I would say just be happy and confident at all times. It's your house and your the king of your castle. It is probably a little easier for me since my W and I are separated. Remember your W probably expects you to cry, mope around and be angry. When she does not see that it will make her say WTF! She might also question how much control she has over you.
When I know I am going to see my W I try to get in the right state of mind by listening to music that pumps me up, thinking about a new shirt I am wearing or a good workout that I had or some of the ladies that have hit on me.
I also learned that detachment is a process and not a light switch. I thought I was doing a good job of it until I got into the disagreement with my W this weekend. Her emotions impacted me which if I was detached they should not so I know I have work to do.
Yeah, my W told me how she has buying replacements for things she is going to take with her, and showed me the replacement dish soap she bought. I know this is coming, but it emotionally jolts me whenever she talks about D or moving out. This is a rare occurrence, and the comments are out of nowhere, which could add to the jolt. I haven't had an emotional jolt since I was in 7th grade an unexpectedly ran into my first girlfriend at the mall. I'm not a fan of this. Well, a friend of the family gave me a compliment on how I looked, and it practically knocked me over. I acted like a kid who can barely say thank you. This whole situation has effects on you that you don't know when they will pop up.
She said she didn't want me to say "That bish took the such and such" and I joked I'd be saying that anyway, so don't buy any replacements.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
After this I was looking at the credit card app, reviewing purchases and I see two out-to-eat purchases on the same day. I ask the W if this makes sense and she says she went to lunch, then later her friend (who is a loose cannon and has definitely influenced my wife for worse, who comes up with the idea to spend $300 on an in-town hotel, to buy cowboy boots for a country music concert that will never be worn again, etc.) has an hour to kill, so they go to get a drink. A bunch of teachers for the school where there, so they buy them a round of drinks. A wonderful sentiment if you have the money, really stupid if you don't. She started the story by saying it was funny, well maybe not if you're the guy paying for it...
So I go down the list and see $150 paid to the school. She tells me she made a donation to the schools fundraiser. This is double our normal contribution. She tells me as PTO president she has to give more. The other board members will see. Everyone else gives more. (this after yesterday my son comes home and tells me his friend gives $0) I tell her this isn't a smart move for someone in debt, and her way over the top volunteering can fill in for her monetary donation. She then comes back with "you donate to this children's charity, don't you care about the school?"
One trait I absolutely can not stand is worrying about money as it relates to social standing. She used to be with me on this, but now she can't handle being the poorest of her peers when we used to be the richest. My reaction was anger and just wanting her to GTFO. This trait makes me feel like I want to puke. I feel like this would have been a bigger blow-up, but we had been getting along.
Early in our marriage we completely cut off a couple we were friends with for this and how the other W always felt in competition with us.
This DB is so counterintuitive to who I am, I don't know if I can do it. If it wasn't for my faith, I really don't know what I would be doing.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
Volunteering at the school has become her new thing. She feels it makes her cool. (I know it sounds stupid). She talks about how other moms take pictures with her, and brag about being with her. Gosh this sounds so dumb...
So to reinforce this, she is marching in the city parade with the boy scouts and one of the teachers yells out "Yea W, thanks for the drinks!" All the men turn to her and give her trouble. "They all think I'm some big boozer!" Well you kinda are?
Anyway, this is so high school. You'll never get your kid to stop something they are getting notoriety for. She thinks she is a big deal for doing a job no one wants and spending money that she didn't make.
There are advantages to not knowing what God wants you to do, but not in this case.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
Everything will definitely be separated when she moves out. I think the major card we use is primarily hers, but there are plenty of others that we don't use anymore in my name. I thought she had gotten better with the spending, but I may have to open up talk of a budget again.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
I think I misinterpreted detachment and cake-eating. I now have a better understanding of DB, which is great! It feels more natural to me to just be happy and do my thing (GAL) and not worry about her (detachment). More genuine, authentic, and believable. Like they say in football, if you simplify the playbook, you can play fast. I think I have done that. I was complicating things before. There is so much information here, it is easy to complicate matters.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
I went to my first IC meeting today. I was talking a mile a minute trying to give her all the background I could. I was laughing with my friend afterwards: "It seems like she was saying (a tonally raised) 'Oh' a lot" I started cracking up. He says "What does that mean? Did she tell you what 'Oh' meant?"
I like her, but a lot of my core beliefs seemed novel to her? Faith, commitment, family. Maybe it is just a sign of the times, or she is really trying to start out as a Tabula Rasa?
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
I love how new insights are gained by looking back at past events through the lens of her having borderline traits:
She basically told me what was happening, but I was too ignorant to realize it. Early in our R she said I was the first person she brought her walls down for. I thought it was a sweet comment, but didn't make much of it. In my mind, that's what you do when you love someone; and I don't have "walls". What does that even mean? Then later in the R she alludes to the fact that her walls are back up. I think this is stupid, and get a little miffed, but don't make much of it either.
She is basically narrating to me the borderline traits relationship roadmap! Pull the other in close like it is the best R ever, then push them away to keep them from hurting you.
I keep laughing at all the stuff it took me to 40 to figure out...
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
Early in our R she said I was the first person she brought her walls down for.
Kylo,
I had a similar experience. Early in my relationship with my now XW, she said, "Run away; I have too much baggage." Apparently I wasn't really listening. Now, when she complains that I never listen to her, all I can do is nod in agreement (unless I'm not listening to her).
