Rebuilding my life

[Holding]

I came here to look advice for making my family intact again but that's not going to happen anymore so I don't think this board has that much of a value personally for me, except for maybe helping where I can and if I can.

Self-growth topics are not really all that interesting. I should put up another blog and write my journey there.

LC, I encourage you to stick around and post at least until your D is final. Even though people come here looking for hope, I think they deserve to see all possible outcomes.

[25yearsmlc]

You wrote:


Self-growth topics are not really all that interesting. I should put up another blog and write my journey there.

What do you think about this^^ statement?

[lcause]

Ok 25. I'm sorry, I do see your point. I guess on some level I was trying to get someone to say that I didn't burn ALL the bridges. Ironically I just did what you told me not to (let the negativity become the self-fulfilling prophecy).

I think I'm more messed up than I thought. IC helps but still I'm feeling regret now. But I don't know really if it's the fear or what. All I know I have been sleeping really poorly for weeks now.

I'll continue writing every now and then and try to keep it more in the interactions between me and XW.

[lcause]

I think I require some 2x4s for one last time. Someone roast me! Don't save on words. Make it as blunt as it can be. Then I really have something to prove wrong! Don't mind, I'm not going to be offended. Bonus points for being funny

[Btrow]

No problem, but what exactly have you done to deserve 2x4's? I guess we can re-write history and gaslight you a bit, but I still cannot see what you did wrong here?

Are you referring to the stuff you told XW then please repeat them.

[lcause]

I was clingy 3-4 times, she saw me really emotional. Asking for her feelings and what she thinks of future (reassurance). Then I noticed her getting closer to the OM and got angry even though I said here it didn't. I told her I'm pissed off she couldn't be honest with me even though that was the only thing I asked for. I told her our R depressed me and said I think I'm going to be better off. I said I could never be able to appreciate her for just jumping into a new R directly. Later I said my future is not going to be better because I could have built it just as good with her and apologized. I also apologized that our R did not depress me but the fact that I couldn't be a proper husband for her. Then we both agreed there is no chance for us anymore after all this. Then she said she is so happy now that someone would actually want to be with her even though she thought no one would want her.

I was so sure my future is better without her. I really was. But an intact family is an intact family. Now I'm regretting all the clingyness and declarations. I still think I need time alone to grow but I still kind of hoped we'd both grow and have a chance for a family reunion, as changed people. Super embarrassed to say this all. Maybe I was trying hard to prove something for myself. But Now, roast me, force me to focus on myself and my future with someone else. Roast me of failed DBing. Roast me of failed GALing and I'll make sure I prove you wrong down the path!!!

[Benito]

Morning,

Well at least we are getting a bit of genuine honesty from you now - that is good. There is no shame in that at all. From my point of view it is obvious you are battling with conflicting mindsets/ideas as you are jumping around emotionally, and it feels sometimes as if you are trying to convince us as much as yourself.

Either way, I am glad you feel like this now as this is where you can finally (as my dad would say) "knock a boiler off" i.e. calm down, focus and start just by getting through one day at a time.

Once again I will reiterate that there is no shame in how you feel or your actions etc..

I for one am glad you have reached this point because this is the point from which you need to build from.

[lcause]

Thanks B. I expected roasting from you but got very supportive words. You're a good guy You put it well. Now I have nothing more really to say to XW. I've dropped the rope logically but indeed not emotionally. Maybe it is as you say and this is the point where I start to make true progress in my life.

Oh and I'm seeing a doc about my sleep issues tomorrow.

[Benito]

Im supportive because your being honest.

Like I said above if you read through your posts there was an element of "look im going to be ok" - when in reality that wasn’t the case. If anyone spent the time to genuinely imagine how you must feel after 'losing' your family (I don’t mean that to sound harsh) then they would know it isnt just going to be alright.. Its going to be hard.

That being said, now you admit you arent 100% ok and you are struggling a bit, then fair enough lets support you.

Im not trying to make you feel better, but you will be ok.

From my point of view the first thing you need to do is get a job. Get some money coming in and get into a routine. You can build from there.


Doesn’t have to be an amazing job - just something to give you some purpose and time to think about something else other than your situation.

[Btrow]

I told her our R depressed me and said I think I'm going to be better off. I said I could never be able to appreciate her for just jumping into a new R directly. Later I said my future is not going to be better because I could have built it just as good with her and apologized. I also apologized that our R did not depress me but the fact that I couldn't be a proper husband for her. Then we both agreed there is no chance for us anymore after all this. Then she said she is so happy now that someone would actually want to be with her even though she thought no one would want her.

Listen, we all screw up some times. We are humans. You are a human going through the worst period in your life. Off course you get emotional. It's not like you could have rehearsed for this period. You said some things in the heat of the moment and she reacted the way any other person would have. When you said you were better of without her etc what could she have responsed with, other than "yeah I'll be better of too"....

Many many years ago I had a girlfriend (we were living together). I know it can't be compared to a long marriage with kids and all, but still: when she told me she wanted to leave I probably said the most hurtful thing you could ever say to a woman. "I don't care about you". I could see directly how painful that was for her to hear. But you know what. 6-8 months later she came back (the door was closed though). So please stop obsessing about what you said in the heat of the moment. Your XW will either forget what you said or not let it hold much value. She KNOWS it came from a wounded man.