Rebuilding my life

[Benito]

Guess you will always be daddy!

[AnotherStander]

LC I agree with 25, it seems like you are bouncing around a bit, which is really quite normal for your where you are post-BD (about 4 months). I think you are "trying on" D to see what it feels like and tastes like. And that's OK, but just don't rush into any decisions right now. If you think D is what -you- want then give yourself a month and see if you still feel that way every day for that month. If you do then you're ready, if you don't then you need more time.

Again, this can be moved to surviving the divorce if that's a better place for this thread.

Patience! You'll get more activity on your thread in this forum so try and keep it here for now.

AS, I really think you should be a motivational speaker (if you want to be one). You are very good at making people feel better about themselves. You pulled me up so many times and I know you don't trust me I dropped the rope this quickly, but I can now see how much better my life will be. I don't think we were a good match and we married too young.

Thank you, that is very kind of you Sometimes I think I hit people a little too hard with 2x4's, it's easy to forget the person on the other end is in a world of hurt so that does make me feel better in that hopefully I'm not being TOO hard on people!

We discussed about the guy and his long-term gf a year ago and my XW said this guy stated he would never want to have kids... Odd. Oh well, now I know. At least he's a male nurse so he probably is decent with kids.

First, sorry you found out, it's never pleasant to put a face with an affair! Second, I really don't understand why a mother would have any interest in an OM that doesn't like kids but strangely enough that is also the sitch with my brother's ex. They D'd 7 or 8 years ago because of this OM and even though his ex is still with the guy, they've never gotten married because of his dislike for children (which does extend to their kids). One of the kids is grown and moved out now and the other will be soon, but even now 8 +/- years later OM still has nothing to do with the kids at all.

I still have a feeling that she will get hurt down the line. Doesn't sound like a particularly solid ground for a R.

I've said it before but very rarely does an R that starts out as an A make it long term. You can't start an R out with lies and deceit and sneaking around and expect it to last.

I want to ask, not from her, but someone. If she is so far from me and already happily in a new R, why am I still getting pictures of my kids almost every day? Is it some sort of a game to try to keep me emotionally attached or is she just being nice? I don't think it's really all that fair for OM either. I don't particularly appreciate it because it's rather annoying. I don't need to know what they are doing and I certainly don't need to see how S looks when he's falling asleep because I can see it live myself. Oh well. It'll probably end soon.

Hmmmm. Very hard to say. I used to send W pics of the kids on the weeks I had them, and eventually I realized I was doing it to try and "keep a foot in the door" with her (I stopped after realizing that). So she may be doing that. Or maybe she just likes sharing those moments with someone and she knows OM isn't interested. If you don't respond to them then I'm sure she'll quit sending them at some point.

[lcause]

Yes. Holy cow how royally I failed my DBing

Thanks for the comment too, Maika. I should stop being curious because it doesn't change anything.

[lcause]

AS divorce is going through. Even if I'd wake up in a month from now, I failed it already. They are now in an R and she said I pushed her too far away, to the point of no return ever. I said stuff I shouldn't have said, regardless of my intentions.

The guy now apparently wants kids... and just left a 11-year R/M. Quite odd to me. I just hope my kids don't have to attach to many OMs down the line. They require stability.

[25yearsmlc]

25yearsmlc,

It's not about me not getting the reaction I wanted. But things have gotten a lot worse, since she left. It's as if W just decided to take things to whole another level of craziness. Maybe is living with her lonely and bitter sister who gives advice based on what she see's on VH1 reality shows.

W won't respond to any text, unless it involves S13 and that is rare. All I want into discuss finances and other important things. And I get nothing.

she may not be able to handle it. That would be my guess and yeah, I know it stinks for you. There is nothing wrong or unhealthy in protecting yourself financially. Try to do it in a responsible way that does not look punitive.

Sonar this point, I have to meet with a lawyer and file before this woman ruins me and our son.

At first I thought you meant "sonar" and it's such a great term for navigating around
ocean mines. "Launch the depth finders! We don't want to sink." Dang, I think I'm going to use that one. I love analogies and metaphors.

ANYWAY I cannot see how consulting a L would hurt you at all. Seek out professional advice. Maybe you'll feel calmer with the information? If not, you'll know what your action plan is.

Please catch up on my thread to see what I have been dealing with. Your advice would be much appreciated.

I will

[25yearsmlc]

Yes Benni, although it should die on it's own eventually. I don't want to be mean. I'm not answering them or doing it myself. She doesn't want to ever recon so why is she still doing this? I'm just genuinely wondering what good does it do for her. I'm not going to forget my children She tells me she's sorry for bothering me when she asks something important yet it's ok to nearly daily send pictures of our kids with texts like "son almost sleeping smileyfacewithheartsaseyes". I don't think it's particularly fair for her new BF either. I would think it's a bit odd.

This^^ confuses me. Is she sending you photos of your own kids, or of her and OM?

If the pics are just your own kids, does it bother you b/c you end up missing them more and that hurts? I can understand that.

I don't understand your interpretation of her behavior (or even trying to at this point. Mind reading is just not productive).

If it matters, I'm pretty sure She's not doing it to hurt you.

[lcause]

My kids, not her and OM lol. That's partly it indeed. It feels like she would think it would ease my pain of not seeing them , instead of actually just making me think them of course. I know it doesn't matter anymore. I was just curious.

[Holding]

LC, try to enjoy the pics for the sake of your kids. I know it can be hard to do though. There's no need to respond when she sends you the pics.

If her sending the pics continues to be really hard for you, maybe you can just ask her to stop. Don't waste any energy asking yourself why she's doing it.

[Maika]

The guy now apparently wants kids... and just left a 11-year R/M.

Like AS said earlier, what a way to start a R. I mean this just can't last. How do you build trust when the foundation of the R is deceit and lies? I dunno, I keep trying to put myself in the OM situation and it just makes me feel gross - you're enabling someone to do some serious damage to another person. Maybe I am too ol' school considering how pervasive this behaviour is.

[lcause]

XW claimed they started discussing ~a week after BD. Somehow I just don't trust it because of the signs... She also said OMs break up was longer time ago - and corrected that "or it had been going on for a longer while".

What I worry is that when my XW said "I never thought anyone would want me again", her breaking up and directly jumping to the OM and OM not wanting kids prior plus him breaking up... I just don't want my kids to attach to him as a step dad and then experience another break up. Of course it can work, I'm not saying that - but for me it just doesn't sound like a solid foundation for a relationship especially when kids are involved.

I'm speculating again but you have to understand that I really worry about my kids.