If life gives you lemon....do lemonade

[job]

My sincere condolences on the loss of the grandmother. She sounds like she was a wonderful and very wise woman.

As for your H, pressing him for answers is providing to be the same old thing...crickets. He tells you that he's going to do something and he doesn't follow thru. Typical of a person suffering from depression/mlc. His focus at the moment is on himself and what will make him feel better, i.e., be it traveling or sitting in a dark room. His empathy chip is broken and his words don't match his actions.

I'm so sorry he's not being more forthcoming. I do think you have the right attitude about living your life and enjoy it w/your family and friends.

Again, I am so sorry about your grandmother.

[OwnIt]

Lana, my condolences on the passing of your grandmother, she sounds like a special lady and a great influence on you and your girls.

I do admire your patience. I think this is something I need to learn for myself. I'm trying every day. I've tried in vain to move my own situation forward. Now I'm embracing my lack of control and my own need to live in the moment, focusing on my happiness and that of my kids. Thank you for the reminders in your post.

I agree with you. I don't want anyone in my life who chooses not to be there. I think my children have learned this lesson, and it sounds like yours have as well.

Hope the rest of your life and your job are going well.

[Lana_71]

Thanks Job and Own for your condolences ... I believe we were lucky to have her in our life...
I have a question and hope you can tell me what is the best action . Next week is my younger daughter's birthday and in the past her Dad did forget to send her a msg. Not sure this time. Two years ago I send him an email to remind him end of day and he sent her email and balloons next day. Last year I think he sent her a msg.
So what do you think is the best action. I just don't want her to feel bad that he again forgot her birthday while he never forgot her Sister's ( his favourite) this time he even offered her a I watch which she refused and then got nothing... so the issue would he remember? Should I remind him? When and what is the best way? I only care about how my daughter feels about being ignored if he will... I was thinking of waiting till end of day and send a birthday picture on the group chat. Or send a msg saying today is D2 birthday ... any suggestions ?

[Lana_71]

I know he does not deserve a reminder but my daughter does...

[job]

I think I would send a quick posting and ask if he forgot that today was your D's birthday. Then leave it at that and see what happens.

[Lana_71]

Thanks Job... I did send a msg in the morning today but he still did not open it... actually the whole WhatsApp has not been opened since Tuesday night... unlike him ... it did happen few times before he was traveling. ... now I know how my mind thinks what if he does not open it ... is he ok or sick .. what if he is in a hospital .... but anyway nothing is in my hand if he doesn't want to be found his bad . I need to stick to my plan and consider him gone ...

The other day talking to a friend who knows about my vanish h . So I said that my ego hurts sometimes knowing that he really totally ignore me and the kids . Sometimes I decided time to get D and apply for some kind of support but this needs more money since we are in two different countries and even if I get the D what about the kids they can't d their dad ...what a mess and what a messed up dad they have... how could I ever married this irresponsible man... how would anyone know that in 15 years some who seems good can be that disaster...

Anyway switching to my plan for the rest of the evening ... planning a small party for my d .. got her some chocolates to take to school and share with her friends ... I really hope she feels good and enjoy the day...

[OwnIt]

Lana, maybe I am alone in this, but at a minimum I would love to see you file for some child support. There is patience, and then there is just taking care of business. That would be a good monthly reminder to him that he has children that need him in their lives.

[Lana_71]

Hi Own ... you are not alone in this everyone arround a me think the same or at least my brother Tells me to keep the receipts especially schools as my kids are going to private schools ... but I always had an issue with money ... I don't want our problems to be diverted to money issues... he earlier in our life excused me if only caring about money me and his mom and if he makes enough money he will give it to us and hemce everyone is happy... most of our problems were money rested cause he really didnot care about it and would spend what he has on us without thoughts or planning....

On the other hand i have mixed feelings about him ... I don't want the money with such treatment ... on the other hand I don't live in the states ... hence our laws are tedious and he is in a different country ... hiring lawyers is an issue... I only think about it when I am mad and feel used and abused but when I calm down I know this is not me... and I don't want to play the money game... I know God has been so genourous with me sending me money from different streams all the time... for the last four years I have been completely financially responsible for my kids...

I know what your are thinking and will leave that option to the day i see no other option but asking I am able I don't want my issue with him to become financial ...he is what he is ...but for selfish reasons I feel I am better than him...


I know it is time for me to look for a job here .. would take a while as the market is slow... but hoping for the best...

Ok here is the update sent him text and an empty email saying today is d2 bd ... he didnot get what's app ... I guess phone might be not working but I guess saw the empty mail... so he sent her wishes saying a cool gift on the way... not expecting much but at least he did acknowledge ...he used a European number I guess working or having some fun in Europe ...

[Lana_71]

Hello ... kids came from school and we did a great cake for her... was so excited and ate all the surrounding chocolate ... planning to celebrate in the evening... she got her msg from her dad .. seems happy and write him a short msg thanking him and love him a lot ...

thank God this passed easy without her thinking of anything or wondering why he never calls ... I was so afraid that she will feel bad but I guess just seeing he remembered was enough for her... thank God I was blessed with great kids who unfortunately had a terrible father but somehow were oblivious to his short comings ... or at least they don't keep thinking of what they are missing...

I do believe that God put us in situations but somehow we end up gaining something from these circumstances... and I believe my relationship with my kids is much better now than before...my relationship with myself and my wants is also much better... I was earlier trying to please everyone now I don't care as long as I know I am doing the right thing and not hurting anyone ....
So overall this day seems good ...

[Lana_71]

Hello here is some update... not sure if I should have broken the NC.
Well my younger daughter and due to the msg she got from her father was expecting a gift some day so she asked me if I checked the mail twice this week and childlessly was convinced mail system is slow or lousy. Today I was a bit edgy should I share this.. how selfish of a father to promise a gift and not deliever even after 10 days and I am sure he has no intentions to do that..the same treatment he gives me he gives to his girls...

I honestly can't understand how can a loving father be so selfish irresponsible cold hearted person. I was thinking of buying something in his name but I knew she would thank him and then she would know it is not from him. So I sent him a msg saying D2 is convince her gift is stuck in mail.. should I get her something or u prefer if I don't interfere. Surptisingly he replied back gift is not stuck just a bit delayed. Then seems he went to look for something on amazon and send her a msg couple of hours later gift is Late in delivery by amazon ...

anyway I did not reply nor did she. I don't think I will reply saying what thank you for responding to my msg. Or thank you for not breaking my daughter's emotions ... whatever I reply is not sincere although I am hopeful that he will send her a gift. Not that she needs anything except to know that she has a father. These two kids break my heart . I can't deny I am angry at my self to have chosen this guy...

Should I have sent the msg... I know what is done is done... now he will send the gift a feel great that he did... usual when he does a small gesture after being asked.