What you said was the plan, then my father who has been right about this whole A suggested that leaving it open for W would only set me up for failure. The same W who claimed that she punched on the fave several times for grabbing her arm. Which never happened. So I can't afford to have W lie on me to S13. The days of me saying that W wouldn't dobthat to me are long gone.
Tired of getting burned and having to scramble after the fact. Call it judge and jury if you want. But I call it covering my own a**. And if W doesn't like it, then shouldn't have put me in the position to have to make this decision. My intent was to forgive and never speak on this. W wants to continue the behavior and lie on me while doing it. Not about hurting her, but protecting my damn self.
It matters if she lies on me to sway him to her side. At this point, I trust my W with nothing. So yes it makes a difference. And he doesn't know about the details, just that she is currently involved in an A.
My first H (22 years) got in my kids ears and lied, lied, lied, about me. He is a very persuasive person, a true narcissist, but no one was fooled, EXCEPT MY KIDS.
But listen to me.
I ALWAYS took the high road. I loved them straight right through it all, sat them down one time and said I gave this marriage my best shot, and it just didn't work out, and never defended myself or trashed him again. People kept telling me, truth and love always wins.
IT IS TRUE. 17 years later my kids and I are closer than ever. The truth DOES come out. You don't have to say a word, and in the end, if you take the high road, your S13 will admire you for it. Karma, God, Higher Power, whatever it is that's out there for us all, takes care of things. You be the man you want your son to be one day. Have no regrets. Once words are spoken, they can't be taken back.
Please, please trust me on this. You said your S13 already knows she's cheating. That's enough. You don't need to defend yourself to him. If she lies to him about you, he will eventually figure it out.
Don't lay this burden on him. You don't have to lie to him, but you don't have to directly answer his questions to "protect" him against his mother. He will always love her, and you, no matter what. Make this as easy and painless on HIM as you can. And you have a lot of control over that.
Be the man you will be proud of, 5 years from now. It matters.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Leahsue gave you some really great advice from personal experience.
I can't reiterate how important it is to make sure your son doesn't need to feel like he needs to be on a side at all. It would be awful of your wife to do, but honestly, equally as awful if you stoop to her level.
A's and the reasons for divorce are not kid's problems, they are adult problems. My dad left my mom when I was 17. It was very involved, but in a nutshell, my mother was mentally ill and a recovering drug addict current gambling addict. My dad pretty much raised me because my mom isolated herself from us. My dad waited until he knew I was going off to college. My mother wanted nothing more than to have me to hate my dad because what he had done. Yes, I believe my father left to be with his current wife. My dad knew there was so much more involved I wouldn't understand, he refused to bad mouth my mother or tell me why until I was older. My mother resented me for not hating my father, but he was the person who was always there fo rme and I loved so much, I could not hate him. The point is, I didn't care who was wrong or right. I loved my parents. I didn't want guilt for loving my dad. I didn't want to be involved in their relationship, I just wanted their love.
My ex me for OW when my D10 was 6months old. When my D was about 4, she mentioned OW's name (who was wife at that time). I made a face. She asked me why. I said I just don't like her. Well, huge mistake, she spent the time at her dad's house saying to OW "I don't like you because my mommy doesn't like you!" It was a wake up call. My D should not have to live like that. Those are our problems, not hers. I am kind and cordial to both her father and OWW now and have been for a while. because I hate to see my D's discomfort.
You would be really surprised at how perceptive these kids are. My D10 is observing dynamics between my ex and his wife that were the damaging dynamics in my M. She said to me "whenever OWW tries to teach me something, she looks at daddy not me, because she is scared she is saying the wrong thing" This is the perception of a 10 year old!!!
My point being is take the high road. Your W may chose not to, but if you do, it will pay off in the long run. Kids KNOW the truth.
Put yourself in S13 shoes. He wants to be a teenager, no someone having to choose which side to be on. And as long as you can assure your boy that he doesn't have to chose one, your relationship will be strong.
So further in the adventures of W burning my a**. Grandmother passed away yesterday, so I figured I would GAL. Do something peaceful and uplifting. So go to an event with to check out some local poets and singers. Friend of my was hosting, so also wanted to show support.
I show and W happens to be there with some friends. And the guy I suspect as the new OM. Dude is the first to greet me and we talk a bit. W says that she volunteered to read some if her poetry. Been trying to trying to get W to do this for years. So naturally I validate and happy for her. So my W gets up there and reads two poems about OM on the cruise ship.
These poems are met with cheers and applause, because nobody had clue what it's really about the or who with. Beginning of the night ruined by that. Cane to relax and find peace. And my W of 15 years sh*t's on me the day grandmother died. Oh to add further to the nonsense. Apparently my SIL has no issue with my W having an A with her cousin. Says that it is none of her business.
This is who S13 is close with. And apparently she has been cool and helping W cover up for her cheating. So when I worry about S13 being swayed it's for good reason. Because he is surrounded by my trifiling in laws who I helped set up in this city. And if I don't cover myself with him, he will believe my W if she is cosigner by her sister.
OMG, Tread, I'm so sorry - for your loss and for having to sit through this - seriously sometimes I think God has a really warped sense of humour.
I guess unless W knew you were going to be there, the poems are just a public airing of the s**t in her head...not your circus. And same for what anyone else thinks or believes or does.
You and S13 are the priority now and you've had some good advice from others about protecting him. Let everyone else carry their own monkeys.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Tread - Im also sorry for your loss. Sometimes, the hits feel like they just keep coming.
Treasur - To be clear, he didnt HAVE to sit through anything. That was a choice. If it were me, Id have probably left and went to do something else.
In my opinion, you need space right now from W. Lots of it. You are taking everything she says or does extremely personally and it's only building your internal rage. I would recommend you find 1) ways to keep your anger from growing and 2) find healthy ways for release.
