Lost on how to save my marriage!

[joejoe1]

Sandi2,

I would like all the advice I can get. I would like you all to take a look at my situation and give me your opinions. I have to do what works. So I have to take action on certain things then evaluate. I will take all the advice I can get. Cherry pick is cool with me.

[TxHubby]

TXHubby

You have a blueprint and I'm going to use it. Please keep the advice coming.

Okay, so are you saying this ^^^^^^ is the way you have decided to go, and TxHubby will be your mentor? Or.....are you planning to use a dab of this and a bit of that in addition to what he gives you.......better known here as cherry picking. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with TxHubby, but if he's the one you will be listening to.......maybe the rest of us need to know.

Definitely don't disregard others. Sandi gives a great perspective and very good advice. Everybody's plan needs to be tweaked based on these guidelines to fit their particular situation. All I'm saying is GAL, 180, and detach. It works.

[TxHubby]

TxHubby,

Dam, I was a soul less person towards women before I met my wife she help bring it back. Now I have to balance being heartless while still caring. She has never seen me in that capacity, but I what has to happen. I'm starting slow.

Today I did landscaping, cleaned the house, cut the grass, and ironed my boys school clothes. I took my middle son swimming and soon as I finished I went out with a friend.

I never wanted to be like this but, it's becoming hard not to when a person that cheated on you, is treating you like sh!t.

Thanks for the info. You hit the tracks hard after you got fed up. Lets see if I can follow in your footsteps.

It's pretty mind blowing when a spouse cheats on you and then isn't even remorseful about it. Actually blames you for it and doesn't stop. I recognized what kind of beaten-down man I had become. The kind of man that gets approval from modern society for being so weak, effeminate, etc. but also, as I learned the hard way, the kind of man that gets cheated on. That won't ever happen again, I promise you. Not that it couldn't, but that I'd never tolerate it again even for 1 second. Life is too short and I have too much to offer a good partner to tolerate a bad partner. So do you.

[joejoe1]

TxHubby,

It's funny, because I'm just really starting to understand how to 180. I thought it was more of doing the things she say I didn't do. But it's do the opposite of all the things you use to do.
I'm starting to detach now. I'm waiting to see how she reacts. I haven't gotten much of a reaction yet, but I just started. I don't know how it will take for me to see one, but I have my eyes open. The only thing I'm scared of, is being pulled in and temp tested and I give in. I'm confused on, if it comes to a point and she wants to have sex and I do to, do I? What are your thoughts on that situation.

I'm not going to disregard anyone's advice. I'm hear to learn and get tech's to apply to my own situation. I understand that each situation is unique.

Last night, I went out with a friend for burgers and beers, I had a nice time. All I told her was I was going out, I didn't tell her where I was going and with who.

She is still being cold towards me, but I'm still doing 180s, by cleaning the house and help to get the kids ready for school. I have been putting a coffee cup on the Kurig once I finish making my coffee. She dosen't seem to take notice to it, but I won't stop. It's a 180 for me.

[TxHubby]

You're doing fine. Be the best man you can possibly be but detach from her. Do your GAL, be a great father, plan a great future. If you're out of shape, get back in shape pronto. If your wardrobe is dated or just bad, then improve it. Be the man that any woman would love to be with. Confident, loyal, hard working, responsible, exciting, adventurous, etc.

Once I woke up and decided limbo sucked and I was going to make changes I actually did a really hard self-appraisal and listed out things I needed to change about myself. That then became my action plan. I got my career back on track and got promoted. Bought a motorcycle, bought a bicycle. Started going back to live music events like I used to do. Got in shape, updated my look/wardrobe. Tried to become the best version of me that I could be.

Stopped engaging her. Did a very hard/firm 180. Really detached. Was never rude, angry, bitter, etc. Those are very unattractive qualities. I only spoke to her when I had to and then it was always from a place of self-confidence, wisdom, and detachment.

Follow the 37 rules or as many as apply to your sitch. Really get serious about becoming the best version of yourself you can be and spend as little time around cheaters as you can. Your life will be full of positive things. There is nothing positive about a cheater's life. Their lives are based on lies, deceit, secrets, betrayal, etc. These are not things you want around your or occupying your head space.

If you do these things then you will set yourself up for a no-lose scenario. Either your WW will snap out of it and beg for a second chance or she won't but you'll be stronger, smarter, and ready to move forward with your great future. By the time my WW broke down, got rid of her foolish pride, and begged me for another chance, I had pretty much moved on in my heart. She just looked pathetic and unattractive at that point. I had really turned my life around. Why should I compromise my ethics to be with a cheater? I ended up staying and we still do marriage counseling but the worm has definitely turned. I'm confident and on top my game now. I'm the master of my own future.

I still love, honor, and cherish my wife every day but I also demand that I too be loved, honored, and cherished. Any betrayal of any kind whatsoever and I'm gone for good and know that I'll be just fine. It's that moment when they see that you're really going to be just fine without them is when they realize they've lost you and want you back. At least that's what happened to me and what I've see work for so many others. That works more than any other plan.

[joejoe1]

TxHubby,

I have lost 34 pounds since the start of these events. I haven't toned up yet, but I'm about to start. I'm going to clean out my closet today and get some new clothes. I do have to work on the R and M talk. I have made a conscious to not talk about it. I just read Sandi rules, and she said no sex or affection at all. Do you feel the same? I think she is going to try and test me with it. Time to put in work.

[LH19]

Joe,

If your wife is in a PA why would you want to have sex with her? Not to mention it may not be safe.

[joejoe1]

LH19,

Great point, I do get horny. But I was thinking about fulfilling my needs, I can see now that, that won't help my sit. So I will have to push her off and keep focus during those time frames. Also it will be a great 180, because I have never turned her down before.

[TxHubby]

TxHubby,

I have lost 34 pounds since the start of these events. I haven't toned up yet, but I'm about to start. I'm going to clean out my closet today and get some new clothes. I do have to work on the R and M talk. I have made a conscious to not talk about it. I just read Sandi rules, and she said no sex or affection at all. Do you feel the same? I think she is going to try and test me with it. Time to put in work.

I didn't touch my WW for quite a while. She was a cheater. For all I know she had some nasty STD. No thanks. Don't want any part of that. I couldn't believe that I had actually begged this woman to stay in our marriage. I still kick myself over those days. I was really pathetic. Why would you want to have sex with someone that is sleeping around?

[joejoe1]

TxHubby,

You are right. I just get weak when the heat is on. I have to control myself. It will be a big 180 for me to turn her down. I wonder how she will feel after that. I know I shouldn't worry about that, just wondering.