LC, don't beat yourself up for being clingy, emotional, or angry. We've all floundered and doubted what the right thing to do was. We're confused and hurting. It's so easy to go back and overanalyze a million things. If it was an honest attempt at the time it happened, that's really all you can ask. Learn and move on.
I think the pressure put on the LBS is immense, crippling actually. We feel like our S has given us this impossible maze to navigate, and if we can found our way out, we'll save the M!
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Yeah the pressure is maddening - crippling is the right word. At least DB allows the LBS to stop running around the maze trying to find the right corner to turn the clock backwards.
I saw AS mentioning that ignoring and waiting for WAS to love us again never works. But I'm certainly not going to ask anything "you seem sad..." stuff and only validate if she opens up herself.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
LC, my apologies if I'm repeating myself from earlier in your threads (I forget who I've told what sometimes) but I thought I was doing really well after BD and that I was going to be fine whether W came back or not, everything seemed awesome. Then about 3-4 months post-BD (where you are now) I suddenly had an unexpected crash that just seemed to come out of nowhere. I had never been through real depression/ anxiety before and didn't know what in the world was happening, it was horrible. There was no particular trigger, it just happened. If you start having thoughts of suicide and/ or you feel dead and empty inside, then go talk to a doc. I did and ended up on A/D's and about a month later I felt almost completely normal. Body chemistry is a strange and unpredictable thing, but going through BD can cause "situational depression" which is a very real illness that is completely beyond our control. It's not a matter of just snapping ourselves out of it, it needs professional intervention. I mention that because your posts are distinctly different now than they were before and I hear you saying things that remind me of what I went through.
Regarding your W telling you it's over for good and there is no chance, every WAS ever had said that at some point, and many of them do recon later. That is how she feels NOW. Tomorrow, next week, next year, who knows? My buddy that I've talked about before, his W said that to him almost word-for-word. "We are done and there is no chance we'll ever get back together." She left him, made him sell the farm, close their business and split all assets. She moved in with OM. That was 4 or 5 years ago. What would you say if I told you they are back together again, living together, rings back on, happier than ever? Impossible, right? Life is strange my friend. Never assume anything.
AS, I'm on A/Ds. I've just been sleeping really poorly (I'm going over a month at 4-5 hours sleep per night + also waking up during sleep) and haven't got any progress on my life. Going to see a doc tomorrow about that. But now I'm really in a point where I have honestly accepted the situation and even dropped down to the level where I don't have anything to lose anymore and she admitted she's in an R with the OM so emotional side will follow much faster, I guess. The next big blow will be the day when they tell to my D about the OM.
Yeah, I'm not gonna focus at all to the future anymore. We'll see.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
It's kind of the typical WAS pattern discussed here and in DR. She was having struggles and blamed him for everything until she was finally "done" with him. Once he removed himself from the equation and she realized her problems were with her and not him, she started doing some soul-searching. Her fog lifted and she remembered he was a pretty darned great guy after all, kind of a "what was I thinking" epiphany. She started reaching out to him just to talk, and things progressed slowly from there. She was the one doing all the pursuing because he was done. She had to work to get him back.
Originally Posted By: Tread
For me that proves that H was plan B. Because things clearly didn't work out with OM.
Plan B is you waiting around for your W, letting her temp check you, always letting her know you are there ready and waiting if she ever changes her mind (which she never will because she knows you'll wait forever). It's you hungrily licking up every pathetic crumb she throws on the ground. He was not Plan B. He let her go. He did not beg, plead or pursue her, and he did nothing to stop her from splitting up the assets. He also did not assist in the D in any way, and as it turns out she never pursued D. Once the assets were split he went absolutely and completely dark on her- zero contact for 2 years.
Originally Posted By: lcause
I've just been sleeping really poorly (I'm going over a month at 4-5 hours sleep per night + also waking up during sleep) and haven't got any progress on my life. Going to see a doc tomorrow about that.
Hopefully the doc can help with that, I was having the same trouble and they prescribed an anti-anxiety med for it. There's nothing worse than not being able to sleep! I hate being on any kind of med's, I took the anti-anxiety stuff very sparingly and weaned off the A/D's as soon as was reasonable (took them about 3 months total). I did consult the doc before weaning off of them. Per his suggestions I reduced the dosage every week, I think it was by 15%? Can't remember exactly, but it did require cutting the pills up into ever-smaller pieces. Anyway I'm just saying it's hopefully temporary to get you through this until you are your normal self again, and you will be!!
This directly from the doc: "sounds like you're having stress. Here's Rx for sleep meds". Seriously? I "slept" 12 hours last night. Woke up multiple times. This is just getting annoying. My face looks so tired. Hard to keep say eye contact when you're tired. Just generally feel so much less confident. If I ever get this fixed I'm going to take laser therapy for the dark circles around my eyes.
XW sending pictures again and complaining about what D is doing, how D is feeling and so on. It's really funny how everything important (e.g. schedule stuff) starts with "sorry to bother you.." but all these non-important stuff just come through. This all is so messed up that I'm really coming to the point of understanding that there is no reason to try to think why. My mom constantly advices me to be much more blunt with these. She says she regrets she raised us to be so nice, albeit jokingly.
Also XW said my XBIL asked if I could remove his XW from Facebook friends. I didn't answer and frankly put, that's so childish. You can come directly to me with a good reason; who I have in my friends is not your business.
Been helping my father to fix a few cars. I woke up to reality of what I would really want to do - amateur theater! That would be a dream, would help me immensely and I'm now trying to find out how I could get there. I'm pretty good at acting and "living the emotions" and acting them out with energy, but of course only for people that I know. But this could make me more extroverted! I've never felt this passionate about something else than my core interests
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
We don’t need a relationship. A lot of the pain we are feeling is because having a wife or a family validates us to ourselves and others. That we are ok.. We are lovable.
The pain we are all feeling now.. Is that loss.
BUT.. That pain does fade, and when you are not afraid anymore. That's a world that most people never have the balls to face.
We are dropped there (without us wanting it) but we are still there.
Our WAS never address that issue, so see the OM as another person to fill that validation part of their lives.
Its done out of need rather than want.
The best part Is.. You will be in a position of want soon.. Rather than deperate need. They wont.
You win long term.
I realized I didn't really answer to this but this is what amazed me. I understood this already put you put it out there very well and it really got hammered into my mind properly now. Thanks for this B.
I think the Rs that truly last and where love is shown for years and years are exactly built on top of a foundation like this. Of course there is a chance a R from a need goes on but I think it's more rare that it would be as fulfilling because the partner is selected on wrong terms. I don't believe in the concept of love on the first sight because true love comes after the initial limerent phase ends.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Mediation tomorrow. I'm going to ask for separate rooms and I'm pretty sure my wife is going to be confused about it. I didn't even want to go... But agreed because people said it's better. She's making my life h3ll on purpose.
I'm feeling so angry today. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to be a single dad properly. Winter is coming and it's going to be h3ll. I'm glad D is so old she can help me. I just don't understand how she could do this to me. I so wish I can build a good life for myself. It just feels so hard.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
This all is so messed up that I'm really coming to the point of understanding that there is no reason to try to think why. My mom constantly advices me to be much more blunt with these. She says she regrets she raised us to be so nice, albeit jokingly.