New to the journey and thank you.

[Kylo]

One of my GAL activities is working on my fitness, and it is really going a long way to keeping my spirits up. I'm seeing muscles down my abs I've never seen before. The down side is they are in a place no one else will ever see them! But I like it.

What I wonder about is how the W is taking it. My guess is she notices it (she did point out a new visible muscle once); but her BPDish personality previously would tell me I care too much about my looks. That my weight loss was going too far. At one point she admitted that it made her feel bad that I was having success and she wasn't (which I believe to be the truth, and what was behind her comments).

So here I am with GAL clashing with a 180. It is a moot point since I'm going to keep doing what I am doing.

[JDub]

Kylo, reading through your thread for the first time...I can sympathize with observing traits of BPD. I'm pretty sure my W is somewhere on the spectrum, too. Her aunt (mom's sister) has schizophrenia and I think her mom, had she sought help, would have been diagnosed as clinically depressed. W has has been dealing with depression/panic attacks/extreme anxiety since I've known her.

Has your W shown these other kinds of attributes (depression, etc.)?

[Kylo]

Looking back, only my ignorance kept me from realizing there should be something there...

-W used to have panic attacks a lot early in the relationship. These pretty much stopped. Not sure about depression previously, but right before the bomb drop one day she seemed half-dead and mentioned that she didn't care. That she had a hard time caring about anything.

-Her mom is a narcissist and probably more. She is so self-centered it is comical. Just a poor mother.

-Her dad moved away. He took her brother with him for a period of time.

-Her brother was committed to an institution at one point. Don't know what to name it, but may be bi-polar. He is constantly moving to start over. Violent.

-Grandparent committed suicide. Don't know the issues there. I also think there's a weird aunt in there. I never paid much attention to her family history or structure.

-Her step family welcomed her with open arms, then took off in the middle of the night with no warning. Her mom was an alcoholic at this time.

-Some guy expose himself to her as a kid. Also she was cryptic, but possibly molested?

-As a girl didn't talk in school for a long time. She would sit alone in her closet. When she was older, she would always go to her friends' houses to escape the yelling and screaming fights of her mom and step-dad.

-She has an unexplainable fear of balloons. If they pop she can't handle it.

-She switched majors and colleges many times, never finishing. Dropped a class this summer after 2 weeks. Wanted to work, then stay home, then have kids, now work again.

-Always has a "next thing" to want. BPDish trait.

-Can't stand guilt. BPDish trait.

-Can't admit she is wrong or sorry. BPDish trait.

-Emotions = facts. BPDish trait.

-She would get mad at me for things I did in her dreams. BPDish trait.

-She has had a chronic illness for many years now, only at the beginning of MLC has she found a way to control it through walking an hour and 30 min. a day. -Not sure but chronic illness is said to be a BPDish trait.

-Walls were down, then were up, which follows the idealization to devaluing of the other person (me). I used to be the TP (total package) to her. I was such a good person (to her)! Then I wasn't so good. Then no compliments whatsoever. then I didn't like her anymore.

-Impulsive and reckless immediately before we started dating.

I feel like there's much more, I just can't think of all of it. I don't expect this idea to get much traction since she wouldn't be clinically diagnosed. She isn't an extreme case, and she doesn't rage outward, but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

[TBSakaJ9]

Your W and mine sound very similar!

Looking back, only my ignorance kept me from realizing there should be something there...

Same with me.

-Her mom is a narcissist and probably more. She is so self-centered it is comical. Just a poor mother.

Same with my W...she removed her from her life a little over a year ago.

-Her dad moved away. He took her brother with him for a period of time.

W's dad has no relationship with my W's brother and barely has a relationship with her. She essentially takes what she can get.

-Some guy expose himself to her as a kid. Also she was cryptic, but possibly molested?

W says her stepdad tried watching her change as a teenager from the closet and thinks he tried to finger her in a swimming pool.

-

Always has a "next thing" to want. BPDish trait.

Same w my W. Never happy always searching.

-Can't admit she is wrong or sorry. BPDish trait.

Oh never!!

-Walls were down, then were up, which follows the idealization to devaluing of the other person (me). I used to be the TP (total package) to her. I was such a good person (to her)! Then I wasn't so good. Then no compliments whatsoever. then I didn't like her anymore.

My W told me I was her rock last year and she could never imagine her life without me or the kids.

[Kylo]

So I realized last night after writing the list of BPD traits: If emotions=facts,

(1. in our R we would argue, I would make a good point and her response would be "but this is how I feel" as in that is all that should matter. 2. When she would be PMSing, she would say ridiculous things. After the PMS was over I would ask her about it expecting her to say "please disregard that". Instead she would say that everything she said was absolutely true)

Then when/if she comes out of this in a year or two, she will have had a year or two to feel that she doesn't love me anymore, we have nothing in common, I am the cause of all her pain, etc. etc... Past experience says she is going to own all of these feelings and I am up the creek. All of these feelings will have become facts.

[Kylo]

Holding mentioned being in the neighborhood of dropping the rope. I had to look up the definition. Maybe I am. My main motivation for this is for my boys and my religion. If an alien came and abducted her, I don't know how much I would really care.

[TBSakaJ9]

You have to let it go....nothing you can do. The longer you hold on the longer it will take you to detach. You are fighting for your MR and your boys by not fighting at all. Make sense?

Just take care of yourself, your boys and you will be just fine.

[Kylo]

On Friday the W went to happy hour at a recently divorced friend's house. W and her friends used to always rag on this woman for going out all the time and ditching her kids. This woman gets a divorce, quickly finds another man and buys a house with him that they are remodeling together. Now, according to my W, "She isn't so bad" Ha!

The event struck me as a great opportunity for the man of this house to have a guy there specifically to meet my W (W has gone to their house a few times now). It sent a charge into me. I didn't know how I would react to my W cheating. OTOH, I didn't worry about it too long, and the charge I felt didn't last long. I'm still not sure how I would react.

[Kylo]

On Saturday I met with my IC for the second time. A few takeaways:

-IC doesn't seem to have much hope for the R. She isn't familiar with the "fog" of MLC. She doesn't think these things happen overnight, (which they don't, but the ILYBNILWY does). I don't think she jibes with my values and might think I'm a little weird to try and stay. None of this was stated, but it was what I was reading out of the situation. It put a damper on my hope for the R, although I would have put my odds at 15% anyway.

-Also she brought up a Borderline trait I missed: Object Constancy. Basically my current attitude toward my W is "THE" way I feel about her. She doesn't consider that I made a marriage commitment, or maybe I was an amazing H last week. all that matters is the current state of affairs, and that becomes how things "always" are. I used to say that she lives in a microcosm. whatever happened this week is what always happens. This also explains how she could feel I was using her for sex. My commitment to her didn't register. My track record of trying to save it for marriage didn't mean anything. It is flipping amazing that all this was there and I had no clue.

-The further removed I get from our past R, the more I realize the parts that weren't normal or healthy, but in the moment it is hard to discern.

[Kylo]

I had a wedding to attend Saturday. I had asked W a month ago if she wanted to go (since we were both invited and I needed to RSVP). She said no. I had to attend, so I RSVP'd 1. About a week ago, W sends me a calendar invite to notify me of her going out with her friend this Saturday. I RSVP "no", because of the wedding. Previously when I RSVP "no" to these requests, she knows it means I can't do it.

Well I tell her I'll be leaving at 4 on Saturday and she gets uppity about her plans, I tell her I sent back the RSVP and she seems to believe me.

I go to the wedding, not sure how I will feel about it. Luckily, I think it is beautiful and blessed. I'm glad I wasn't bitter. I was a little bummed/nostalgic for all the young people in the wedding. I remember that time when you had all your friends around and they were available.

A guy I know was at the wedding and his W recently said she wanted a D, so I asked him all about his sitch. nothing to learn there, but the guy already has three women interested in him! Jeez, and I'll be diplomatic and just say I'm shocked.

So at the wedding, I think I'm doing pretty well for an introvert (until I can get some drinks in me) solo at a wedding where I'm not sure if I will know anyone. I help the guy staring down D with his sitch and as selfish as he is, he really appreciates it. I'm making people laugh left and right, getting compliments on my attire, but then, and this is embarrassing, I take a pic with my friends. In the pic, they look just like I think they look. I, however, look nothing like what I see in the mirror. I'm a few drinks in and I start wondering about my prospects if the D goes through. I decide to ghost even before the play Shout. I told everyone that is the only song I dance to, so people were looking forward to it like it would be a big moment. Ha! So a good night, but a bad ending.