3-years amazing persistence especially sharing the same house!
I really do suffer from the patience thing and am a Mr Fix-it type person, this episode in my life has highlighted that and maybe I did this a lot when we were together In fact I did most things just to please her (typical Mr Nice Guy) and keep the peace. I’m sorry to piggyback Joes thread but I have a few questions…
1. Do you have kids together? 2. Looking at the timeline here it would suggest almost a 4-year period between discovery and reconciliation, if you had not filed do you think she would still be reluctant to work on the MR? 3. Tx did you notice peaks in her/their focus on the A and then falls? 4. Was she more willing to work at the A sometimes and then taper the focus off it or was it just solely focused on her AP/LO? 5. Did you notice a dilution in their interactions as time went by? 6. Do you feel if you weren’t “pleasant around the house” and stonewalled her this would have escalated the RC or do you feel being approachable for her but with your boundaries this method aided you? I’m sorry for so many questions and appreciate if you don’t want to share too much of your experience but any insight for those that are going through this process is of more help than I can mention.
Apologies Joe again for crashing your thread.
Mark.
I'm so sorry, I missed this post. Let me answer.
1. Yes. 2 adult sons and a 15yo daughter.
2. I don't know. All I know is that I had enough of limbo and was done with the whole thing.
3. There were all kinds of peaks and generally erratic behavior. She was in a full on MLC and didn't even resemble the smart, strong, sensible, caring woman I had loved for 26 years.
4. She was fully in affair fog. Telling people she got married too young, had kids too young, never got to live, blah blah blah. Was going to live for herself and do what she wanted, blah blah blah. Flaunted in right in my face as I broke down almost daily and was a blubbering mess.
5. She lost her main AP because his wife kicked him out and he had to flee to another state to live with his mommy. A 40-something year old man having to move in with mommy. What a prize he was. She then started carrying on with people on KIK and Snapchat. I think she met a couple others for casual sex. By then I stopped caring and starting living my life for myself. That meant ceasing doing anything whatsoever for her and I had always done A LOT.
6. What aided me was really detaching from her but also waking up and becoming the best version of me that I could be. My life became really exciting and still is. I do a lot of stuff now. Fun stuff. It didn't hurt my cause that her friends on FB asked my status and wanted to date me if we split up. Make yourself the most attractive version of you that you can be and you'll always have options. Once you have options then a cheating spouse doesn't look so good to you anymore.
No problem with the questions. These things are hard. I only come back her to try as hard as I can to help other people avoid the long life-crushing limbo period I endured. If anyone thinks that sitting by idly and doing nothing will cause a WAS or WS to magically snap out of their fog and realize what a prize their spouse is and want to stay in the marriage, they're very wrong. Maybe that happens at most 1% of the time. You have to be very pro-active and still there are no guarantees but you raise your chances considerably. It's literally your best chance.
It's pretty mind blowing when a spouse cheats on you and then isn't even remorseful about it. Actually blames you for it and doesn't stop. I recognized what kind of beaten-down man I had become. The kind of man that gets approval from modern society for being so weak, effeminate, etc. but also, as I learned the hard way, the kind of man that gets cheated on. That won't ever happen again, I promise you. Not that it couldn't, but that I'd never tolerate it again even for 1 second. Life is too short and I have too much to offer a good partner to tolerate a bad partner. So do you.
See? This is an example of what the new guys need to hear from other men. It is much more receivable, IMHO, when one man says it to another man.........rather than a woman trying to tell him. Besides, men get it said with fewer words.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
TX/Sandi.......so if your confidence is up how long do you hang out in Limbo period? It seems like in every situation I have read the LBS either filed themselves or if not already separated the LBS threatened to kick them out and that did the trick? What are your thoughts and recommendations because I believe in both of your sitch's that is what each of you had to do or Sandi I think you mentioned that is what your husband told you. Could you both give your opinions? thanks!
TX/Sandi.......so if your confidence is up how long do you hang out in Limbo period? It seems like in every situation I have read the LBS either filed themselves or if not already separated the LBS threatened to kick them out and that did the trick? What are your thoughts and recommendations because I believe in both of your sitch's that is what each of you had to do or Sandi I think you mentioned that is what your husband told you. Could you both give your opinions? thanks!
Personally I shy away from the "how long to stay in limbo" question. I believe the answer is different for different people. I've thought about it a lot and I don't think there is a magic number of weeks or months, or ever years. I'll answer like this. When the thought of ending the marriage is more appealing to you then remaining in limbo then you've hit your limbo limit.
I'll offer my opinion on your question. Only YOU can decide how long you are willing to be in limbo. When I discovered my W's A, I took a week to decide what I wanted before confronting her. When I did confront her, it was calm and I told her she needed to gather her things and leave the house immediately. She did. I never told her she needed to stop the A. But I did tell her that so long as she chose to engage in an A, that she could not stay in our house. I actually didn't want her to leave. I wanted to see remorse and then we would start working on the mess that had been created. But that's not what I got.
In the end, it was me filing for D that caused the A to end. OM knew I filed and probably felt I would be telling his W in short order. So he manned up and confessed. That is what finally ended the A. But if you go that route, you need to truly be ready to end it all. It can't be a scare tactic.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Thanks LIM I thoroughly understand......I read an old post on how the little bo-peep method rarely ever works which fell in-line with what TX said. My W moved out and I think there is another man but I have no proof, I stopped snooping once she moved out. It is now an assumption. What was your time frame before you pulled the trigger?
You are right. I just get weak when the heat is on. I have to control myself. It will be a big 180 for me to turn her down. I wonder how she will feel after that. I know I shouldn't worry about that, just wondering.
Dont even let yourself get in that situation. I would NOT be willing to have sex with my W while she was in an active A. Doing that may make you feel better for a moment but to her, it means she still has you on the hook. She needs to truly feel that she has lost you. Dont go down this path.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Great advice. Now I have to be prepared for the moment. I have to stay strong. JOE STAY STRONG!!!!!! I have to do this, for the future of my sanity and hopefully my marriage and family. Here's to the future, DBing and 180s.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Thanks LIM I thoroughly understand......I read an old post on how the little bo-peep method rarely ever works which fell in-line with what TX said. My W moved out and I think there is another man but I have no proof, I stopped snooping once she moved out. It is now an assumption. What was your time frame before you pulled the trigger?
After my W moved out, I thought we were working on our M. After the first month, I knew something wasn't right but didn't know what it was. After 2 1/2 months, I found out that the A was still going on. It was at that point that I filed for D and served her at the end of the 3rd month. 3 days later, OM confessed to his W and the A ended. If I had not found out that the A was still going on, I have no clue where I'd be today.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Well, I am coming up on month #3. I have no proof of an affair but no longer snooping. Not sure if it matters or not since she has moved out but we are not working on our R. I know I will be fine, my confidence is great just trying to feel my through it. Since I don't know 100% of an A it makes it hard to determine how nice or not nice I should be and/or the level of patience to have.
