New to the journey and thank you.

[Kylo]

I've had such little contact with the W this weekend. I had one chance to have a DB interaction and didn't succeed. I just can't handle her snippy attitude. The R is really starting to feel dead, and she feels like just another person. A morose powder keg of a person.

I've also come up with a good summary for W if people ask: "She's great! As long as you're not me."

[Maika]

I've also come up with a good summary for W if people ask: "She's great! As long as you're not me."

I know you're hurting Kylo, but don't say that. You're giving her way too much power over your emotions and state of being. Rather have a response that communicates you're indifferent about how she is.

[Holding]

Kylo, I think you did well at the wedding. I imagine it's a very difficult occasion to sit through while your own M seems on the way out. I'm an introvert too, so I can sympathize.

-Also she brought up a Borderline trait I missed: Object Constancy. Basically my current attitude toward my W is "THE" way I feel about her. She doesn't consider that I made a marriage commitment, or maybe I was an amazing H last week. all that matters is the current state of affairs, and that becomes how things "always" are. I used to say that she lives in a microcosm. whatever happened this week is what always happens. This also explains how she could feel I was using her for sex. My commitment to her didn't register. My track record of trying to save it for marriage didn't mean anything. It is flipping amazing that all this was there and I had no clue.

Reading this blew me away. My STBXW is just like this, and I never realized this was a sign of BPD. Thinking back, when we had M problems in the past, my STBXW always seemed to extend the timeframe in her mind. So if we fought last week, all of a sudden it would become "this past month". Man, this is a good realization, I just wish it hadn't come so late.

[Kylo]

I know. This whole connecting the BPD dots is fascinating and blowing my mind. There were so many clues and I knew nothing about it. On top of that I wasn't really interested in any of it. I wanted us to have our R and leave behind all that other BS.

I just remembered that she barely graduated HS for various reasons, I think mostly due to absences. Her home life was so troubled. The principal knew her very well and cried at her graduation because she didn't know if my W would make it.

Maika: I know. I'm not really going to say that. I just stumble through the standard bs anyway.

[Kylo]

So this morning we actually talked for a few minutes. Salient points are that she wants to get a mediator because she can't figure out the D paperwork and doesn't trust me to do it/help. We didn't come to any kind of agreement on this, so I imagine I will just leave this alone. I don't think she understands that we will still need to divide things up.

She said she needs someone to fight for her, and started tearing up. She said I would try to give her as little as possible.

I told her she really needs to get a job first, since so much hinges on that and how much it pays. Then everything else can fall into place. Plus she can build up a little war chest.

Overall I did a good job of validating and told her how she would be great at the job I found in her field. I realized that I actually have done this whole validation thing in the past whenever we discussed things calmly (a rare occurrence). It felt familiar, so I didn't have to really try. Once we started getting into heated arguments, however, I argued like a lawyer in cross-examination.

She agreed to changing the beneficiary on the life policy from her to a trust for the kids, so things still seem to be reasonable.

Nothing really got accomplished though. She will have to actually put some time aside and talk to me for this to get anywhere, and she doesn't want to do that.

[Kylo]

Back to Saturday. I text her that I have another appt. next Saturday. She asks me what these appointments are for. I text her "Botox" and "Penis enlargement". Then after a few minutes I text "Counseling". She texts back "Good for you!" Ha! Talk about a recipe for taking things the wrong way. She then texted a response to my jokes.

I wonder if her IC gives her this advice: After the BD she probably answers my texts and calls 40% of the time. Very DBish. I have to say it is supremely annoying. I only reach out to get or give info. Like today I was at the car dealer trying to get numbers together. The salesman asks which color I want. I think he wanted to sell the car right then. I text the W what color she wants. No response. Since I ran out of time, I didn't need it today, but I'm of a mind just to pick the color myself.

[Kylo]

She is filled with such venom and hate towards me, it just slips out, not really related to what we are talking about. She was scared of moving the propane tank on the grill and said she didn't know how to disconnect it. I just made a twisting motion with my hand, showing her that's all you have to do. I WAS messing with her a little, then she comes back with a snippy "I can't do everything." Huh? I know this is a little remark, but what is notable is how angry it made me, and it lasted for a few hours. My patience with her is nil.

[AnotherStander]

I told her she really needs to get a job first, since so much hinges on that and how much it pays. Then everything else can fall into place. Plus she can build up a little war chest.

Overall I did a good job of validating and told her how she would be great at the job I found in her field. I realized that I actually have done this whole validation thing in the past whenever we discussed things calmly (a rare occurrence). It felt familiar, so I didn't have to really try. Once we started getting into heated arguments, however, I argued like a lawyer in cross-examination.

^^^^ Not not NOT validation. That comment about how she would be great at the job you found her, wow. Very passive/aggressive. And then arguing with her, ugh. The whole point of validation is to reduce/ remove conflict. You're not getting it. Please go have a look at the validation sticky if you really do want to work on validation (I don't get the impression you do though).

[Kylo]

AS, I realize my writing needs more clarification. The validation was separate from the encouraging her about the job. A lot of "I understand" and "I can see how you feel that way".

The arguing I mentioned was a comment on our past. We didn't argue during this discussion. We really don't talk enough TO argue. Before BD we mostly argued strenuously, and emotions were high; but on the rare instance when we would discuss something calmly, I was very understanding of her point of view. Come to think of it, I can't remember a time when she said anything remotely close to "I can understand how you feel" I wonder if she ever could relate to how I feel.

[25yearsmlc]

all I see in your posts, so far, is stuff about your w's personality disorder or your concerns about HER MLC or HER defects.

You cannot control or fix her. Plus I don't know if you are simply a critical partner or lashing out at her, or if you just do not like her.

But what are you doing to work on in yourself? From what you say, you don't compliment her but you want compliments from her.

And you yourself admit you make biting remarks and your present goal seems to be not to do as much of that and to get her to start a conversation with you. But that seems risky to me, for her. Because what you call "kidding" you admit often angers her, and you used the word "sarcasm".

As an avocation I write & perform stand up comedy. I know something about it. Sarcasm conveys contempt. It better be damn witty to justify itself. Better to use it on oneself in a self deprecating way.

Teasing affectionately requires that genuine affection accompany it AND self deprecating humor follows. To be safe, best to stay with compliments that are authentic and No kidding and No jokes if they are about her or towards her

and from what I can see, maybe stay away from diagnosing HER and work on you.

This^^ is not a criticism, it's an observation with a suggestion. I understand the need to understand our partners and to assign blame or crazy or evil crazy to explain their choices.

Sometimes their choices, when we really reflect, are not so unjustified. It's good news in a way b/c that means You can do something about it. Work on you.