Lost on how to save my marriage!

[TBSakaJ9]

I'll answer like this. When the thought of ending the marriage is more appealing to you then remaining in limbo then you've hit your limbo limit.

Thanks TX.....I think a lot of it has to do with the self-confidence of the LBS. Also, do you agree that at some point in time the LBS has to take some sort of action whether it be separation or D before the WW wakes up? I know it's a dice roll but it appears that just going along for the ride no matter what you do is a recipe for success. Especially if there are no signs from the WW wife that they are still engaged in making the R work.

[TxHubby]

Thanks TX.....I think a lot of it has to do with the self-confidence of the LBS. Also, do you agree that at some point in time the LBS has to take some sort of action whether it be separation or D before the WW wakes up? I know it's a dice roll but it appears that just going along for the ride no matter what you do is a recipe for success. Especially if there are no signs from the WW wife that they are still engaged in making the R work.

You're right about self-confidence. While I was playing the role of poor cheated on husband sitting around lamenting my situation and just hoping my cheating wife would magically snap out of it, apologize, and go back to her old loving self...my self-confidence was at a lifetime low. No way I would have filed back then. I was content to grovel for any scrap of kindness she'd throw my way. I'm so disgusted when I think back on that version of me. Hell, I would have cheated on me too (no, not really).

That's one reason I'll always harp on you to become the best version of you that you can possibly be. Realize your potential and go for it. It's not easy and you can stumble along the way but ALWAYS move forward. Refuse to pity yourself. Go skydiving, hiking, scuba diving, whatever. Do some really great stuff with your life. Don't allow yourself to ever sit around moping and lamenting your WW.

I definitely agree you have to take some kind of action to improve your situation. That's what the DB program is. You taking action to get healthy, strong, and stand up for yourself.

Have you ever broken up with a former girlfriend? I think most of us have. If that girl got really clingy, cried all the time, kept telling you you're making a mistake and that you two were great, tried to remind you of the good times, etc. was she attractive to you? No, in fact she was even less attractive than before. She looked pathetic. Well? That's what you look like to a WAS/WS when keep trying to get them to wise up and come back to you.

Now, on the flip side, did you ever break up with someone and then got over you way too quick, moved on, was very happy, looked great, and had a great life going without you? Well, that's the one you regretted letting go of. that's the one you wanted back.

Same thing here. Don't allow yourself to do any of the unattractive behaviors and instead focus on ALWAYS doing the attractive behaviors. Be strong, confident, and always better than cheaters.

[TBSakaJ9]

Thanks TX.....I have not been clingy in some time (no calls, texts,etc about R or D), I look good, have a good job, great with the kiddos etc. Just feeling like all of that is not going to wake her up so the thought of filing myself is crossing my mind (and I understand it is not a trick to get them back). Just trying to balance that out with being patient about the DB process and letting your consistent actions show over time. Trying to strike that balance.

[Treasur]

Seems really early in the process after 14 years of M, Joseph. What do you think filing would give you that you don't have now?

The D process adds more conflict, if anything, and makes detachment/low contact more difficult in some ways from my experience

[TBSakaJ9]

T.....getting out of limbo. Knowing that if I just sit around and wait for her to change her mind it's probably not going to happen. By sitting around I mean thinking that she will snap out of it just based on GAL, 180, etc. It seems most of the people who have had success was because they took some sort of decisive action whether it be separation or D, maybe it was exposing the A but they took some sort of action. I read in a really old post that rarely does the little-bo-peep method work.

Now in some sitch's you can truly see the WW/WH is not 100% out the door but for others the situation is not as positive. So for me if GAL, 180, etc. doesn't work then what actions are left. The only thing I have left is to file for D and see if that wakes her up (obviously not as a trick but only when I am willing to accept the consequences).

[joejoe1]

So,

Question?

I just got off the phone with a marriage coach. He isn't a DB coach. I paid for another coach before I came here. He told me to take control of the situation and tell my wife she needs to move out. I don't know how to feel about that yet. I still haven't given DB, 180s and detaching a chance. Should I jump straight to telling her I'm moving on with my life you need to move out and let me find my happiness or be a little more patient with DB? Suggestions.

[LH19]

If she is having a PA then absolutely you should tell her to move out!

[joejoe1]

LH19,

She isn't having a PA right now. It's a EA at the moment. She did have a PA with him, but hasn't since I found out. But should I DB first or go straight to the you need to go tactic?

[LH19]

If they are still in contact then yes IMO you should ask her to leave. Just out of curiosity how are you so sure a PA is not still going on?

[doodler]

But should I DB first or go straight to the you need to go tactic?

joe,

DB and kicking your wife out are not mutually exclusive; you can do both of them. (I'm a proponent of gently ushering the offending spouse out the door.)