I haven't been posting much as I feel that I have a pretty good grasp on my life and situation. I still do have some ups and downs but my good days heavily outweigh the bad.
That's great Dusty, over time the good days will increase in number so keep at it :-)
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I mentioned in a previous post about a woman I met from my s13 sports team, while we were at the hotel this past weekend our conversations became very flirtatious to the point she invited me to her room, as much as I wanted to I couldn't do it! All I kept saying was that I am still married and at the end of the day I feel that I would let someone down, not sure who maybe me, maybe my kids, God?? I don't know.
Well you've got to be true to yourself and maintain your moral compass throughout this stuff. It's easy to fall into the trap of doing something to "get back at your spouse" when in the end it really only hurts yourself.
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I do have an awesome GAL planned for this weekend, I was offered a real cool off roading trip though work and then spend the rest of the weekend fishing with my brother.
An update to where I'm at. Currently STBXW and I are still in the our marital home(she sleeps on the floor of our d11 room! lol Nothing much is going on court wise just letting the process work itself out, I am waiting to hear from my lawyer to see if my WW accepted the buyout offer for our home. I was able to refi the house on my own, when I informed my kids they were beyond happy! The first time through all this mess they seemed excited which made me feel good! If she accepts it will just come down to parenting schedule and how to split all our stuff up. I will be trying to have the process sped up as I can't have her in the house anymore, she adds nothing! All of the things she used to do she no longer does unless it benefits her. She doesn't clean anything, the only grocery shopping she does is for her(nothing for the kids) only does her laundry. It almost seems as if she is given up on her current life waiting for her next one to begin. I'm fairly certain there is a OM(possible 3) in the mix but it doesn't concern me unless it affects my kids, I quit snooping months ago so I have no idea what she is up to.
As far as what i'm up to, tons of GAL! Most of what I do involves my kids but that's how I want it! I spend a few night/days a week watching my kids and their various activities, going to my brothers lake cottage fishing,kayaking, stand up paddle boarding and whatever else you do there! I am still talking to the now divorced mom from my sons team, she has been great for me, something I would have never done while married, talking to another woman. Now that she is divorced we do talk a lot more and have been out for drinks more frequently, I know I'm not ready but..... This does wonders for my self confidence!!
I also started Divorce Care a few weeks back, I've read on here that a few of you thought there was too much religion but my sessions haven't been that way at all. I can take a little but don't need to be inundated with it. The group i'm in has been good, helpful listening to other people knowing that I'm not the only one going through this! What else??? still going to the gym now 5/6 days a week, currently I am down 65 lbs! I am at the same weight the day I got married and I feel awesome, this is the best physically I've felt in 25 years! Emotionally I still have ups and downs but the downs only last for a couple hours a week, I can't let the downs control me, to many good things to look forward to! I've rambled long enough, time to go to the gym! Have a good day!!
Awesome update! Do whatever you want with the woman you're seeing. You have no obligations to anyone else. If it feels right for you then enjoy. Everything you have going on is great, and look at how good that makes you feel? Stay the course and have an awesome life!
Things seem to really be going well for you. The news about the house is just awesome.
I'm glad you found a good Divorce Care group. They seem to be hit or miss. Not sure where you are in the program but some of the videos do tend to get very religious. The group interaction is what I really go for - hopefully there's a good group dynamic at the one you've found.
Keep it up, man!
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Wife sent me a text stating that she found a home that she wanted to put a down payment on. She needs me to sign something(waiver?) allowing her to purchase this home using her retirement money for the down payment, I told her that I will not do anything until the lawyers figure out the distribution of money from these accounts. She then blamed me for dragging this out and again this will only hurt the kids. The exchange became heated, I kept my cool as she attempted to bait me in, I informed yet again that her actions have hurt the kids, her giving up on our marriage will hurt the kids for many years even though she thinks they're fine(her word verbatim!) I told her that I have accepted my part in why our R failed and asked her why she continues to blame me for all of it, that she has yet to accept responsibility for her betrayal! At this point I don't need or want an apology because it won't change what I want to do. As she ranted I attempted to validate what she was saying with no success, she was so angry, I've never seen this from her ever! I just told her that she was free to move out that she wasn't needed or wanted in the home anymore, that she adds nothing of value at this point, I don't want her there, the kids don't want her there and she doesn't want to be there! That pissed her off and she left the room, slammed the door and left. I tried to fight fair but I can only absorb so much before I push back, I have done this far to long in our marriage and it's time to show my strength and she doesn't like it!
The unfortunate part.... as I left the room my s13 heard the entire exchange, all of it! He was clearly upset, I told him I was sorry that he heard that and I will never allow it to get that way again! He told me that he was mad at his mom, not me!
The exchange became heated, I kept my cool as she attempted to bait me in, I informed yet again that her actions have hurt the kids, her giving up on our marriage will hurt the kids for many years even though she thinks they're fine(her word verbatim!) I told her that I have accepted my part in why our R failed and asked her why she continues to blame me for all of it, that she has yet to accept responsibility for her betrayal! At this point I don't need or want an apology because it won't change what I want to do. As she ranted I attempted to validate what she was saying with no success, she was so angry, I've never seen this from her ever! I just told her that she was free to move out that she wasn't needed or wanted in the home anymore, that she adds nothing of value at this point, I don't want her there, the kids don't want her there and she doesn't want to be there! That pissed her off and she left the room, slammed the door and left. I tried to fight fair but I can only absorb so much before I push back, I have done this far to long in our marriage and it's time to show my strength and she doesn't like it!
The unfortunate part.... as I left the room my s13 heard the entire exchange, all of it! He was clearly upset, I told him I was sorry that he heard that and I will never allow it to get that way again! He told me that he was mad at his mom, not me!
Dusty,
Sounds to me like she did bait you in. I have to ask you if that exchange moved you closer to your goal or further away from your goal?
IMO arguing with your wife and saying extremely hurtful things is not a sign of strength especially when it is within distance of your children.
LH, I have done a pretty good job to date as far as not getting dragged into an argument. I should clarify, she got heated not me! I kept my cool as she continued to raise her voice, we had this discussion in the bedroom so the kids didn't hear, obviously we failed at this! My goal, I no longer am interested in saving my marriage, saving myself and providing for my kids is my goal. I do not want to argue with her but she has said some pretty mean things about me that are just plain hurtful and not true, and her desire to be "friends" at this point doesn't seem possible.
Yes, I have a lot of work to do, getting better every day.
Of course she's angry. She's a spoiled child and isn't getting what she wants, so she throws a tantrum. I'm guessing you're like a lot of us LBHs here and you're some degree of Nice Guy, and have probably spent years trying to minimize conflict in your relationship. So naturally, she thinks that if she creates conflict, or threatens to, you'll cave and she'll get what she wants.
I agree with LH that you need to work on this. You WERE baited and you took the bait. I know how hard it is to NOT take that bait, especially when it's nice juicy bait that has "hypocrite" written all over it and it's SO DAMN HARD not to point out what BS that bait is. But remember it's a power game designed to draw a reaction, and you reacted, so you "lose."
Hang in there, man. You can do this, and I promise it gets better.
Sounds like you had a lot of built up frustration towards your wife and let it out. Sounds like a lot of hurt and pain was thrown towards your wife in that argument. You have to be the constant and sturdy one. If both of you'll are not solid then it leads to arguments like the one yesterday.
You don't want your son to hate his mother. He only gets one. Encourage him to support and love her. She seems lost and hurt at the moment. You have to become the lighttower. Have your read the light tower yet. I tried to find it. I hope someone can post it for you.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
