LC - I don't have much to add from what Benito and Btrow said. Your post shows me that you are doing some serious self-reflection and now you can admit where you are emotionally and focus on yourself. I know you said you did a bunch of things that drove her away - we all did some of that dumb $hit. But let that go because if you just focus on yourself for the next 12 months, then see where the chips fall.
I think we need to completely break ourselves down before we can rebuild and truly start living life from a place of strength. I think telling ourselves we're going to be okay too early on just short circuits the process. Just know you're not okay right now and you can allow yourself to feel and process that - let the anger and grief out. And start building yourself over time.
You're going to be okay because of all the things that you are going to do to heal yourself in the next 12 months; and you have a solid community here that has your back. I don't think I could've done this without this forum. Let's help each other build ourselves and learn from each other.
Benito: I appreciate it. I'm sorry I acted a bit rude towards you. I already do have a job but it's a job I'm really insecure about. So finding a better one would definitely be the best starting point.
Btrow: I understand. The thing is though, I think my actions made her start a proper R with the OM. Or maybe I'm just mind reading or speculating. I know she knows I'm wounded and that s%cks. I'm still living too much in the future.
Maika: I will let it go because now I simply don't have anything to lose anymore, like you said. I've effectively reset the entire thing and the only way is either up or an alternate path. I agree what you are saying too, I was trying to convince myself too early...
It will still haunt me for a while that I did what I did and potentially ruined the entire thing. Of course it will. But on the other hand, I'm probably a bit relieved too. I don't know.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
That's true Benito. I meant this phase, not M but I guess she could have also take some time to find herself again and not start a new relationship from a place where she was so wrecked that she believed no one would ever want her again.
Well, that's her problem now and not mine. I can now focus entirely on myself and my own problems.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Ha! Well, we'll see, can't predict the future. That's that moment's problem if that ever happens. Now I'm focusing on the present moment. Getting myself up.
Kids coming here today. Holy h3ll how much I have missed them. Going to cook something really good for D and let her play some Minecraft while I'm playing with S Too bad the weather is really bad.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Precisely. They jumped into a R without doing the same level of personal work that the LBS is doing. They haven't really fixed or improved what they did to contribute to the breakdown of the MR. I know for a fact that with my W - she still has the same issues she did pre and post BD. Whatever she gets into is with the same baggage and can only last so long because you truly can't just jump into a new R like this. That's why the LBS shouldn't even contemplate one for at least a year - we're just not ready. The WAS think that they can and once that falls apart, who is the person they can fall back on.
And as Benito said - the LBS has a choice at that point and the ball is in their court. You can come to this from a place of strength at that point. Nothing to lose by then.
I also think not jumping into a R shows strength on your part. It shows that you are willing to do the work to hopefully avoid getting into this situation again. It also shows that your not needy, clingy and you have a great life with or without a mate.
We don’t need a relationship. A lot of the pain we are feeling is because having a wife or a family validates us to ourselves and others. That we are ok.. We are lovable.
The pain we are all feeling now.. Is that loss.
BUT.. That pain does fade, and when you are not afraid anymore. That's a world that most people never have the balls to face.
We are dropped there (without us wanting it) but we are still there.
Our WAS never address that issue, so see the OM as another person to fill that validation part of their lives.
Its done out of need rather than want.
The best part Is.. You will be in a position of want soon.. Rather than deperate need. They wont.
I also think not jumping into a R shows strength on your part. It shows that you are willing to do the work to hopefully avoid getting into this situation again. It also shows that your not needy, clingy and you have a great life with or without a mate.
THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^
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THAT vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Quote:
We don’t need a relationship. A lot of the pain we are feeling is because having a wife or a family validates us to ourselves and others. That we are ok.. We are lovable.
The pain we are all feeling now.. Is that loss.
BUT.. That pain does fade, and when you are not afraid anymore. That's a world that most people never have the balls to face.
We are dropped there (without us wanting it) but we are still there.
Our WAS never address that issue, so see the OM as another person to fill that validation part of their lives.
Its done out of need rather than want.
The best part Is.. You will be in a position of want soon.. Rather than deperate need. They wont.
That's that moment's problem if that ever happens. Now I'm focusing on the present moment. Getting myself up.