Funny shift a few days ago. I just woke up and felt like myself again...can't explain it but it was nice. Pre-M me was independent, very rational, optimistic and quite tough-minded. My H brought out a softer side of me (which was there but usually hidden) and it was lovely too.
I have no doubts that my M was pretty good and that we really loved each other. Few doubts that my H had a breakdown and is in full MLC roll. I don't doubt that he was a great human being (with flaws like we all have) before this. I don't think this crisis was about me and I do think he has done some rotten things and is unrecognisable from who he was. I also think his life is a chaotic hot mess and I don't think he is happy or healthy from what I know. I love him and I wish we weren't here...
But the original me says that I'm tired of this ridiculous mess. I don't want to fight for my M anymore no matter how much I love him. If he is so f'd up that he can't remember how special we were, or how fab I am, then that is his sad loss. We're due to talk this weekend on the phone to try to get £ stuff sorted out (IF - ha ha - he sends some info over today as he's promised) and 'let's get this nonsense sorted' is going to be my attitude. Never thought I would want a D but, logically, it is the best thing for me now. To cut the ties and walk away from the endless chaos. My H has a MH problem, I've done my best, but I'm no longer prepared to take the damage.
Wedding anniversary next week. My H (even after we're d'd) will always be my beloved H in my heart. I won't remarry even if I have other men in my life. I'm going to the church where we renewed our vows to say goodbye and ask God to help my H heal and find himself again. Can't tell you how much I miss the person he was. Everyone who knew him does.
I'm also thinking that I might apply for the Absolute which I can from 18th Oct. Unlike my H who filed without notice when I told him I was having cancer surgery (seriously, I don't even have a word for the kind of man who would do that), I would email him to let him know just before I did it. It would be a big 180 for me! But feels like it's time to take some pride back, to choose for myself rather than wait for a bit of paper to arrive. Or not. Time to accept that my H is gone and may never be the man I loved again, and to step towards a new future. And let's face it, MLC-H is no prize at all, even as a human being let alone a partner! It has also made me realise that the relationship was always more important to me than being married.
My gut instinct is that D is necessary for him and, strangely, I think he will pop up again in my life next year...but I'm living on the assumption that I won't see him again if that makes sense? I know my H loved me in his bones and if he ever comes out of the fog, he will need to see me and talk to me. He will need closure of some sort. If he doesn't, I can live with that too.
So, I'm feeling fine and quite strong. Which is lovely after 2 years of hell.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Hi Treasur, I'm sorry that you've gone through all of that horrid mess yet I'm pleased for you that you have found your old self. I cannot begin to imagine how you feel, but I'm grateful that you have shared your story - it really helps to learn from the other side.
Me: 35 H: 41 M:15 T:19
BD (my infidelity 15-18 years ago): Oct 2015 Separation and D requested: 08/31/2017 (not my request)
What a great update! You sound fabulous and detached and not angry and bitter. That is just awesome.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thank you, NuHeart and Gordie. I'm sure there will be up and down days too, but I'm honestly amazed to get to this point. There were plenty of times when I thought the grief and MLC confusion would kill me. But, here I am - yay!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Yup, there you go...a gulp moment. H was supposed to email me a draft 'to do' list re house sale and his new proposal on financial stuff today. (Actually, a week ago but..hey ho, MLC right?) Bear in mind that he filed in Jan and then avoided the process completely until June...but really wants to 'move on' with the D...
He sent a word doc with 8 items on it..and no financial stuff. Email exchange as follows
Me: Thank you. Will you send over the financial stuff before we talk too?
H: I thought it would be easier to talk about that tomorrow. Make it more collaborative.
Me: Collaborative might be a stretch as I never wanted any of this, but see it more as dealing with a ridiculous crazy mess!I’d prefer it if you did as you said you would and sent over your thoughts this evening. That will give me time to think too. Doesn’t need to be a letter, bullet points are fine.
I’ll drop the non-financial stuff into a spreadsheet and add anything missing, and send it over to you by lunchtime tomorrow so we can work off the same list. Hope that will be helpful.
Good thing about where I am now is that I don't really care what he thinks because I'm no longer trying to save our M. So I can be as blunt or me-ish as I want, which is much more relaxing.
Bad thing is I still had one of those 'catch your breath' moments that we all get when your heart just gulps at the reality of it. I know some of you know what this feels like.
Good thing is that I know logically that disconnecting myself financially and practically from the hot mess of my STBXH is necessary.
Bad thing is that it needs courage and I'm so tired of being brave. It is really painful to know that I will be talking to MLC-H about disentangling 20 years of our life 2 days before our 14th wedding anniversary. Really bad thing is knowing that my original H would have found this as horrific as I do but my MLC-H doesn't care and probably doesn't even remember that it's our anniversary soon.
Good thing is that my head is in charge right now and I can do this because the logic is SO loud and clear.
To be honest, in the very unlikely event that he comes out of the fog ever/before he dashes into marrying OW, it's necessary to protect some resources to rebuild with because he is a whisker from bankruptcy! If not, it's a platform for me to build on alone. I'm not even sure how you ream through tens of thousands of pounds in a year and build up huge cc debt when you're living rent and bill free in two houses courtesy of an aunt and OW at weekends...drugs, OW, expensive psychiatrist, nice holidays, who knows?
I keep saying to myself that each action is one less thing to do again. But I'm a bit exasperated with myself that it still hurts and feels so shocking. I suppose that getting divorced from my beloved H is the price I pay for freedom from MLC-H who is a lying, unfaithful, irresponsible, destructive man-child. I just wish I didn't feel so sad about also losing hope in seeing my honest, loyal, loving H ever again too. I almost wish my quiet reflections had led me to believe that my H was truly a rotten person and we had a lousy M before this crisis...but he wasn't and it wasn't.
Know it's the best I can do. Know it's wise. Know that it's necessary. Just hate feeling sad and that I'm the only one who feels it.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Going out for a walk on the beach to keep reminding myself that this is not my H, that MLC is crazy and not about me, and the current face of my H is a really rotten kind of person and I deserve much better...
Any encouraging messages from any of you who have been divorced by your MLCer, especially a vanishing/silent one would be really helpful! It does feel a bit mad that I'm getting divorced by someone who has never even bothered to tell me why...
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Hugs to you. I know all the feelings you describe. Even the ones about H filing and then not following through with the actual paperwork! Ack.
I love that you express that you did love that man and that you did love that m. That it wasn't a big fantasy, but that it was in fact real and worth cherishing. It's just heartbreaking that it is now gone.
I know country music isn't big in the U.K. but listen to "Better Man" by Little Big Town. It's cathartic. The bravest thing you have ever done is run from this mess, as hard as it is to do that. You can say you tried your best.
Peace unto you.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Came back from my walk to find an email from my F***tard H, same one who said he would send some draft £ thoughts over, same one who said 'family issues' had stopped him doing so but he would definitely do today in advance of us talking tomorrow.
H: Ok. The reality is that my solicitor has advised me very strongly that anything in writing about financials should come from her and that I shouldn't put anything in writing.
What I can say is that with the news about the house the areas that I think we have left to discuss are pension and house proceeds.
The way I see it we will talk on the phone, hopefully come to an agreement and then have our respective solicitors draft it for agreement.
So, he even lied about doing that. What do we all say, I know, believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do. I took a deep breath....and completely lost patience. (This may be my own final FFS bit of Letting Go!) I replied:
Ok. I understand what you say. It is why I said clearly in an earlier email that we both undertook that any email exchanges were draft ideas and neither of us would use them in a legal situation. I had hoped to resolve the financial issues - pension and impact on my state pension, house equity, the household account, a rebalancing of money you have taken from our marital pot, the difference between my joint support in paying towards your grandmother’s care vs your lack of support for your mother-in-law’s care, my watch vs your request for your wedding ring, the liability of a diabetic cat and the recognition that you did extremely well as a young man from substantial assets I shared openly with you as well as the difference in our current financial circumstances.
Since this situation began, I have behaved with fairness and transparency even when you ignored every attempt I made to communicate practically. For months at a time. By comparison, you have stonewalled me, left me in practical, legal and emotional limbo, lied, been unfaithful, broken endless promises, ignored most deadlines, filed for divorce when I told you I was having cancer surgery, taken financial shared resources for your own use and thrown my watch in the Thames.
It seems to me that there is a clear difference between how trustworthy our behaviour to date has been.
If, as your message suggests, you are now saying that you do not trust ME at my word to exchange some ideas in advance of talking, then I find that offensive. Having ended our marriage by simply refusing to speak to me for months, this feels highly manipulative on your part. And I am way past giving you the benefit of the doubt because you have done some truly rotten things. This was not who you were but it is who you are choosing to be, for whatever reason. Every time I try to respond to inch us forward out of this mess, it seems to me that you are adopting your parents’ wonderful habit of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory by throwing up barriers. It is beyond exasperating and I genuinely do not know what to do with this madness anymore.
it is quite unreasonable that you should expect me to discuss such important issues on the hoof without time to prepare my thoughts, particularly when your solicitor has still only prised partial financial information from you on things like credit card statements and the Barclays shares you sold.
It would seem we are at an impasse. I will take some time to think what I need to do now.
Back to my legal/practical drawing board, I guess. I'll take a few days and some advice from my L to figure out what I need to do to get out of this mess while my STBXH continues to do everything he can to get in the way of his own divorce and drags us into spending thousands on Ls. Aaaargh...how did this become my life! Right now, it would be better for me if he just got run over by a bus.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
T. So sorry to hear fu*#wit husband is out in full force. You are being so good about working your way through this. I get the ups and downs. I always seem to get messed up after communication with mine. Like you, I don't get the fact they claim they want the divorce then disappear, and then stall and don't cooperate. WTF? Also don't get the lack of common courtesy to let us know when they "change their mind" and suddenly file for divorce, divorce Nisi, etc. Classic. Oye. Don't get me started.
Please don't file for Absolute as knee jerk reaction. You still have to settle financially regardless. Does part of you think if you do it may give him a jolt? I have thought about it that way. Or, would that protect you if he needs to file bankruptcy?
Just get through next week. Hope we are still meeting on Friday. We need a time. 12:30? Did you mean ticket office at main train station or tube station? Is there only one? Never been there. Are we still on? Are we 3 or do we have any others who want to join?
Me-54 H-49 T-1. M-7 BD 6/13 ILYBN I threw him out OW - 3/13 OW2 on and off Overlap w/Ow1and OW3 OW3 - 8/17 H filed 1/17
