ILYBINILWY - OW - what to do next 3

[SJW]

OMG!!! Can someone stop this rollercoaster I want to get off!

H didn't come back until Saturday with the kids as they wanted to stay with my parents an extra night. I'd had a great night out on Friday with a friend I've only seen once since this nightmare started and we had such a laugh. Saturday morning I thought I was going to be physically sick. I hadn't seen H in over 2 weeks and he had done what he'd done in the previous week saying he wanted to come home then changing his mind when I lost it.

Somehow I managed to pull myself together and by the time he got back I had done my hair and make up and had just popped to the shop. When I got back the kids went crazy and we had massive amounts of cuddles. I would have loved to have seen his face when he walked in but I think it probably hit him harder that I wasn't there. Over the 2 weeks I have pretty much removed all traces of him from display, photo's his framed army warrant and colours etc. I've moved the living room furniture round and my bedroom and painted like a maniac. When I got back he said he couldn't believe how much I had done and how hard I must have worked. My friend had also done the garden for me but I didn't tell him that.

I could tell he felt awkward but was just complete sweetness and light. I made some lunch and went to watch TV and chat with the kids. He went into our other living room and sat on his own. I spent the afternoon with the kids and then packed a bag and grabbed a dress and told him I was going out. He already knew I had plans but asked me if I was getting ready where I was going and I said yes, he asked me if I was coming home I said no and then left.

I got yesterday afternoon after shopping with friends and he was hovering around the kitchen acting really strange, then he said it......I've made the biggest mistake of my life and I want to come home and be with you and the kids!!!!

You could have knocked me over with a feather I had no clue what to say or what to feel or what to do. We talked for a bit mostly him talking and me listening but I asked him what had changed and he said coming home and seeing the changes just made him realise that he wanted our life in our home with our kids and he doesn't know what he has been thinking of these past few months. I told him he needed to speak to someone else about this as I can't give him the answers and I don't know how I feel and I genuinely don't. I want my M but how can I possibly get over this. He says he will do anything to win me back but is asking me to tell him what to do which obviously isn't going to work. I have always organised everything and for 10 weeks been accused of being controlling and now he wants me to go back to being his carer and make this OK?? How do I do that, surely if he's serious that's up to him. Then there is the other part of me that thinks he's changed his mind very quickly about who he loves recently what's to stop him doing it again and destroying me all over again.

I think I feel worse now than I have done for the past 10 weeks since he dropped the bomb!!

Advice please

[Citygrl]

Wow. That must be a lot to take in. Am so happy you got to hear that from him but I understand your reticence. My first thought is: Proceed with caution.

In my case my husband said he wanted to come back after 9 months but I could tell he wasn't vested in marriage counselling. I think it was a major touch and go as things were not going well with OW1 and he thought I could slip off the line. The rejection was even worse the second time.

One thing I have learned is that time can be our biggest ally. You need to process all of this. Plus making him sweat it out while you do is irrelevant. I think you are right to be wary of his ability to flip flop. Move at your own pace not his. He is starting to see what he could lose.

I am sure much wiser people will weigh-in and give you great advice.

[SJW]

Thanks Citygrl. He's pretty convincing but I have to self preserve. I've told him he needs to make up to his kids first as I have put them first in all of this and it's not about us right now it's about them. He just keeps hovering around me like a lost puppy. I've come over to my friends who's at work but I have a key just to get some space. Time if what we all have and I need take time to regroup.

[Citygrl]

Yes. Take your time. From what I read you will need to be strong if you start piecing. That's another can of worms. Good luck. I am routing for you.

[Coconut]

SJW, words everyone wants to hear, especially so early in the sitch, you responded great.

Here's my thoughts, for what it's worth..

If you feel you must respond, I'd start with something like "there is no need for me to engage in a talk about us when you have a gf?"

He needs to sweat it out, put in work (actions) earning you back.

You need to be absolutely convinced, to you're core, that he means it.

I agree with what you said about him bouncing back and forth, if it was me I'd want him to spend some alone time and see him working on himself (go to IC on his own, fix things with his family, become a great dad (again), and start treating you right.)

Try reaching out to BluWave on her thread, she may be able to give you some insight.

Oh, and don't get your hopes up, it could very well just be a moment of weakness in him, maybe due to an argument with OW, and that's why I would want to see actions before I started R talk... When/If you think he does mean it, maybe spend a little family time as friends..

[Treasur]

How you doing, SJW?

[Coconut]

SJW,

I saw your post on another thread, that your H has moved back in. I really hope you don't stop posting, and that you don't just allow everything to get sweeped under the rug.

Many, many reconciliations end up back in this situation because the real issues aren't addressed. I do hope you keep posting.

[SJW]

Brief update as I have to take the kids shopping for school shoes, wish me luck!!

H was at the house all last week with the kids as agreed, sometimes I stayed here sometimes I went out and continued with my life as it was for the 10 weeks whilst he was in OWstan. I agreed that he could move back home for the kids but it was in the spare room and I have no idea about us. OW is definitely no more and hadn’t been since he returned from holiday with her 2 weeks ago. Coconut said I had to believe to my core this was true and I do, he has completely realised exactly what she is and described it like having an out of body experience like watching someone else living his life with her. I laughed and said we had 2 names for you as that is exactly what it was like you were this person with her who was vicious and nasty and then every now and again the real you would appear.

He has talked a lot, cried and lot and is full of remorse and guilt. He has spent a fortune and taken finance in his name to buy furniture for her house and borrowed from his Mum which is so disappointing as we have never been in debt or asked parents for money. I guess money is money and has no real meaning in the scheme of things but with it would still be a constant reminder and not one I am sure I can deal with.

Emotionally I am all over the place I want to try but don’t know if I can ever get over what’s happened and all of the effort he has put into her that he has never done for me. I still love him and he is trying in small ways. He has been and spoken to friends individually to apologise to them and thank them for being there for me. He has written me a very emotional letter about how he feels about me and the kids and how sorry he is for what he has done. He tells me every day how much he loves me, he’s made the biggest mistake of his life, he wishes he could go back and change it and how I am the most amazing person in every way.

He went back to work yesterday and I needed to see how that affected me as he works with her but he kept in constant contact with me and spoke to her about taking on the furniture finance which at first she refused but later agreed to do. I was actually OK as I do completely believe him that he doesn’t want her, she’s completely unhinged. She had his wedding ring and refused to give it him back but then brought it into work this morning in a gift bag??

What I’m not sure about is where to even start trying to put this back together if that is even possible. He is going away on Friday for 2 weeks with work so that will give me some time to regroup and think things through and also him some time to think. He has an appointment with a counsellor when he gets back to work out why this happened in the first place and after that possibly MC for both of us if I feel ready. Some days I hug him because he is my H and I momentarily forget the pain but then it comes back and I will be upset or withdrawn again.
I’m going to go through some other posts maybe on the piecing forum and see what I can get from that and also read DB/DR again when I get chance.

Thanks everyone for checking on me and don't worry I'll be around for a while yet.

[Treasur]

My darling girl
First of all, loved the OWstan thing...and it is true that your H got lost, maybe more lost to himself than OW in truth. OWs are more of a symptom often but you know that.

Good that he's planning on IC and that sounds essential. You share the responsibility for your M as it was, but this crisis and how he handled it belongs only to him. He needs to figure out what his crisis was about, why he chose to deal with it that way and what he needs to do to help both of you rebuild and tidy the mess he made.

But he's not the only battered one, is he? Your emotions sound pretty normal to me. I guess the risk is that you won't feel safe to express them while you're both battered and trying to move forward. Do you have an IC for yourself? If not, would it help if only as a short-term thing to have a safe place to vent and think out loud?

From what I've seen here, it's going to be a tough road for both of you for a little while with a weird mix of joy and confusion. I guess it's like a series of steps - tidy up the fallout first, then MC to rebuild something new. I'm thrilled you both have the chance to do this (a bit envious actually) and wiser heads than mine here will be able to help you keep focusing on you. I suppose for many of us we used to have a Me+You=Us M. Now, and maybe for the better, we see the strength of having a Me+You+Us M instead.

[BluWave]

Hi,

I have not read your entire sitch, but I understand you H left for OW and is now back with all the remorse? So that was me 2.5 years ago, and we are still together piecing, and there are some days that I question if I made the right choice. As time has gone by and we work on this together, I am more hopeful that we can have a great marriage. Maybe even better than before. It takes a lot of grit, patience, and time.

There is no rule book for piecing and so that has been challenging and I frequently have to step outside of my emotions and make locgical decisions. I agree with others to proceed cautiously. However when my H came back he did have all the remorse and regret; my intuition told me it was true and it was because he has demonstrated this with consistent actions over time. So I think the trust is twofold: your instincts and also his actions over time. Either way, I wish that I had let him back much slower.

Some things that helped us get through the initial shock of the separation and then coming back together were each having a good IC, going to the best MC we could find, and also reading books on how to recover after an affair. in the mean time I continued to try and focus on my own GAL/180s for me. When it came to including/telling much to the kids, we took our time on that, but my H had also moved out for many months.

Here is the thing, even if this doesn't work in the long run, or even if you don't get to a place where you feel you can accept/forgive this, you still get the opportunity to try. We are fortunate in that sense because most posters here will not have that chance. I didn't think I could or would see past any type of infidelity so that has been extremely challenging for me. I also knew that I didn't want to live my life with regrets or to not be able to tell myself (or my kids one day) that I tried. The first year was another roller coaster of emotions, confusion, and doubt. The second year was less so. Now things are falling into place. It has been a lot of work and a conscious effort to forgive and start rebuilding. There have been countless days where my heart was not in it.

Something to chew on: there are other posters here that have had their S come back to the M and even started piecing, and they still struggle because the S is not remorseful or they don't feel they can trust them. So they can do the work and start piecing, but they can't change the other--they have to wait and hope that it comes. You already have that--you feel he is remorseful and being sincere. So IMO you can now go into the hard work with a bit of an advantage.

And keep posting--here and to others-- it will help in more ways than you know.

Best of luck!
Blu