately do things so it comes across as vindictive. It's a fine line but I do know that flirting is part of attraction.

I am not saying we are getting back together again tomorrow but the interaction did feel a little different.

Not talking about it is hard to do at first but about a month in I did my own temp check and didn't like how she made me feel with the rejection. Since that day I vowed I would never put myself in a position to feel that way again. Every time I feel the urge I think back to that day.