Lost on how to save my marriage!

[joejoe1]

I have not really DB yet. I wanted to give it a full try before I say you have to go. I wanted to GAL really hard, do 180s and detach while she was in our home. Do you all think that could work or will that approach be fruitless. I saw TxHubby did all that first and then dropped the D papers. So his wife got to see his transformation before he took the big step. I would like her see a full transformation and confuse the hell out of her and then if things didn't change, I drop the D papers or we need space apart talk. I also think I should be really comfortable before jumping to that step but I would like advice on what you all think.

[doodler]

joe,

In the most simplistic terms, DB is about showing your spouse that you'll be just fine without them (GAL, focus on yourself etc.). Most of us are so riddled with fear of letting go that we cling to the spouse until we get so disgusted with the situation that we finally let go. In my opinion, the faster you can get to letting go, the higher the probability of reconciliation. Again, that's my opinion, it's not necessarily fact.

[Holding]

I'll share a little about my sitch that may be helpful. Right now, W is full steam ahead on the D. But about 2 months ago, before she filed, she said something along the lines of "If you asked me to make a decision now, I would decide to leave". I really regret not telling her to move out then and there.

The thing is, you'll never reach a "full try". You'll always think there's one more thing you can try or do differently.

[joejoe1]

Doodler,

Does letting go mean telling her to get out or doing the DBing techniques? Do I do the 180s, Detaching and GAL the hell out of myself first. I think the letting go as a concept is becoming easier. But I want to know what my next steps should be?

[joejoe1]

Holding,

What do you mean about a full try? Or I will never meet a full try?

[LH19]

Joe,

I will give you my opinion. I don't think you have what it takes to pull of a Txhubby. He is one of the very few who pulled this off in an in house separation. Everyone loves to grasp to his story but very few have the alpha mindset to pull if off.

Now in my opinion, your wife will cake-eat off you as long as she can. You have four very young children and if anything will wake her up it will be the dose of reality she gets taking care of 4 kids on her own.

What are your boundaries? Are you willing to live in an open marriage?

[Holding]

I wanted to give it a full try before I say you have to go.

This is what I'm referring to. How do you decide you've tried everything and it's time to ask her to leave? My point is, you'll probably always have doubts about whether you've tried everything.

[LiM]

Joe,

All the stuff you mention (GAL, 180's, etc) is for YOU. Its for YOUR benefit, not for hers. You do those things and make those changes because YOU want to be a better person for YOU. If you are doing them to win your W back, they will not work and she will see right through it.
While she is actively in an A (dont fool yourself by saying its not a PA), she will see NONE of what you are doing. She will appreciate NONE of it.
The A has to die and she must hit rock bottom before she can even begin to appreciate the NEW you.

Some things you CAN do to possibly start jolting her out of the fog include dropping the rope and to begin moving on with your life without her. Its seeing that she is losing you, a better you, that may begin to break her free from her fantasy world. Standing up for yourself with confidence and refusing to be a doormat is something that will shake her to her core. Seeing you be strong, confident and firm is attractive. That is what will make her head spin and make her wonder WTH she is doing.

In my case, I had only been DB'ing for 24-72 hours before I learned of my W's A. But I was unwilling to tolerate that behavior in my house so I told her she had to go.

[lalina]

Hi, just a quick reply from someone who successfully Busted in the past...I always understood that you want to keep them in the house as long as you can. That is what I did. It's easier to detach/do 180s, etc. if you are still in the house together.

[LiM]

Doodler,

Does letting go mean telling her to get out or doing the DBing techniques? Do I do the 180s, Detaching and GAL the hell out of myself first. I think the letting go as a concept is becoming easier. But I want to know what my next steps should be?

Letting Go means emotionally divorcing her. You don't have to actually divorce her right now but the sooner your realize that you are no longer married and come to terms with that, the sooner you will feel better about yourself and the sooner she may realize what she has lost.
The fact is that your W is gone. You no longer have a M unless of course you are fine with sharing your W with OM. I presume that you are not otherwise you would not be here.

As much as it [censored] to come to grips with this, it is what you have to do. Begin picking up the pieces and moving on with your life. Do not settle for any life. Build a life for yourself that is better than before. DB, GAL and 180 the hell out of your life but do it for YOU.

As for if/when to kick your W out, that's up to you. At a bare minimum, I would kick her out of the MBR. That room is for people committed to the R. She should not be allowed in that room so long as the A is active.