I think there is a strong tendency for the LBS to get this over with at some point. It's not being in limbo because you are doing things to get your own life on track, but there is still a niggling feeling behind your back with all of this.
I feel like there is just so much focus on strategy that it can get exhausting. I've gone through mind loops trying to just figure out what the hell is going on. And I just want it to stop at some point. I am not in limbo - I have plans and I am doing great stuff for me, but the waiting is unbearable. I'd rather have the band-aid ripped off and it's done with.
I am trying to figure out what are some of the most important things that I need out of a relationship with someone. I don't know where to start but I think over the next few months I will have a clear idea.
I can't get a D for another ten months any way, so I have to just wait it out and see what happens.
True. Staying in limbo [censored] but if you aren't attached, you aren't technically in limbo. So M itself doesn't really change the situation (nor D really...). I really agree with the strategy. I do feel like if you actively monitor the situation and try to change your behavior to reflect your S's, you'll end up going crazy really easily. It's really hard, you have to be really strong and detaching is nearly impossible this way.
Start by figuring out your real priority wants, your LL and how do you want to live your life. Outline things that are important for YOU specifically, what you want and what you wouldn't want to compromise on. Reflect back on your marriage, was there something you didn't like personally? Part of GALing is also to find yourself by pushing yourself out of the comfort zone. Finding new things you didn't know you liked! You should be able to figure it out.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
My issue is that I DB'ing, but it seemed as if W was cake eating.
As my DB coach once said, "to an extent, all WAS's 'cake eat' for awhile. By virtue of our being here trying to save the m, while they are not. There is an inherent inequality at the start, until the r changes." This is a generalization obviously and I don't know your situation to even know if she was unsure or cake eating or for how long, etc.)
So I called her out on the disrespect as instructed by the vets on this board. Please don't say the vets "instructed" you. I don't know any true DB veteran who would instruct anyone.
And now she is no longer living in the home. Not blaming the vets. But now I am trying to figure out where to go from here. Because at the moment, I am strongly considering filing the papers myself. Why? Why must you go anywhere this week?
Sounds as if You wanted a reaction from your w but didn't get the one you wanted. Which means you were pursuing or cornering or pressuring her to cave in somewhere.
And or maybe you wanted certainty where there was none, (which is a desire all LBSers relate to.)
But it's risky when it does not go your way, or when you don't learn patience.
DBing has a giant component of persistence even in the face of no guarantee, and brave personal growth even without the promise of a "payoff" - outside of your own improvement.
Sometimes the urge to "Do something" requires the opposite. And doing nothing IS doing something b/c it means to stay in the discomfort until you have the clarity you need to move forward.
Some people resist discomfort so much, that they end up throwing in the towel early and claim they changed.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
To be honest, looking back my short DBing, the biggest regret I have is to burn my bridges by being a clingy person and doing stuff too quickly this early (e.g. saying that I don't appreciate her anymore so we can't ever be a couple again or that our R depressed me - which is true but not because of her but because I just didn't know how to be a husband). on one hand, you say ^^^^^^
But then you say the words below...
So, neither of us ever wants to recon again.
and then this Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want us back together - but that's NOW. If she changes in the future to be something I always wanted, I can't be sure! This is what people really say on this board. NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT THE FUTURE AND WE ALL SHOULD STOP FOCUSING PRIMARILY ON IT! Lc, take it easy. You don't need to keep making declarations. Just learn to "be".
You spoke earlier of neuro-plastcity and that you are different b/c you don't like being social and your neurotransmitters don't get happier when you push your envelope.
That made me chuckle a little. By definition if we push our envelopes we are not going to be immediately rewarded. It is not comfortable. If it were comfortable it would already by in our wheelhouse.
Growth is not comfortable.
Of course I don't believe in it because she's not doing the work for it and actually is in an R now... but still. I could have left it on it's own weight and not let my emotions take control of myself. I wasn't strong enough. what if you just got out of your head for awhile? Do you know what I mean?
I now know I'm going to be fine though, but I still can't shake the feeling that I didn't do everything I could - if not for my XW, for my kids and the family. I'm not a bad man.
^^^ lots of mixed feelings and thoughts. Maybe you can learn to let go of the need to know exactly what you are going to do, and let yourself feel what you feel. Emotions are not fatal. And time will reveal more to you than the need to predict and foresee.
Are you still working out? How is that going? I recall getting a different kind of job mattered a lot to you.
How is that going?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
To be honest, looking back my short DBing, the biggest regret I have is to burn my bridges by being a clingy person and doing stuff too quickly this early (e.g. saying that I don't appreciate her anymore so we can't ever be a couple again or that our R depressed me - which is true but not because of her but because I just didn't know how to be a husband). on one hand, you say ^^^^^^
But then you say the words below...
So, neither of us ever wants to recon again.
Yes, that's how I currently feel indeed. And that's what she thinks. But I still think it was bad behavior from my part. It's like deliberately smashing doors close behind me instead of letting them go shut slow by themselves.
This obviously could change at some point in my life. But by burning the bridges I effectively closed the doors for good. I know you think I'm not over it, but truly it would require my XW to do work on her own part and I doubt she's going to do that - not if she's ready to jump into new R immediately.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
You spoke earlier of neuro-plastcity and that you are different b/c you don't like being social and your neurotransmitters don't get happier when you push your envelope.
That made me chuckle a little. By definition if we push our envelopes we are not going to be immediately rewarded. It is not comfortable. If it were comfortable it would already by in our wheelhouse.
Growth is not comfortable.
Well, yes. I am doing it all the time. I just can't go all in to it immediately. The progress needs to be baby steps like I mentioned in an earlier post in this thread
By definition? Depends how well your reward system works. You could totally get high by doing things like that. Maybe you were just too busy in your M that you couldn't do them? OR maybe the reward system just doesn't really work correctly. My point is, start small. Gradually work to rebuild the reward system. It doesn't matter if it's just small things done alone. I feel that pushing yourself directly way past your limits will most likely make yourself resent the activity even more.
Growth is comfortable when you learn to like it or you grow in ways that you really like or you see as progress achieving your passion. Growth doesn't all have to be pushing your envelope.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
what if you just got out of your head for awhile? Do you know what I mean?
Yes, I just wanted to clarify it if someone reads these posts later on. DBing is the best method for recon. Just listen to what people say. No reason to act on emotion.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
^^^ lots of mixed feelings and thoughts. Maybe you can learn to let go of the need to know exactly what you are going to do, and let yourself feel what you feel. Emotions are not fatal. And time will reveal more to you than the need to predict and foresee.
Are you still working out? How is that going? I recall getting a different kind of job mattered a lot to you.
How is that going?
Of course I have some mixed feelings mainly due to not trying hard enough (maybe to prove myself, I don't know) or at least see if I could have actually compromised on the things she wanted me to, I have mixed feelings overall from the entire course of the R. None of them are directly related of NOW wanting to be with my XW though. More of wanting to have the family together due to kids. I never wanted to be a quitter but it just happened. I just feel like ILYB. I guess most WASs feel this way too, at least on some level.
Yes, I do now live in the current moment as I said. That's a huge 180 for me. I've always been a guy living in the future. Everything has been "when I get... when I do... when we do..." etc.
I am leaning on moving to a different city to pursue a degree in business next year (the best university in my country). That's really something I have always wanted to do but I went to different path. Working out is going fantastic. I've effectively doubled my testosterone levels (free-T up too) by changing my diet and by working out a ton. I have good genes and it's easy for me to build muscle and get results.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
It's not about me not getting the reaction I wanted. But things have gotten a lot worse, since she left. It's as if W just decided to take things to whole another level of craziness. Maybe is living with her lonely and bitter sister who gives advice based on what she see's on VH1 reality shows.
W won't respond to any text, unless it involves S13 and that is rare. All I want into discuss finances and other important things. And I get nothing. Sonar this point, I have to meet with a lawyer and file before this woman ruins me and our son. I got people shaking their heads at me wondering how much I am going to endure until I do something to prevent W from ruining me. Please catch up on my thread to see what I have been dealing with. Your advice would be much appreciated.
I want to ask, not from her, but someone. If she is so far from me and already happily in a new R, why am I still getting pictures of my kids almost every day? Is it some sort of a game to try to keep me emotionally attached or is she just being nice? I don't think it's really all that fair for OM either. I don't particularly appreciate it because it's rather annoying. I don't need to know what they are doing and I certainly don't need to see how S looks when he's falling asleep because I can see it live myself. Oh well. It'll probably end soon.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Yeh that can be annoying, but there are so many reasons why she's doing that - she's feeling guilty, she thinks this is her being a good parent, she just wants to share, etc. Doesn't matter right? Just let her do it. If you don't reciprocate, maybe she'll get the message and stop doing it.
I want to ask, not from her, but someone. If she is so far from me and already happily in a new R, why am I still getting pictures of my kids almost every day? Is it some sort of a game to try to keep me emotionally attached or is she just being nice? I don't think it's really all that fair for OM either. I don't particularly appreciate it because it's rather annoying. I don't need to know what they are doing and I certainly don't need to see how S looks when he's falling asleep because I can see it live myself. Oh well. It'll probably end soon.
"I'm not a match with this woman and I now believe I've been depressed due to our R" and "Thank god I got rid of this women"
After your statements above I don't think there is any particular reason to wonder 'why?' anymore.
If you do not appreciate the communication it would be better at this stage (with no recon wanted/going to happen) to just advise her against sending anymore unless it is something actionable etc..
Yes Benni, although it should die on it's own eventually. I don't want to be mean. I'm not answering them or doing it myself. She doesn't want to ever recon so why is she still doing this? I'm just genuinely wondering what good does it do for her. I'm not going to forget my children She tells me she's sorry for bothering me when she asks something important yet it's ok to nearly daily send pictures of our kids with texts like "son almost sleeping smileyfacewithheartsaseyes". I don't think it's particularly fair for her new BF either. I would think it's a bit odd.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
She tells me she's sorry for bothering me when she asks something important yet it's ok to nearly daily send pictures of our kids with texts like "son almost sleeping smileyfacewithheartsaseyes". I don't think it's particularly fair for her new BF either. I would think it's a bit odd.