Rebuilding my life

[lcause]

I am curious to know if your W made moves for a serious recon, would you consider it?

No. I won't consider it. Today was the absolute final straw that even if things would go that way in the distant future, I wouldn't jump back.

I talked to my XW today. We had a mature conversation about the M. She said that she really believed things could change in the future and see could see us having a possibility of finding each other again, but some of my extremely clingy mishaps pushed her too far of believing into that again. So, she actually confirmed DBing is the best chance for a recon.

So, neither of us ever wants to recon again. She told me the same. Ironically I wanted to, but when I wanted to, I acted completely wrong. She said she is happy now. She told me she never thought anyone would want her again.

I see from your posts that you have straddled a great balance between emotionally and intellectually processing your sitch. I see more of the latter in your recent posts and I am guessing that is because you've come to some emotional equilibrium.

Honestly, I started watching reframing videos and I realized EVERYTHING in life has a silver lining. A divorce is either the end of your world or a stepping stone to something else, different. You create your future so it can be even better. You don't have to settle for less! Where a door closes, new ones open. It is rarely the case that LBS has been super happy in the marriage. There are negatives of course, I am not denying that. But I saw and understand it now that we want different things from life and we have always wanted. I think both of us wanted the other one to change. Of course a relationship is all compromises but everyone should have something they don't ever want to compromise on! That's why I believe divorces are ok in some cases because people do marry young and too quickly without realizing what they want from life.

I also have a very strong tendency to intellectualize everything - this allows me to safeguard my emotions so that I don't have to feel hurt and pain. It's a safety mechanism that I have honed due to life circumstances. I am slowly trying to bring a balance to this and not immediately intellectualizing everything.

I wonder if you have a similar tendency and that maybe there is still some hurt that you are intellectually willing it away.

Just curious and not trying to bring you down with all the amazing personal work you have done.

Maika, of course I am hurt. I spent 1/3rd of my life with this woman. I just don't let it define me or bog me down. I got fed up with feeling bad about it and started shifting my thoughts to brighter things. The truth is, the hurt will always be there. You will always remember the time you had. But the best thing? The hurt you now experience will make you much stronger for the future, sparks a huge personal growth and acts as a reminder of what you don't want to do next time.

[Maika]

Thanks for the responses L. Reading everyone's experiences has been a huge blessing and I am not sure where I am at. I feel like I am half a foot with where you are - moving on and finding my own life and happiness. It's not like I am giving up hope or anything for the MR, but I need to spend some time thinking about whether my W and I are actually good for each other. I haven't seen any serious effort on her part to address her own issues yet, and so I am kinda not so hot about her right now.

How's your D doing with all of this?

I am tired of my W and in-laws telling me that the kids are managing okay - they clearly are not and I feel like am I the only one seeing what's actually happening? It's surreal in a tragic sort of way.

[lcause]

Thanks for the responses L. Reading everyone's experiences has been a huge blessing and I am not sure where I am at. I feel like I am half a foot with where you are - moving on and finding my own life and happiness. It's not like I am giving up hope or anything for the MR, but I need to spend some time thinking about whether my W and I are actually good for each other. I haven't seen any serious effort on her part to address her own issues yet, and so I am kinda not so hot about her right now.

It really came to me as a flip of a switch. After I read the post about losing control, I could FEEL it inside me how I have been lately only attached to this woman due to the future. She studies in a field that pays really well so we could have had a nice future. I realized that I have the potential to make money too and who knows, maybe I find a woman from the same field who is already at work? I also understand that money doesn't make happiness and it's not going to be the factor I look in my next partner... except that I still value education very highly and I look for it. I look now much more in the present moment instead of being future-oriented, and I trust that everyone of us has the potential to be anything we want to, we just want to see it and pursue it.

Don't jump into conclusions from my particular sitch. It's probably quite different than yours. I wasn't happy in the last year or so. I'd suggest you to continue DBing and detaching. You'll find your peace eventually Let the time do it for you. Don't make any decisions either way unless you are completely sure.

How's your D doing with all of this?

I am tired of my W and in-laws telling me that the kids are managing okay - they clearly are not and I feel like am I the only one seeing what's actually happening? It's surreal in a tragic sort of way.

I feel the same way as you do. I haven't spoken with my in-laws but my XW still doesn't seem to wake up to the reality when it comes to kids. She said that kids will be happy and it doesn't affect them at all. Maybe it is still some sort of a limerance-affected fog. D is definitely not ok, after she's had fun with me and asks me to come to XWs place and I deny, her eyes tear up. That feels like someone would push a hook down my throat and rip my heart up.

So, your W will say this to make herself feel better and your in-laws are just supporting your W. Don't read into it, you are 99.9% correct. It has been studied a lot and children suffer the most from divorces.

[lcause]

Also, my XW stated that it's fortunate people can change, indicating that this guy now suddenly wants kids... He has been going through his own breakup from a 11-year R and they apparently started talking together a week after BD. That's also when my XW said a friend of hers is going through bad times so if I wonder why she's always on the phone, she's always discussing with the friend when she's awake.

I still have a feeling that she will get hurt down the line. Doesn't sound like a particularly solid ground for a R. But gladly that's not my issue then. I just hope my children are going to be safe and living in a loving environment. I will make sure my next woman will love my children like there's no tomorrow.

[lcause]

To be honest, looking back my short DBing, the biggest regret I have is to burn my bridges by being a clingy person and doing stuff too quickly this early (e.g. saying that I don't appreciate her anymore so we can't ever be a couple again or that our R depressed me - which is true but not because of her but because I just didn't know how to be a husband).

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want us back together - but that's NOW. If she changes in the future to be something I always wanted, I can't be sure! This is what people really say on this board. NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT THE FUTURE AND WE ALL SHOULD STOP FOCUSING PRIMARILY ON IT! Of course I don't believe in it because she's not doing the work for it and actually is in an R now... but still. I could have left it on it's own weight and not let my emotions take control of myself. I wasn't strong enough.

So, for the LBS's, there's again one case where DBing would actually have had a chance for potential recon in the future. Don't be clingy, don't act on emotion, 99% of the time what you want to say or do is the wrong thing. Just listen to the people no matter how counter-intuitive it is.

I now know I'm going to be fine though, but I still can't shake the feeling that I didn't do everything I could - if not for my XW, for my kids and the family. I'm not a bad man.

[Btrow]

I now know I'm going to be fine though, but I still can't shake the feeling that I didn't do everything I could - if not for my XW, for my kids and the family. I'm not a bad man.

I'm sure you did your best, LC. Noone can ask for more. Your (X)W on the other hand, maybe she could have tried a bit harder. It takes two to be married, right?

And those things you believe burnt the bridges, they probably haven't. People don't do well, while in pain. So don't worry about it. I'm sure she won't hold it against you should she ever reconsider.

Just keep working on yourself (which you seem to be doing just fine) and then your future will be great, no matter what.

[lcause]

I now know I'm going to be fine though, but I still can't shake the feeling that I didn't do everything I could - if not for my XW, for my kids and the family. I'm not a bad man.

I'm sure you did your best, LC. Noone can ask for more. Your (X)W on the other hand, maybe she could have tried a bit harder. It takes two to be married, right?

And those things you believe burnt the bridges, they probably haven't. People don't do well, while in pain. So don't worry about it. I'm sure she won't hold it against you should she ever reconsider.

Just keep working on yourself (which you seem to be doing just fine) and then your future will be great, no matter what.

Thanks for dropping by Btrow

One thing is really certain though, since I said that, I feel that a huge weight dropped from our shoulders. Things feel a lot less awkward now.

It indeed takes two to be married and I believe her pursuing another man is what pushed her further away, not my 3-4 bad moments during this entire period... But I'm not going to deny, I wasn't the best DBer, and I'm still growing a lot. Part of me things I wasn't strong enough BECAUSE she started to pursue another R this quickly while keeping my hope up. I've probably been so messed up that the timeframe for this is longer for me than for others - in the sense of getting the life rebuilt completely to the point where I'm attractive asf!

On a side-note: prior BD I couldn't stay in a handstand at all. Now, assisted still, I can stay over a minute and do handstand pushups. Whoo!

[Tread]

Icause,

My issue is that I DB'ing, but it seemed as if W was cake eating. So I called her out on the disrespect as instructed by the vets on this board. And now she is no longer living in the home. Not blaming the vets. But now I am trying to figure out where to go from here. Because at the moment, I am strongly considering filing the papers myself.

I know you mentioned don't act on emotion. And that 99% of what you say and do is wrong. So what is the correct course of action?

[lcause]

Don't file the papers unless you are sure about it. As said it can't be done as an act. Unless being married somehow changes your life, is there something wrong to continue being married? You just have to ask yourself if you are truly trying to provoke a reaction/snap her out from the A/disrespect or if you truly want to move on with your life.

With WWs it is often said the love has to be tougher. So, you have to just get your balls back (I see you've done this already) and start living your life for yourself. Stop caring about her. Then she can't be cake-eating. The time frame sadly is most likely much longer than what you've gone through.

I said 99% of what you WANT to say and do is wrong and I meant when you are heavily still attached. Like pursuing for example comes so "intuitively" and the LBS WANTS to do it because it only feels natural to show the love.

I'm not a veteran so always take my messages with a grain of salt

[Maika]

I think there is a strong tendency for the LBS to get this over with at some point. It's not being in limbo because you are doing things to get your own life on track, but there is still a niggling feeling behind your back with all of this.

I feel like there is just so much focus on strategy that it can get exhausting. I've gone through mind loops trying to just figure out what the hell is going on. And I just want it to stop at some point. I am not in limbo - I have plans and I am doing great stuff for me, but the waiting is unbearable. I'd rather have the band-aid ripped off and it's done with.

I am trying to figure out what are some of the most important things that I need out of a relationship with someone. I don't know where to start but I think over the next few months I will have a clear idea.

I can't get a D for another ten months any way, so I have to just wait it out and see what happens.