My story

[siknsad]

I thought that I would also (from time to time) give updates on the history of it as it comes to me (there is so much to cover that I didn’t want the initial post to be an encyclopedia.).

Some more background about W (from what I’ve been told) and situation
Abused as a child (V, P, and S)
Mother died at young age
Passed around from foster home to foster home
In very abusive relationship where W couldn’t leave (very P abusive). Although, she says that this OM made her #1. She ended up witnessing him take the life of a police officer before ending his own in front of her.
Has been M 2 times (+ me makes 3)
Had 1S out of 1M
2S in Second M
Has lived in 23 different residences from the age of 18 (I did a search a few years back)
Her 2nd M lasted 47 days or something like that. She still stays in contact with EXH2 and goes back there (she says to a spare bdrm but who knows)
W is very “Alpha Female” personality
W gives criticism and not complements
W stopped wearing WR in 11/16 stating “I don’t want it to get damaged at work, but then would ‘forget’ to put it back on”
I bought her silicone ones as a stocking stuffer (W stated that they don’t feel right in the rubber gloves at work so she refused to wear them)
Before we got M and were just in a R she ended it (OM) but still continued to ask for money and manipulate me (W could not hold down a job).
W said she hasn’t been happy in some time
W said she can see me being miserable
W said NO ONE can change
W said I am a good person / just not good for her
W said she will NEVER come back to home

(Yes to these last ones I know to ‘believe 0% of what is said and %50 of what is seen’ but it still stings.)
Throughout the marriage I was trying to show W financially responsibility by making W car payment and insurance her responsibility (W has a long list of times she has had her car repossessed for non-payment)
W said she resents me for not taking care of her bills (car payment, car insurance).
Throughout marriage I paid all house bills (incl. mortgage payment of estate as well as heir buyout payments…etc.) We agreed she would elec. and trash pickup.
When we got married (before we moved into MH) W made me get rid of all of my furniture and wanted to utilize hers. Furthermore, W insisted on being primary decorator for ground floor and upstairs (bedroom area) while what was left of my things were in basement (that was my area) Man cave?
W early on tried to cook meals and be W but could not maintain.
I have tried to get her into IC for quite some time and just managed to do that a few months ago (Sex disorder therapist that was also supposed to be our MC but M deteriorated before I could go)
W pays for health insurance for the two of us (until I am out of grad school) and is very bitter about it ($600/mo payment). Take into consideration she also has S24 S18 on it as well ($140/mo per child) and voiced her resentment towards me not paying for the insurance (I only make so much).
W has always been jealous of close R I have with my mom.
When my M got cancer I felt that she was making me choose

Anyway, that is all I can think of at the moment, but I am trying to give you guys and gals a little bit more information so that someone out there can give some advice…etc. I would appreciate it. I got the automated copy/paste replies to my thread and one other user giving me a little bit of advice (which I have taken into consideration and am employing, but anyone else want to chime in here?

Thanks

[AnotherStander]

Hello siknsad, welcome to the forums! I read your first post with my mouth hanging open, literally. Rarely if ever have I read a first post here and thought "man this guy needs to RUN from this woman." We're obviously here to try and help people save their marriages, but frankly after reading that I am at a complete loss as to why you would want to be married to this woman. She sounds like a disaster of epic proportions. There are a lot of red flags there that point to mental illness. On top of that your relationship with her has never been dependable, she cuts and runs frequently and seemingly for no reason at all. It does sound like you want to save the M, so can you please provide some insight as to why? It will help us understand better what your motivations are.

[siknsad]

AnotherStander,

Thanks for the reply. I really appreciate it. Many have told me that “I should have ran” so I completely understand. I don’t know if it is the person that I am “fixer/helper” or what. The best that I can do is give a weird analogy. There are times when all of the chaos has temporarily waned and everything is still that she lets this “little girl” of her come out that is hiding between all of this mental illness, abuse, and physical scars. The “little boy” in me fell in love with that “little girl” and I have been trying to give her a stable and secure life ever since. Yes, she does just up and run, and she treats me poorly, and I feel as if I have been abused (to some degree from my own ignorance of what a toxic relationship is and how to stop boundaries/detach). All of my friends, and even many of my family members at the wedding stated to one another, “I wonder how long this is going to last”, and they were right. There seems to be nothing that I can do that is enough for her and when I am apart from her I excel at GAL (college degrees, good jobs, inner peace…etc)… Then the whirlwind comes back and I juggle all of my life and her drama as well. Not all of the time is terrible, there are some really good times and we were like ‘besties’ and H and W sometimes, but then it would seem that the evil (for lack of a better word because of how it would change her demeanor, facial features, body language) would come back and I would be left sleeping in the basement or worse. All I wanted to do is be happy in my M and finally have a F (this is my first M and I waited so long because I wanted to make sure that I was financially and emotionally ready for a marriage –or so I thought. Now, it just seems as if it is more than I can handle and I must detach (easier said than done) for my own sanity and to back up and regroup. She makes that part pretty easy by just disappearing and NC and even if I were to try to C here she would not respond while she is on this “high horse” of hers. She blocked me from social media and blocked my text number and I was forced to get a 2nd cell phone number just to be able to communicate with her (Yes, this was in the early stage and I was panicking). So, I feel abandoned yet again and this time she actually has a job and is making her own $ (which is different from the past). W told me that she meant what said (vows) at the time but not anymore. It seems as there is nothing that comes out of W mouth that is positive in any way shape or form other than that I am a good person, just not a good husband for her, and that I have to go on and continue to do good things to help others (I am an educator). I don’t want to give up on my W. I know she is sick.. Trust me.. I KNOW… I just wanted to be able to stand beside her while she was getting help to let her know that I care and that I am not an abuser and she really does have a great family with me and my family. Now, she hates the house (she told me she’d never consider it her house).. She did this once before with the last house that I had (bought and paid for)… So, when my D passed she pushed me to get his (even though my D passed away in it and I found his corpse which kind of messed me up a little as far as turning that into our starter home) W’s kids always first, job always 2nd and I get scraps if I am lucky. I am GAL, I have been dark (NC), and I am detaching (trying to) and am going to church, IC, and doing tons of soul searching and reflection (and of course gym, school, helping family out..etc.) I hope that gives you a little bit of context for my motives of wanting to save my M.

[siknsad]

Furthermore, a very common complaint of hers is that I don't "know how to be a H". I have replied, " Umm, yeah I have never been one before so I am learning as I am going". I feel as if, right now, all I am is a storage unit for her stuff or a safety net... argh!

[siknsad]

Something trivial but....the more I think about my earlier post the more I think that a second number to communicate is silly. I will monitor it but not respond if texted on it. If W wants to communicate in future then it should be on primary number without expressing that to her. Thoughts?

[joejoe1]

Sklnsad,

You are not GALing for your wife. You are GALing for yourself. GAL is about you. Become the possible you, you can. Try your hardest not care about what wife would think when GALing. Your deserve better, you must believe that a 100% to GAL your best. Stop trying to contact your wife. You have to let go. For your sanity you have to let go. I read a great analogy on here earlier. Detaching is like a rubberband. The more you pull away the more the rubberband stretch and the other person starts to be pulled in your direction. Lose that second number.

IMHO you are looking a little pathetic and that's not attractive. Become attractive and confident. You are seeming needy. You wife will never respect if you continue to do those things. You deserve happiness we all do. Let's become happy together by supporting each and keep posting. This forum has been so therapeutic for me.

[joejoe1]

Siknsad,

Sorry I got your name wrong on the post before.

[siknsad]

joejoe1,

I firmly understand that I am GAL for myself...because at the end of the day that is who is in the mirror. I have not contacted my W and nor do I plan on it. I also agree that we all deserve happiness. I am making positive changes in my life for me. S and D is just a lot to digest and I am trying to heal the right way instead of counter-productively. Thank you for analogy as it makes sense. IC time for me this morning so that is a plus as well.

[siknsad]

I just got DR in the mail today and am reading it. Also, I went to C today to get the ball rolling on understanding myself and setting short term goals as well as keeping them. There is still NC with W so that hasn't changed. One day at a time....heck, one minute at a time. So far, the DR is interesting, but I have yet to read any hint of success with S but then again I am only on chapter 2 so I will be patient. Any other members want to chime in on my sitch please do.

[siknsad]

Quick journaling update:

I am on chapter 3 and feeling a little bit disheartened. All of this information is very helpful in other situations and gives me insight, but it feels as if my situation has not been addressed in the book (yet) and that I just GAL for self preservation and that is it. Maybe I'm just feeling a little bit down tonight