Lost on how to save my marriage!

[Tread]

Trust nothing she says. And you need to stop with all the trying to be understanding and allowing her to disrespect you. Being nice has won back no W on this board that I know of. Set boundaries immediately and be willing to lose this woman if she crosses that boundary.

[joejoe1]

Cadet & Tread,

She hasn't really said much about our future. I won't trust what she says until we talk about our future.

I have stayed away from relationship talks. Anytime we do talk about the R, it's her who initiate those conversations. I can't really read the her signs.

She's asking for help, she's talking about doing things with our house in the future. She coming around me more. I have not reacted to much she is doing, I have kept calm in all conversations. I have been positive about everything we talked about. She's leaving her phone all over the house and she's has not been attached to it like she was before D day. She also doesn't mind having me around now.

I have been going to church and praying on a regular basis.

I don't know if I'm being lured into a trap for a big announcement are figure out if she is coming around.

I don't allow her to disrespect me at all. She told me Saturday, one of the problems she had we me was that I was never understanding of nothing she said, and she was afraid to tell me things because, I would be negative and basically disregard all she said. She also informed me she hated when she tell me something and I would get defensive about everytime she tried to help me out or corrected something I did. She also told me all her friends didn't understand how we even met because, I was a know it all and took over all conversations. I really started to realize that people didn't like being around me, so I have to agree with her on those fronts, I have been fixing those aspects about myself.

The last thing I had a really big problem with is the relationship with my kids. I was very strict with them and they were afraid to come and talk to me. A now my step son, my wife first born, is afraid to even be by himself around me. I have been working on fixing that.

Joe

[Cadet]

The last thing I had a really big problem with is the relationship with my kids.
I was very strict with them and they were afraid to come and talk to me.
A now my step son, my wife first born, is afraid to even be by himself around me.
I have been working on fixing that.

Good

Be the best DAD you can be

[joejoe1]

I have also notice, when my wife and I talk and I tell her the things I did wrong to her in a emphatic way she responds well and with more conversations. I took the "Is" out of the statements I make and put in "you's". For instance, "You didn't fell valued by me, you didn't deserve that." she responded to that better than, "I didn't value you I'm sorry". It's amazing how just changing up the way you communicate a statement changes the way a person responds.

Joe

[joejoe1]

So, I arrived home today and she seems to be in a horrible mood. Seems to me like she is trying to pick a fight or start an argument. Everytime I say something she replies with, "what did you just say and then gives me the side eye.

I'm just going to give her space. And stay as far away as possible.

The other thing is, she approached me to discuss her day. Off right?

I asked what's wrong twice. I think that was too many times.

I'm about to chill and watch tv with the kids.

Joe

[joejoe1]

This morning she was cool and calm. Still seemed like she didn't want to be bothered. We have been emailing back and forth about the kids, her college class, and a Kurig.
When I get off of work, I will be going to the gym to play basketball and sit in the Sauna.
I'm taking it day by day. I have been working on my patients. I really don't like not knowing what she is taking about our future. I hope she opens up about it soon.

Joejoe01

[FizzSer]

This morning she was cool and calm. Still seemed like she didn't want to be bothered. We have been emailing back and forth about the kids, her college class, and a Kurig.
When I get off of work, I will be going to the gym to play basketball and sit in the Sauna.
I'm taking it day by day. I have been working on my patients. I really don't like not knowing what she is taking about our future. I hope she opens up about it soon.

Joejoe01

Sounds like a plan.

With regards to the future -- instead of hoping for 'soon', maybe hope for 'eventually'. Soon might lead to disappointment. Eventually could be years and years, and you'll never be disappointed!

My W opened up about her plans for her future warning me about court documents.

[AnotherStander]

So, I arrived home today and she seems to be in a horrible mood. Seems to me like she is trying to pick a fight or start an argument.

Just remember:

Detached =
W happy = Joe happy
W sad = Joe happy
W mad = Joe happy

Everytime I say something she replies with, "what did you just say and then gives me the side eye.

I'm just going to give her space. And stay as far away as possible.

Yup, sounds like that's what she wanted. You don't have to be rude or anything, just go about your business.

I asked what's wrong twice. I think that was too many times.

Don't EVER ask that. When you ask someone that it immediately puts them on the defensive. You are telling them that -they- are wrong, their -feelings- are wrong, etc. Instead say something like "you seem upset, is that how you're feeling?" If she responds then validate, if she says "no I'm fine" then say "OK, well if you would like to talk then let me know" and go about the business of your awesome GAL'ing.

[joejoe1]

AnotherStander,

Great advice.

Fizzer,

I'm done talking about the relationship. We had a conversation this morning and she informed me that she still has feelings for a boyfriend she broke up with when she was 17th and for herself she has to figure out what's going on there. This is the OM. She still hasn't asked for a divorce or asked to move out. She is looking for a job to get her finances together so she can get an apartment or house.

Life is crazy. She tells me I had a chance to close off old relationships. She using my old relationships as reference points. I wonder if she could ever turn her heart back towards me. She informed me she can't think of any good or great times between us over the last 7 years.

I don't know what my approach should be at this point. I can see myself moving on, but I think I have to detach better. She tells me she her heart isn't in the marriage, but she doesn't move out. Sometimes I get the thought that I should just let her go figure out that this guy isn't for her. But that's for her to figure out.

This guy cheated on her when they were in high school and has been divorce twice. I like the thought of eventually and not soon.

[joejoe1]

Yesterday I went out and met up with a meet up.com group. They were cool peole but not my crowd. My wife seemed upset that I went out. I didnt care.

While I was outside landscaping before I went out our baby drank some of my cologne. We both went into parent mode. I think she might of been mad because I went out after that incident.

I returned home she was sitting on the couch on the computer, like she was waiting, which she never does. She stayed up real late after that. I dont knownhow to interpret that whole situation.

What do you all think?