Squinting at the morning sun

[bttrfly]

wow. Cil. you are really a lot different than you were when you got here. I hope you take note of all your hard work. You're a shining example of thriving post D.

I hated being THAT girl in my early 20s with exbf. I hated being THAT girl when exh wanted me to sit gazing adoringly at him while he played guitar in our living room. Dang it - give me a mic and let me join in, is how I feel about it now - and I'm no longer too shy to say it, or belt it out in song!

In dating world I seem to be attracting men in the 65-75 age rage who think I'm the hot young chick who will nurse them in their dotage and hand them their viagra.

No. Thanks.

As far as pinning a type - I think you're getting there and will be able to manifest whatever you want when the time is right

I have faith in you my dear xoxoxo Mwah!

[ciluzen]

Mwah! back atcha Bttrfly! I got a lot of the over 65 year olds at first, too. Algorithms start kicking in after a bit, though. Set your age parameters and after a while of ignoring those outside of your range that are matched with you, they will cease to appear. I'm glad I got past that -that's how I got my first strange date.

[ciluzen]

I have a lot of reading and paper writing to do, but I wanted to update. Its been an interesting week (I think).

I had to "break up" with the musician guy, even though we technically were still at the getting to know each other level (one coffee meet up and two dinners). He was a very sweet, smart, talented, somewhat handsome man. Just not my guy. I tried to be very gentle, but quick. He still was crushed and even told me I was wrong. That satatement reinforced my decision even more, and made me remember that I told my own XH the same thing many times when he left me. It really doesn't help bring them back to your side by telling them that! I've had so little experience dating that this was a huge learning experience for me; something I feel most people experience or learn from in their teens and twenties.

I keep telling my friends that there are quite a few areas of my life where, due to lack of experience, I remain in an immature state. I feel like a child amongst adults. Dating has been a growth experience; breaking off a relationship (even a very small one) allowed me to have a little more insight into the difficulty of the decision from XH's perspective.

On Monday, XH came to my house with the truck to pick me up so we could visit the licensing office together to get our names off of each other's vehicles. He had to walk (limp) past the roofers to get in and commented on the new fence and paint colors on the outside. No compliments, still. It caused me to think...did he ever really directly compliment? I had to ask him his feelings on things usually, but his compliments were usually as he was describing my actions or decisions to others. Or if he was "wooing" me. Both of my daughters have brought this up in the past; that he rarely told them that they had done something well or was proud of them, but was very vocal when he didn't like something they did. Just an insight.

He and I also filled out the form to get me off of our joint credit card account (I discovered accidently that I was still on it and he was shocked/disappointed that he either forgot to take care of it or that it didn't get done correctly...who knows if he actually tried). We had a nice time catching up and ended up making a few copies of the truck key together and then going for a beer and appetizer. We talked for quite awhile...again, mostly me listening. He is very negative about aging. At one point, when talking about his accident, he mentioned his fear of being the "doddering old fool" (exact words he has used about his father, whom he also refers to as "senile") who tries to do things that he's too old to do. For cripes sake. He's 53! I asked him which thing was he most worried about; being doddering or a fool? He laughed and just told me both. I paid for our meal as a "thank you" for the truck.

As I was dropping him off at his apartment, he handed me one of the truck keys we made and said "put this on your key ring". When I told him I'd put it on a separate ring to return it, he said "no, I want you to keep it." So, I explained that we just did the lst of the paperwork tying us together and that with the truck, I would be able to get the last of the stuff out of the storage unit. There would be nothing tying us together; we would be done. He then said, "I don't want to be done. Keep the key on your ring." He then quickly got out and limped up to his apartment as I drove away. I feel sorry for him. He is frustrated with his wounded body, but sees it more as old age; and everything in his talk about his life is colored with a greyish-brown dirty film of depression. I have no idea how he speaks to others, but I can imagine he's his old chipper, charming self still, as far as they're concerned. How strange that is...and draining, if it is still true.

So, last night, I went out with a new guy, a journalist. Our similarities are interesting...even amusing, as are our differences. He has two daughters, about the same as my two in looks, personalities, and ages. Uncanny how similar. We had ties to certain areas and many of the same experiences. He was very curious and intelligent, but also very open and authentic in voicing his opinions, feelings, and history. He asked me about my relationship with XH, but explained he was asking because he remained close to his X and spoke to her often. His story, from the WAH side, matches my XH very closely. This may be an interesting foray into the mind-set of at least a WAH, possibly an MLCer. I am seeing him again this weekend. He's very direct. I'm intrigued.

[Coly23]

Wow, great update Cil!

I'm sorry it had to end with musician guy but I guess it's better to end it early as you haven't invested too much into the relationship. Journo guys sounds interesting but do you really want to date a guy who could be exhibiting traits of potentially being in mlc! Very complicated if you ask me especially as he is still close to his xw!

As for H. I thought you brushed over his comment about him not being done! When I read it I had to pick my jaw up off the floor! What does it mean!!! Please don't anytime say it means nothing, It must mean something! How dare he say those words and then limp off into the sunset, aarrgghhh!!!

[pinn]

Great update C! Talk about detachment... you own it. Looking forward to hearing about the date this weekend!

[roist]

Like Coly him not wanting to be done stood out for me. It'sgreat you didn't pursue that with him. Are you in a place where you could be receptive to another R with H? Just curious. Whether you are or not, let him expand on that on his own without you bringing it up.

I am not sure I could trust someone who has already left his family, though you are right that it could be interesting to have his perspective of things.

Best wishes

[Sotto]

Yes that stood out for me too Cil. So, he doesn't want the final link to be severed? But he did want a D? He doesn't sound very happy and he sounds somewhat confused about your relationship. What does all that mean?

Well, I guess he meant that in the moment he said it. Does he feel that way all the time, or most, or some, or just in that moment? I guess the choices for you are - do nothing and live your life. He's a grown up and if he wants to talk more about that, I guess he'll do so. Or you could ask him. I'm not recommending that - just musing really. But I'd ask the same question as Roist - might this be something you would be receptive to potentially?

Glad to read you are enjoying the dating. I would just relax and enjoy some male company for now. There's no particular need to move anything along other than at a pace that works for you.

Have a lovely weekend Cil xxx

[ciluzen]

Thanks everyone for stopping by. This is a slow moving, off-the-rails roller coaster, but definitely not a merry-go-round. That would just be too boring and routine, LOL! Adventure, ho!

Coly, I would never say XH's words mean nothing. I analyze the cr#p out of everything. Hello?! Ciluzen here! I just have learned that he throws things out there, then tries to cover them up later when he realizes what he's said or done...or maybe he forgets...or maybe he gets advice...I don't know. I AM NOT A MINDREADER. That was for my own benefit...I need to remind myself once in awhile that I haven't the foggiest what he's thinking or feeling. Heck, sometimes I actually realize that my own thoughts and feelings fluctuate multiple times an hour.

Sotto, I would actually entertain the thought of getting back with XH...but I'm not really the same person. A little closer to who I was when we met, but with a lot more confidence, better self esteem, and a renewed sense of what I want and how to get it. I will never be that dependent on another again. That break-up was almost the death of me (quite literally) because I had no one but my mom (1500 miles away) and my daughters (who are also his ...not right to vent to) when he left. I no longer blame him for making his decision and I'm ok even though I still see enough of the "him" that I miss. I could talk to him about anything or listen to his voice for hours. I still love looking at his face. But if he ever wanted to reconcile, he'd have to somehow find his strength to honestly do something toward that. I don't know if he wants that; he certainly isn't strong enough to try. I get the feeling he's sort of afraid of me, or unsure of himself or his actions when we're alone.

He is still lost, too. He is unsure and not very confident around me. I see him. He came with assistant D to pick up the truck last night. He had his chipper,charming face on...actually played with our dog (who I know he now misses). Assist. D and I proceeded to talk about an event we are attending today and I saw his face start to sink a little. He then announced he was leaving. I brought up giving the truck key back, as my stuff is now out of the storage unit, but he still insisted I keep the key. He told me I should have it in case our younger daughter lost hers, this time (even though he told me the other new spare would remain in the truck). I then brought up that I should give him the key to the storage unit, as I had nothing there anymore. He appeared hesitant and unsure as I held it out. I repeated, "I have nothing in there. No reason to have it taking up space on my ring." He lost his chipper smile for a second. He stopped long enough I could almost here that "no-man's land" wind blow.Then he took the key, smiled big and said, "have fun tomorrow, ladies!" as he walked out back to take the truck (funny; I didn't see the pronounced limp this time). Hunh. Just... hunh.

Actually, I'm surprised that I'm starting to see this amazing amount of non-confidence in men I've encountered; especially over 40. I always viewed men as strong unless they "appeared" obviously weak. I think it was more of a idea put into my head plus my own feelings of weakness. I'm not down on men. I see weak women, too. But I'm starting to sense strength AND weakness in others where I didn't notice it before. And in dating... I feel like I'm starting to see the embodiment of male midlife crisis staring me in the face everywhere I look.In their eyes, their words, their behavior and their demeanor. I feel like my glasses are on when it comes to seeing confidence. There are still quite a few that strike me as confident and together, but my eyes are open.

Roist and Coly, journalist guy is intriguing. Really. I'm going to pick his brain if we spend any length of time together. He seems very spontaneous, open and genuine...which is a red flag for me now that my trust-o-meter is broken.

Sorry Pinn...no date this weekend! A family emergency came up so he had to cancel Sunday's meet-up, but that caused him to invite me to go with him on his trip to a city five hours away with him. Odd. But he also proposed a bike ride for after our initial date, without having met him and also asked if maybe I could come over to barbecue for our second date. Too soon, but I told him I might after I got to know him better. I feel if he's in MLC he might be in a "YOLO" mode. Or...something darker? I do watch a lot of scary movies. And a lot of wildlife documentaries. They call that "culling from the herd". Yes, I'm very cautious. Public places for me for awhile!

I now over-analyze everything that is said and am probably annoyingly cautious. I've also learned not to pursue (DB training) which may be seen as lack of interest by some. Maybe it is? I'm really enjoying my me time. I might not have a lot to give others for awhile. If I am in a relationship, as I learned from musician guy, and not able to give...that's just really selfish. Maybe I have no business in that kind of relationship right now? I think I'm going to have to risk being very up-front, from now on. I am, after all, going for authenticity.

[bttrfly]

xoxoxo Cil {{{{{hugs}}}}}
Thanks for the visit on my little corner of the forum. I'm glad you gave musician guy the heave ho. And - you got some interesting awarenesses as a result of being true to yourself.

This journalist guy is actually raising red flags for me. That's an awful lot of inclusion after one date, isn't it?

Keep being authentic.

As for exh - he's so clearly not happy with his life choices and you are so clearly moving on - I don't think he likes it or really knows what to make of it.

File it away and keep doing what you're doing

much love, xoxoxo

[ciluzen]

Checking in...its becoming just a weekly routine, at this point. A Way to remember the course of this journey. I'm glad for the input and support along the way, but its really becoming just a science experiment, at this point. Which is funny, really.

I'm supposed to do a thesis or defense of a research proposal in order to graduate. I'm at this moment trying to figure out a way to tie in all of my "whys". Why is gray divorce really growing? Why do spouses really run away at midlife? What is the tie-in between depression, midlife crisis, self-esteem, childhood trauma, and gray divorce. Why are there so many that don't go down that road? There are studies that show that there are developmental ebbs and flows during a long-term marriage and that even if one or both partners hit that midlife low, if they stay together...it will most likely pass. Anyway, I have questions.

So, XH stuff...just for the record. D26 is now D27. She wanted to "nosh"...our term for hitting several restaurants in a row and just having a drink and/or an appetizer and then moving on to another venue...for her birthday. It was originally going to be just "us girls", but then her husband's hunting trip fell through. Then XH had asked what was up, and said he'd go if I didn't mind. Then D25 bailed. So, it ended up as D26 and her husband and me and my X. We all had a great time hanging out in the touristy part of her town. Kind of funny; XH's alma mater football team played our local university up here, so there were a lot of people with sweatshirts and caps with his school's logo around. They had lost, so we were joking about that and giving him a hard time...he seemed to take it all right. But still...

There's this depression thing. He hurts...I get that. His leg wound is pretty big and there's a lot of healing to do. Has he had a follow up to see if everything is ok? To see if there was any tissue death? Of course not! He even took his own stitches out! So now he's worried because it doesn't seem right. He's even "considering" going to the doctor. But even worse, he keeps complaining of being old. I told him, "dude...your only 3 years older than me...and I'm not old. This is midlife." He said "we're old." D27 then laughed and said, "mom's definitely not, but you've almost got me convinced that YOU are."

I stayed back and walked with him when we walked around...I almost felt the need to put my arm around his back to help him as I do with my mom. He seems so unsure of himself and...QUIET!. He used to have a booming voice, always laughing. He was so good with older people because he had a naturally louder voice. So sure of himself. Now, not so much. He kept asking me my opinion on everything, as if he was unsure. I also found that he rarely speaks to D27, except to invite her up to his river house. He also mentioned that he talks to D25 about once a month or so. He seemed sad about that... Yet, when I was talking to D25 about it, she confirmed and also said he doesn't always answer her texts.

When I read about MLCers abandoning their families, I always think to myself, he's never really done that or that he seems to be gravitating toward them as he's left me. But I'm finding that it isn't the case. How sad. His daughters are smart, funny, beautiful girls.Of course they have their issues, as we all do. But how sad that he isn't enjoying the heck out of them right now. I sure do.