My W only see bad things in me. It is like if all of the sudden all good and positive traits evaporated from me.
The overwhelming majority of her comments, texts, and emails are literally and absolutely negative. Lately I am perceived by her not much less than a monster.
This is not uncommon. It's her way of convincing herself that pushing you away is the answer to all her problems. It's also her way of getting you onboard with her plans. She feels like if she's mean and treats you bad then you'll want D too. My XW was always the sweetest person I had ever known, but after BD she started treating me like crap and saying ugly things to me. A few weeks into it she finally told me that it was her way of trying to convince me that D was the answer, but she felt so guilty about it (because I was continuing to be nice to her) that she apologized and said she wouldn't do it anymore. And from that point on she never did again. So in some cases it's a conscious act.
Quote:
2) For who long is this going to last this negativity?
As I mentioned above, in my case it was a few weeks. But every sitch is different and I've heard of it lasting months or even years.
Quote:
3) What is the best way for me to respond to such negativity?
Live those rules! Also read the sticky thread on validating.
Quote:
Your insights about this malady and practical advice to temporarily cope with it are most welcome; particularly if base on your own experience with this issue. Thank you!
Well, in my case I did not engage her. When she treated me bad and said mean things I just tried to roll with it as best I could. By then I had learned about validation and was putting it into effect. The beauty of validation is you're not agreeing with her, you are simply acknowledging her feelings. "You sound frustrated, I can understand why you feel that way." There's no fuel there for her fire. Tensions are high after BD and any little thing can flare up into a fight. You've got to take the high road because she WANTS to fight, it reaffirms her belief that D is the right thing to do and that you are a bad person. If you validate it throws her off her game plan. Do it consistently over time and she will eventually start to realize that maybe SHE is the problem and not you.
Something that stands out for me... you say "The overwhelming majority of her comments, texts, and emails are literally and absolutely negative.".... Is there any validity to her comments? It seems to me that maybe she's telling you exactly what's wrong with your marriage, but you're blowing it off. In retrospect, that's one aspect of what happened in my marriage.
Validate her comments, listen without arguing, don't pursue.... reread Sandie2's rules.
Regarding the deployment... IMHO, don't do it, primarily because it would just put one more roadblock between you and reconciliation. Time and distance are your friends, but let's not get carried away.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
My suggestion is to re-read my first homework post. You need to DETACH and stop believing anything she says.
She is negative because that is the way her brain is wired right now. She sees everything through a negative lens right now because she is in a FOG.
Best to not worry about her and concentrate on YOU. You did not break her and can not FIX her. However you can FIX yourself. You can control your own actions and words.
Wow, I truly appreciate your input. All your comments are quite insightful.
A few days ago, after several day without contacting one another, an unexpected event occurred. W called me saying that she misses me and wants me. Then W proceed to inquired about me: are you talking with anybody, etc. I responded "no, but I am moving on with my life," and then evaded as much as I could evade. After about one hour, she was somehow bother, "you sound mechanic," "cold," etc. Then, I didn't give it much attention.
This morning I send her a text saying something like "I wake up thinking of you." A tinny "chasing" to see what happens. And... she didn't answer at all!! It seems that W's previous conversation was a trap.
Is this common? Did I missed an opportunity to get closer to her by keeping emotional distance during the conversation? What are we suppose to do? I need help with this one.
AnotherStander, thank you --and everybody else-- for taking the time to answer.
There are days when her negativity recedes, or goes away... until she gets bother for whatever, or if I don't give her more money than the usual, etc. Is like a tool she uses depending on the occasion.
W negativity, overall, is diminishing. My patience too (I might hold up for a couple more months, but will not for years...) As I mentioned on my previous comment, she gave indications of considering things, like if she now wants to come back home; although she didn't put it that way. What are the signs of true change of heart? What kind of conditions is usual to negotiate? Again, thank you.
Deployments are tough enough without have troubled MR to worry about. With everything going on, I would suggest not deploying because of the children. Things are going to be tough for them with your wife "finding herself."
Tread, your view makes a lot of sense. I suppose that I was considering walking away in order to give her "space" and to keep myself very busy to avoid thinking about the MR... but "forgetting" the extra challenges that a deployment will impose on the children while W is away. It still can happen, of course, but I better don't ask for it.
Validate her comments, listen without arguing, don't pursue.... reread Sandie2's rules.
Regarding the deployment... IMHO, don't do it, primarily because it would just put one more roadblock between you and reconciliation. Time and distance are your friends, but let's not get carried away.
I still have a lot to learn about validation, and a ton of other things
Regarding volunteering for the deployment, it seems to be the consensus that will not be a good idea. I am holding my horses on this one.
I will appreciate the input from those that have experience on this one... W is saying that she is willing to come back home, and go to therapy with me, but only for the children. She is not sure about many "things between us", but wants to see if therapy works.
Is this a good idea or is it better to wait until she is fully committed to rebuilding our relationship? And what are the particular clues that indicate that she is actually "committed"?
She wants to do co-parenting counselling, not 'marriage counselling'. My W told me the same thing. If you feel that you both need to figure out how to communicate better, then go for the co-parenting counselling. But, don't hold any expectations about the MR. That requires a commitment to work on the MR and seeing a MC specifically for that.
I told my W that if she thinks we need co-parenting counselling, I am happy to attend, but I don't think we need that to figure out how to raise the kids.
She is bad at following through on things, so if she really wants it, let's see if she figures it out.
About her moving back home - will it basically be an in-house separation? If so, I would highly recommend you don't do that. In my sitch, if W told me she wants to live together again, at any point in time and not just right now, I would need certain things to me be met from her - IC for herself, MC sessions before I would consider moving back in.
I don't think her moving back in without committing to doing the hard work is a serious sign of recon, but maybe some folks who have been here longer can tell otherwise.
