Rebuilding my life

[Maika]

Oh I am totally with you LC - my kids are paramount.

One thing I have made clear with W that there is never going to be a step-dad situation happening with the kids. I am their dad and whoever you're with is your partner. Not have any place in raising my kids. Maybe this is unrealistic, but no other dude is going to mould my child. I will simply not have it.

I doubt it happened right after BD. It must've been going on for a bit.

[EastTN]

One thing I have made clear with W that there is never going to be a step-dad situation happening with the kids. I am their dad and whoever you're with is your partner. Not have any place in raising my kids. Maybe this is unrealistic, but no other dude is going to mould my child. I will simply not have it.

It's entirely unrealistic. My STBXW has flat out told me the reason she blew up the divorce and is trying to turn my and D's life upside down is because she refuses to accept the idea that she could eventually have another mother figure in her life (while living with OM and playing house with D on the weekends).

The thing is that you can't control this, like I cant control what my STBXW does. It's going to happen. And any man around your ex is going to have a relationship with their children (good or bad) because they're going to be around your kids. And you may meet someone you care about enough to risk getting married again. And that person will have a relationship with your kids, too. It's impossible for that not to happen.

OM made cookies with D this weekend. I think it's way too soon for them to have this kind of thing going on, but I'm NOT going to try to screw with that! Because the ONLY person that's going to hurt is D.

Yes, it's important that boundaries are in play so that step-parent is JUST a step parent rather than a replacement. That the kids remember that both of their parents love them, and care about them, and support them. But step-parents are important too.

It might hurt. A lot. But that's life.

[AnotherStander]

I dunno, I keep trying to put myself in the OM situation and it just makes me feel gross - you're enabling someone to do some serious damage to another person.

EXACTLY! I would never date someone that is married, even if separated. There is just WAAAAAY too much baggage there, especially if kids are involved. I would never be able to shake the feeling that maybe I contributed to the breakup.

XW claimed they started discussing ~a week after BD. Somehow I just don't trust it because of the signs... She also said OMs break up was longer time ago - and corrected that "or it had been going on for a longer while".

The Spin Machine is running full time! WAW's are just as good at spinning OM into some Greek God as they are spinning the LBH to be demon spawn.

I just don't want my kids to attach to him as a step dad and then experience another break up.

Well it's a valid concern, but my experience in observing my brother's case as well as a few friends that have been in similar situations is the kids will NOT attach to someone that isn't heavily invested in them. Kids always harbor resentment towards OM and it takes a very special OM to overcome that and work his way into their hearts. Your W's OM supposedly did a 180 on wanting kids, but I doubt that means he wants to be dad to someone else's kids. If he says that he's probably just trying to placate your W. Anyway I wouldn't worry about it unless you see evidence of physical or emotional abuse. He's not going to replace you, that will never happen.

[AnotherStander]

The thing is that you can't control this, like I cant control what my STBXW does. It's going to happen. And any man around your ex is going to have a relationship with their children (good or bad) because they're going to be around your kids. And you may meet someone you care about enough to risk getting married again. And that person will have a relationship with your kids, too. It's impossible for that not to happen.

Unfortunately I must agree with EastTN. Assuming there's no abuse present, there is simply nothing an LBS can do to prevent the WAS from introducing an OM or OW into the kids' lives. One can only hope the WAS is responsible about it. We've all heard the stories of those who have numerous "aunts" or "uncles" spending the night, I would argue that is highly immoral but there is nothing illegal about it. All any of us can do is be the best parent possible to our kids. Luckily for me my kids were older, two were nearly off to college when it all went down. And my XW was actually very good about keeping OM away on the weeks she had the kids, even after D. But my heart goes out to those that have to deal with the hell of a wannabe replacement stepping in (or a revolving door of "friends") on top of everything else.

[lcause]

My XW actually said there's not going to be a step dad, that I'm always going to be the dad. Said this back in BD.

I kind of wish I wouldn't have been so clingy and pushed her more into the arms of OM. There was also no need to tell her I see myself being better off. I apologized her though because those comments hold no real value. Hopefully I don't end up regretting my actions later on

[Benito]

There was also no need to tell her I see myself being better off. I apologized her though because those comments hold no real value. Hopefully I don't end up regretting my actions later on

Morning,

You are going to be better off without her though aren't you? Your potentially moving to a new city to start university etc?

You have been pretty adamant that you have washed your hands and moving on i.e. neurotransmitters etc..

Nothing to regret really if you just concentrate on you.

Stay there..

[lcause]

Thanks Benni.

I mean mostly due to pushing her towards OM. Albeit, I still fantasize of hearing the words "I'm so sorry. I think I made a mistake, I wish I would have tried harder" later on regardless of my own feelings or even if she wouldn't even want to recon. Don't know why but for some reason at least currently those words would make me feel good. I guess most of the LBSs dream to hear those words regardless of where they are unless they have moved on completely. Heck, I'd still, on some level, want to hear an apology from my previous ex that she cheated on me with my back-then best friend. And that was over ten years ago

Also, just like WASs, the feelings I have are CURRENT. I think I wouldn't be able to offer anything in a relationship AT THE MOMENT. I don't know what the future holds and it's better for me to stay in this moment. I still don't particularly like my behavior and I should have just let it be. What's done is done.

[Rose888]

My XW actually said there's not going to be a step dad, that I'm always going to be the dad. Said this back in BD.

I kind of wish I wouldn't have been so clingy and pushed her more into the arms of OM. There was also no need to tell her I see myself being better off. I apologized her though because those comments hold no real value. Hopefully I don't end up regretting my actions later on

Your XW said she's never going to have a live-in romantic partner? And you believed her?

Or she said she refer to her partner as the kids' step-dad?

I think it's naive to think your wife will live alone with the kids until they are grown. And it's equally alive to think you can control how your kids will feel about the adults living in their home with them.

You could try to control the language they use, but it wouldn't be good for your relationship. And it wouldn't be good for your kids. (I've seen that play out.)

And it still wouldn't keep your kids from considering your wife's partner their step-dad or a second dad, if he is kind and invested in their lives.

Better to let go of this idea now.

[lcause]

Rose888, of course not. But that I'm always going to be the dad, and she's not going to keep her new partner as a "step-dad" for the kids. That's what she meant.

[Btrow]

Sorry LC, but it is gonna happen anyway. Any partner your XW will have in the future who lives on the same home as your kids, will have some sort of role in their lives. You can call him anything you want, but he will play with the kids, drive them to sports, cook for them, give them advice, etc etc. You get the drift.

What she probably meant was, "he will never replace their dad". And he most certainly won't