Yesterday I went out and met up with a meet up.com group. They were cool peole but not my crowd. My wife seemed upset that I went out. I didnt care.
While I was outside landscaping before I went out our baby drank some of my cologne. We both went into parent mode. I think she might of been mad because I went out after that incident.
I returned home she was sitting on the couch on the computer, like she was waiting, which she never does. She stayed up real late after that. I dont knownhow to interpret that whole situation.
What do you all think?
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
You were really close to saving this very early on. That 15 minutes where you told her to pack her things and get out. That would have brought her out of the affair fog faster than anything. As is you backed off and now she's fully submerged in affair fog. She's a woman of faith? That's odd considering what she's doing carrying on this emotional affair is literally a path straight to hell in pretty much all 3 of the major religions. Is she ok with eternity in hell? That's not coming from me, I'm not a person of faith, but if she is then she has to know what adultery leads.
It sounds like you're doing what you can. Stick with it. Work on yourself. DON'T be a doormat. Nobody respects a doormat and nobody can love someone they don't respect. You were very firm and not a doormat for about 15 minutes but then backtracked. It's ok, it happens. I was a doormat for almost 3 years. Once I stopped being a doormat that snapped my cheating wife out of her fog. Good luck.
I think you are right. I should of let her leave. I have been detaching and doing 180s.
What did you do specifically to snap your wife out of her fog?
And how did it take for your method to work?
I did everything wrong at first. She got busted by our neighbor cheating with her husband. The neighbor blew it all up but that didn't stop my wife. I immediately, like you, told her I could forgive her and we can work it out. Worst thing ever to tell someone who just betrayed you like that. They lose all respect for you. I played the pursue, pick me, crying, begging, miserable game for almost 3 years. I was a very pathetic beta male which is shameful because I was a U.S. Marine. Looking back now I'm disgusted at how I handled it. She would say the same kind of incredibly hurtful stuff your wife is saying. Basically cheating right in front of my face.
At about the 3 year mark I had had enough. It was killing me. I 180'd her HARD and FIRM. NO relenting. I started working out and doing all kinds of things I wanted to do for ME. I bought a motorcycle. I bought a bicycle. I got really active and basically ghosted her in our own house. NO more crying, NO more begging, NO pick me dance. I literally no longer gave a hoot what she did. She was a cheater. I was a strong confident successful loyal man. Why would I concern myself with the comings and goings of a cheater? I was always pleasant around the house but never engaged with her. She would engage with me and I'd talk to her as if I couldn't care less about what she had to say. I kept working out, got in the best shape of my life, got promoted at work, had a great life going without her input in any way. She actually started breaking down and crying all the time but still kept going online talking to her douche bag dudes. I decided I needed to move on and had her served with divorce papers. This was when it all changed. It had all mostly changed once I started getting myself together and doing maximum GAL and 180.
People want what they can't have. If you're a guarantee then she'll continue to treat you very cruel. If you start living a great life and don't need or want her anymore then she'll pursue you. Silly games I know, but that's life. One long series of silly people games.
3-years amazing persistence especially sharing the same house!
I really do suffer from the patience thing and am a Mr Fix-it type person, this episode in my life has highlighted that and maybe I did this a lot when we were together In fact I did most things just to please her (typical Mr Nice Guy) and keep the peace. I’m sorry to piggyback Joes thread but I have a few questions…
1. Do you have kids together? 2. Looking at the timeline here it would suggest almost a 4-year period between discovery and reconciliation, if you had not filed do you think she would still be reluctant to work on the MR? 3. Tx did you notice peaks in her/their focus on the A and then falls? 4. Was she more willing to work at the A sometimes and then taper the focus off it or was it just solely focused on her AP/LO? 5. Did you notice a dilution in their interactions as time went by? 6. Do you feel if you weren’t “pleasant around the house” and stonewalled her this would have escalated the RC or do you feel being approachable for her but with your boundaries this method aided you? I’m sorry for so many questions and appreciate if you don’t want to share too much of your experience but any insight for those that are going through this process is of more help than I can mention.
Apologies Joe again for crashing your thread.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
This past Monday I got into her phone and found out she did in fact actually see him. On her FB messenger they were telling each other they love each other. After I found out, I was heated I told her to get her things and get out. After about 15 mins, I calmed down and told her I wasn't mad and we talked about it
If only you had stuck to the first 15 minutes, you would have had a better shot at getting her back. Your W is wayward, and there is no reasoning with her.
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We had a bunch of talks, which was me approaching her about the relationship
Yes, the more you step toward her, the more you push her away. Step back. Waaaaaay back.
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She has been cooking and cleaning the house
Is that unusual? How does she normally spend her day?
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She also asking for my help now. Which she wasn't doing for a while.
Help with what? For you to help out at home?
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She tells me I had a chance to close off old relationships. She using my old relationships as reference points.
Is she comparing the fact you had a chance for closure on previous R's, where she didn't get closure from OM? Were you ever in a inappropriate R since being M to your W?
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I returned home she was sitting on the couch on the computer, like she was waiting, which she never does. She stayed up real late after that. I dont knownhow to interpret that whole situation.
What do you all think?
She's still contacting OM.
I see Txhubby has joined in, and has said practically the same as I have about the first 15 min. you learned she was in an inappropriate contact with OM.
I hope you will learn from him, and don't go the "in-house" separation.
Here's the thing, Joe. You definitely had areas you needed to improve. I can see how a W could hold resentment and keep unresolved issues for a long time. Although you probably played a big part in the problems in the M and with the kids..........when she decided to involve a third person in this MR, it took on a whole different way in how you should approach things, IMHO.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She is using the fact about and old girlfriend I had and I happen to see her and realized I was over as justification for her and her old boyfriend.
This guy cheated on her in high school and has been divorced twice. I'm not saying people don't change but seems to me that she is somewhat in fantasy world.
I read a poem she wrote the other day and in that poem, (she was hiding it) a section in there said. "She's confused. Loves is confusing, I'm love one and the other is always on my mind.". In the poem she asks is she comfusing her oneself.
She asks for help for all kind if things now. Help around the house, help with her going to college, help with the boys. She wasn't asking for a while. Now she is.
I have started detaching, distancing and doing 180s.
She seemed to be angry this morning for what reason I don't know. And I didn't care why. I have stopped following her around and doing the things she said I didn't do.
TXHubby
You have a blueprint and I'm going to use it. Please keep the advice coming.
Joejoe1
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Good. Follow TxHubby blueprint. And don't care, W needs to see that she is seriously losing you. And its not somewhat in a fantasy world. She is completely in a fantasy work much like own W. Trying to live a fantasy, which causes them to lose what's in their reality. You need to more towards taking away that reality from her. So she can see what the fantasy is costing her.
Because she is cake eating. Your the provider, plus if she leaves that's a lot of church people that she has to tell. Which means she'll blame you if not already for her decisions. The good thing about your sitch is that her religious convictions are weighing on her mind. My W could give a damn less about God right now. Your religion is what's keeping her from making divorce demands right now. Your W clearly has doubts about her current life. Keep with the detaching.
Trust me, I am going through hell right now with mine. GAL and 180 like crazy. But I should have detached as well. The tough part was always being stuck in an in house separation. Now that she is gone I am quickly to a point where I am detaching. And my W has become even more wayward. I honestly wish I would heard TxHubby story a lot sooner. It would have helped my own sitch.
