Rebuilding my life

[lcause]

I know, that's my point too. Of course the same will happen with my next partner too. Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough

[lcause]

I'm embarrassed to admit but I think it is true what AS really said in Maika's thread. I haven't dropped the rope but I still feel I couldn't take her back now. I want to live my life and find myself but I do think I made too quick decisions and now I also regret not DBing and giving ultimatums/pushing her further away or just having zero expectations and just living my life. I do think the issues we had could have been discussed and I do think we could have found a common ground.

However now that I only have a future without her thanks to my actions, it is better for me to start entirely focusing on myself and stop visiting this forum. It feels like reading the sitches here is actually harming my process because I end up thinking back all the time and spinning around. I already felt very good. I'm really embarrassed my negativity and anger took me to the wrong path. I just have to remember that future is as bright as I want it to be.

[Btrow]

The logical part of your brain has dropped the rope but the emotional part hasn't. I'm right there with you. We'll get there eventually.

And yes, reading other person sitches is probably not doing us any good until we are "through". I used to follow all sitches here, but have cut it down to just a few now. We can always come back later to offer support and advice.

[lcause]

Thanks Btrow, that's probably the best way to put it. I guess the emotional side is really hard to kill, especially quickly. There are some studies that rebound relationships actually help you get over your ex quicker. I made the mistake and I read some random garbage in Reddit about talent vs hard work, and again for some reason got pulled back into the fixed mindset of questions and doubt of myself. Lol. Sometimes I just feel like I'm not worth anything.

I don't understand why my XW is so friendly towards me. Like if I pushed you far away, why are you still acting like I'm a good friend? If I video call my D, I don't want your face in the picture or you answering pretty much all the questions I ask. I also don't have to know every single detail of my D's life, she can tell me herself.

[25yearsmlc]

There was also no need to tell her I see myself being better off. I apologized her though because those comments hold no real value. Hopefully I don't end up regretting my actions later on

Morning,

You are going to be better off without her though aren't you? Your potentially moving to a new city to start university etc?

First, There's a package to being better off without "her" called "without my kids and an intact family".

Second, why tell HER that? To hurt her?


Or to confirm her decision to leave was right and what was best for all. "LC admits it! See? We are ALL happier now"

Plus, there are too many declarations. LC, you need not share No need to share this days' emotions as we change and evolve and discover in our grief, a lot.

And this is still extremely new. And it seems a little like oneupmanship. Or a contest and

finally, I am concerned for the kids. If both parents are "so much happier" now, despite the turmoil it gives the kids - I don't know what message that is.

I can't speak for others. I just know I will not lie to OR wallow around people about this.

"Yes it's sad when a marriage ends, and it's been hard, with lots of changes. But I'm learning a lot and feeling better. No worries, I'll be fine!"



You have been pretty adamant that you have washed your hands and moving on i.e. neurotransmitters etc..

Nothing to regret really if you just concentrate on you.

Stay there..

How are you explaining the move to your kids? How long are you going to be gone and how often will you see them?

Are you at all concerned you might be looking for a geographic change?

[Btrow]

I don't understand why my XW is so friendly towards me. Like if I pushed you far away, why are you still acting like I'm a good friend?

I have a female co-worker that was a genuine walkaway (not WW, but it probably doesn't matter in this regard)

I went to her for advice back when I was getting D, on how to deal with XW, and also to understand WTF happened to my life. She told me "she is going to be nice to you. Simply because you are her childrens parent. And because she needs you to be her babysitter, and the parents need to get along for the childrens sake, etc. It doesn't matter how you behave towards her. She will always come back nice next time. (Just dont question her parenting skills, that will awaken a tiger..) ".

That is so spot-on my XW.

Whether that is why yours is nice to you, I obviously don't know.. But I sense a pattern here.

I also like to think that the increasing number of smileys I get in the messages from XW mean more than they do, but it is probably just "niceness"

[AnotherStander]

I'm embarrassed to admit but I think it is true what AS really said in Maika's thread. I haven't dropped the rope but I still feel I couldn't take her back now.

Owning your feelings is never something to be embarrassed about! Be true to yourself, it's the fastest way to recovery. Denial is just delaying the inevitable emotional crash.

However now that I only have a future without her thanks to my actions, it is better for me to start entirely focusing on myself and stop visiting this forum. It feels like reading the sitches here is actually harming my process because I end up thinking back all the time and spinning around.

I think a lot of us feel/ felt that way at times. Just take a break. Come back when you're ready, it may be a few hours or a day or a week but eventually you'll feel the need again.

finally, I am concerned for the kids. If both parents are "so much happier" now, despite the turmoil it gives the kids - I don't know what message that is.

Absolutely. It just aggravates me that so many WAS's say something along the lines of "the kids will be happier too", I mean who could possibly think that breaking up kids' parents would have a POSITIVE effect on them. The BEST you can hope for is to minimize the trauma to them, and if your kids are hurting then you as a parent should be hurting too. I mean DB'ing does call for a certain amount of "active as if" but I think the intent there is to avoid moping around looking pathetic all the time, not so much standing on the rooftop talking about how happy you are to be getting D'd.

[lcause]

Btrow, I agree, it's probably that. I'd actually prefer if she was as cold as directly after BD.

First, There's a package to being better off without "her" called "without my kids and an intact family".

Second, why tell HER that? To hurt her?

Or to confirm her decision to leave was right and what was best for all. "LC admits it! See? We are ALL happier now"

I don't know. Maybe I wanted some closure? Maybe I was a tiny bit angry that she could just do what she did? I apologized. What's done is done.

She already thought leaving was the best thing! Otherwise she wouldn't have left and jumped directly into the arms of an OM, lol. There's nothing I can do now but to just continue my life and move on.

Plus, there are too many declarations. LC, you need not share No need to share this days' emotions as we change and evolve and discover in our grief, a lot.

I know, I'm quitting this forum in a few days.

About the move: If it's my passion, I'm going to do it. I'm still thinking very hard. I would see them a bit less than I do now. It's only ~80ish miles.

[lcause]

I think a lot of us feel/ felt that way at times. Just take a break. Come back when you're ready, it may be a few hours or a day or a week but eventually you'll feel the need again.

I came here to look advice for making my family intact again but that's not going to happen anymore so I don't think this board has that much of a value personally for me, except for maybe helping where I can and if I can.

Self-growth topics are not really all that interesting. I should put up another blog and write my journey there.

[Btrow]

Absolutely. It just aggravates me that so many WAS's say something along the lines of "the kids will be happier too", I mean who could possibly think that breaking up kids' parents would have a POSITIVE effect on them.

AS,

On the day of BD, I demanded that XW told the kids the very next day that mom and dad were divorcing (I have no idea why I asked her that, maybe I was in a state of shock, maybe I thought she was bluffing..). Anyway, she did...

And at some point during that day she said to D8 "we are also doing it for you"... WTF... I would understand if they lived in a broken, or unhappy or dysfunctional home. But my kids lived on a very happy home (so did their dad).

So yeah, the WAS' certainly have a different perspective of life.