So pulling out of the driveway today, I had an idea: I should just concentrate on what I have, and just ignore what I've lost. When I look at what I have: friends, family, two good boys, some cool things and hopefully a cool house, living in the USA, I should be happy. My Wnis the only negative, so if I just take that out of the equation, I'm doing great! This fits with how I've felt all along.
It is like I just time warped from 26 to 42 and picked up two kids along the way. It feels good. I'm in better shape too!
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
So pulling out of the driveway today, I had an idea: I should just concentrate on what I have, and just ignore what I've lost. When I look at what I have: friends, family, two good boys, some cool things and hopefully a cool house, living in the USA, I should be happy. My Wnis the only negative, so if I just take that out of the equation, I'm doing great! This fits with how I've felt all along.
It is like I just time warped from 26 to 42 and picked up two kids along the way. It feels good. I'm in better shape too!
Me: 42 W: 47 S: 10 M: Almost 10 in Oct T: 15 1st BD: Feb 2016 Divorce Filed: Mar 2016 Separated: Mar 2016 Reconciled: Oct 2016 2nd BD: Aug 2017
I just read through almost all of your story and Im certainly sorry for the position that you find yourself in. It's definitely not an easy or fun time, for sure.
That said, theres a few thoughts I had while reading through everything.
I think you are giving entirely too much of your mental energy and brain space to W right now. You seem to be analyzing every word, action, body language, interaction, etc to search for a possible 'clue' as to where she stands. Pretty much every post is focused on what shes doing or thinking or how you feel about her. I think you would be much better served focusing on yourself and your own self-confidence. I really enjoyed your wedding story until I reas that you left in the middle even though you and everyone you were interacting with was having a great time. I dont know you, but instead of looking for ways to knock W down in your mind, you should really be looking for ways to bring yourself up.
Someone posted to you a while back that you should be happy regardless of your W's mood. I dont agree. That isnt detachment. To me, detachment is taking control of your own emotional well being regardless of W's mood. Its OK to be sad. Its OK to be angry. FEEL whatever it is that youre feeling. As far as DB goes, right now, you shouldnt show those emotions to W as it relates to her; dont show her the emotional impact of her actions. I think you should really focus on your own emotional health.
As for when you are interacting with W, I think you need to work on your self-control. There are a lot of posts I read where you felt W misinterpreted you and so you defended yourself; when someone here called you out, your immediate reply was to again defend yourself and say it was a bad joke or something. I think AS said something similar, but Id knock it off with the jokes and sarcastic comments. Treat your interactions with W like a colleague you are being friendly with. You can make jokes, but you wouldnt want to say anything even approaching a line where they might be offended. Basically, stick to the facts, but in an upbeat kind of manner.
Lastly, you refer to DBing a lot, but Im not sure Ive seen any actual divorce busting as I understand the process from the books. Your story feels....rudderless as I read it. I cant tell exactly what your goals are, so it's difficult to really give good, concrete advice. The first step in DR is to start with a beginner's mind. The next step is to start setting goals. Do you have some? As I read, I found a lot of things you set out for W to do, but I dont see a list of what you want to accomplish. Not only as it relates to your R, but to overall become the person only a fool would leave. What does that man look like? What are you going to do to become HIM?Saving your marriage may or may not happen, but I can guarantee that you will succeed if you actually go through all of the steps.
I know this is a long post, and I can feel that it was probably more critical than I intended. I just want to give you some food for thought about how to make this process work for you. You say you may not have it in you to see iot through - start with a Beginners Mind and actually step through the process. It isnt quick, but it can definitely be rewarding.
I just read through almost all of your story and Im certainly sorry for the position that you find yourself in. It's definitely not an easy or fun time, for sure.
That said, theres a few thoughts I had while reading through everything.
I think you are giving entirely too much of your mental energy and brain space to W right now. You seem to be analyzing every word, action, body language, interaction, etc to search for a possible 'clue' as to where she stands. Pretty much every post is focused on what shes doing or thinking or how you feel about her. I think you would be much better served focusing on yourself and your own self-confidence. I really enjoyed your wedding story until I reas that you left in the middle even though you and everyone you were interacting with was having a great time. I dont know you, but instead of looking for ways to knock W down in your mind, you should really be looking for ways to bring yourself up.
[color:#000099][/color]I am analyzing what she does, but it is more through the lens of her having BPD traits, and more about her actions of the past. I only became aware of her BPD traits after BD and I find it fascinating. I'm not really looking at her for signs about the MLC because I know this takes a very long time, and frankly there haven't been any positive signs.
The wedding story did have a sad ending. I just can't have a couple drinks without it making me sluggish and down. I rarely drink. I need get full-blown drunk or I am going to end up sluggish and no fun in two hours. I was there from 5:00 to 10:30 and had a 45 min. drive home.
I'll get to the rest later. I also want to see if I have this colored response figured out
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
Kaizen with the samurai sword (as opposed to the 2x4)! I'm giving up on trying to quote and respond properly, since I mess it up.
Re: working on my self-control. Yes you are absolutely right. The incidents are making the posts because I know I'm struggling with not defending myself, and not getting riled up by her cuts. I used to be able to judge her mood by my jokes. If she smiled, she was in a good mood. If she got upset, I knew she wasn't happy with me. I just need to not joke about anything to do with her, you are right.
Re: DB'ing. I feel like I'm dealing with MLC and in the LRT. In the LRT part of the book, the instructions are very simple, and I have been following them. Most of it is about what not to do. what you are to do is GAL. BUT I do think that maybe I need to try to DO something else. She would complain about me not doing things around the house, so I will do more of those things. I have been cleaning more often. And now when I do things with the kids, I just do them and don't bother with filling her in. My sights are on painting some walls, since that is just about the only handy thing I know how to do.
I did not have any goals. I have a hard time coming up with any, but I will make a goal of having her stat a conversation with me that isn't for the purpose of information. I know this is a blah goal, but she has been perfectly capable of living in the same house and not saying a word to me.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
Re: becoming the man only a fool would leave. I was already working on self improvement. I've been steadily getting into better shape. I've been listening to podcasts on my interests; uplifting and enlightening stuff. I'm pretty sure my wife has BPD traits, so oddly enough, the better man I became, the more she needed to bring me down. She did it by not giving me what I wanted, no compliments, and in one instance trying to ruin an evening where I was a "top dog". She couldn't stand it.
So honestly, I feel like I already am that man. I was doing my improvements before BD. This winter (before BD) I became a firm believer in just working on myself to improve things.
As for GAL, I've been going out more. It would be a lot more fun if I could get the friends I really enjoy to go out with, but I'm working with what I have. I've been going to classes about raising gifted kids, got the kids to Sunday School every week at a very inconvenient time. Signed up to teach. But the thing that has really helped the most is just making progress on the fitness front. I have been able to get rid of a few more pounds, raised my plank time from 2:55 to 4:15, leg raises from 24-32, pull ups from 27-31, and push ups consistently over 70 instead of 67, etc. etc. Now I'm hyped for football.
I could improve upon my drive at work, (maybe not a good idea before a D), and just being more empathetic.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
So it is the third day since my little mini-epiphany about being thankful for what I have and basically ignoring the whole W thing, and it has worked so far. I know this is a roller coaster, "Caution: Feeling Subject to Change", but right now I'm looking forward to this whole thing being over. I don't feel a tinge of snark when seeing other people's lovey dovey Facebook posts anymore.
W went out at 6:00 or so last night, last minute, and didn't come home until after 3:00; but I don't seem to care too much about that, so I am happy with that emotional response. I'm going out with a friend tonight, and the W has plans for tomorrow again. We leave for a week long vacation to Florida next Friday that was planned before BD, with three other families. I'm really looking forward to it and so are my boys.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
