Right or wrong i believe you being able to lay everything on the table will put you in a better place,!!
Wishing younthe best moving forward.
A man will only take so much and that is what I was telling her. She knows me very well and knows me well enough to know when I say it's enough it is damn well enough. I believe I have bided my time well with the situation and gave her what she asked for to settle her mind. As my grandpa would say either [censored] or get of the pot! Lol!
Been having text messages back and forth with my wife everyday and a phone call every night to say good night at the very least. Tonight she called me super tired and ready for bed, but we ended up talking for over an hour because she didn't want to get off the phone with me. We are laughing and joking with each other and talking to each other like we used to. Things are seemingly better, but I am taking it in stride.
I am sticking to my guns with her too. I didn't hear from her all day and I wasn't going to reach out to her since I was the one to reach out the couple days before. I wanted to see if she would reach out to me. I get a few text from her and then she called. If I didn't hear from her I had plans of telling her it wasn't working and she needs to make a greater effort or at least equal effort, but she came through.
My wife has now started her programming boot camp and our communication has dropping a lot. I personally don't think it's that much of an excuse for it. I am realistic and don't expect her to do much, but I do expect her to keep it up. With simple things like just saying good morning and good night and random ones here and there just to keep us both in the loop. Easy things like how her classes are going and so on and so forth.
This is a test for her and I think I am going to point out what she is doing is exactly what she complained about me doing. The fact that it doesn't mean she doesn't care or I don't matter if I we are talking very little while she is very busy with this boot camp, just like I was when away for work. I think it will be a little bit of an eye opener for her.
I am still supporting her and going about things the right way and when we do have conversations on the phone it is more productive now then it ever was, but now is not the time to nip it in the bud because of her boot camp..... like I said I don't expect much, but I do expect her to want to keep it going. We have come to the point of where there is a lot less anger from her and more talking and actual listening to each other. She still has some hang ups and some of them are pretty unrealistic and I am pretty sure she knows it deep down too, but she still needs that validation for her to do what she did.
I'm not really sure how she feels about things other than she has said that she does what to work on things, but all this time away from each others physical presence is not a good thing to me at all. I feel like I care less and less and I am not sure if it's because of the huge distances between us or that I am getting to the point of not wanting her anymore. I believe we owe each other to figure that out.
All this being said I also have the thought of gathering up things she has left behind, such as gifts I had bought for her and significant things like our wedding book full of pictures and sending it to her and then stopping communication. I will give her a simple letter that will say in so many words that if she really wants to work things out then she will bring these things back to me and we can start a new a better relationship, but if not then she can shed these items like she does so many other things and maybe it will help her move along. I will not be waiting around anymore and will move on with my life. If she comes back into it before I have moved on for good we can talk about things, but if I never hear from her again then we will both have our answers.
I have already told her she took the cowards way out and the hard thing to do would have been to stay and work on things and not the other way around like she has tried to sell to me. I know this is a learned trait from her mothers example, but she is old enough to know better. Once she has all these memories I will send her then she can live with them for awhile and be the ultimate one to destroy the marriage.
Beyond all of this we still have outstanding divorce papers that I am pretty certain doesn't matter if I sign or not and in about 4 months time we will be divorced no matter what. I also know she is the only one that can cancel the divorce since she is the one that filed for it.
Talk is cheap. You writing letters and sending her stuff just makes you look pathetic and petty. Box them if they bother you. But trying to invoke a reaction from your W it the worst way of action.
Talk is cheap. You writing letters and sending her stuff just makes you look pathetic and petty. Box them if they bother you. But trying to invoke a reaction from your W it the worst way of action.
V
Just my way of pushing something forward. Being in limbo is cheap and I can just leave the ball in her court completely.
but you are just trying to invoke a reaction. And that is the wrong thing to do. You want to have closure of a kind, I get that, but even if she tells you to go f..k yourself, you still have a looooooot of healing to do. I know you do not think so, but you do. Limbo [censored], I know, but you have to become self sufficient to the point that you are not bothered by her actions. That is a true milestone to achieve. In all honesty, you said that she is commited to this coding camp. So even is she calls you and says that she would love to reunite with you, what would you do? She is bound to this contract, and your pride will surely get in the way. And the last point. The W will do what she will do, so stop with the third degree. Get a life (GAL) and leave her be to sort her $hit out. And no, do not go on the prowl to nail the first piece of tail that comes along...
but you are just trying to invoke a reaction. And that is the wrong thing to do. You want to have closure of a kind, I get that, but even if she tells you to go f..k yourself, you still have a looooooot of healing to do. I know you do not think so, but you do. Limbo [censored], I know, but you have to become self sufficient to the point that you are not bothered by her actions. That is a true milestone to achieve. In all honesty, you said that she is commited to this coding camp. So even is she calls you and says that she would love to reunite with you, what would you do? She is bound to this contract, and your pride will surely get in the way. And the last point. The W will do what she will do, so stop with the third degree. Get a life (GAL) and leave her be to sort her $hit out. And no, do not go on the prowl to nail the first piece of tail that comes along...
Honestly isn't everything that is taught by DB to invoke an action. I guess forcing an action is more what you mean. Getting closure in one way or another would be great! I still don't want to be the one that puts the final nail in the coffin because I don't believe in that. I took a vow through better or worse and I am sticking to my word. So forcing her would make what ever her decision to be less genuine I suppose.
I know it's not what you guys believe, but I have a life and I have had one this entire time. My life is full and it's nice for me just to ignore her and do my thing. The three times I have done that she always comes back to me and being distraught in doing so. I let her back in because I feel it's what I should do and I do still want my marriage to be a success, but it always feels like not much has changed as in what we are working towards. Each time it has gotten better though. There is more communication with each other and we do have fights still.
Yesterday we had a pretty good one where I she was screaming at the top of her lungs and I couldn't even understand what she was saying, then she threw the phone down and walked off I guess. Well that is what it sounded like on my end and then it hung up. She did call me back right away and she was pretty calm right after and I was too. I told her my biggest issue with her is that I don't feel like she cares and that she is putting effort in. I said if I felt that then all would be good on my side of things. She got a little angry with that and told me she is putting effort forth. She brought up the fact that she is talking to me and calling me even though she is going through a very tough boot camp which she has no free time, but she still is talking to me, while she is hardly communicating with anyone else.
In our conversation we had the other day she said that we are toxic to each other because we either either make each other mad or hurt. I told her it has has a lot to do with the situation we are in and because we love each other and are hurt from this that it is natural for that kind of thing to happen. She is listening to her mom, which is not a good influence at all on how to be in a relationship. Her mother has never been good at that. She still has unrealistic hang ups on things and a lot of the things she says are issues are just ridiculous and have no real baring on anything....basically they are shallow reasons that aren't true. I call her on things all the time and it never holds water.
After telling her my issue was that I feel she doesn't care and isn't making an effort she told me again that she feels she has to choose between me and her family. I told her when she chooses me she chooses everyone, but if she chooses her family she loses me. Then she said she can't leave her family again, which is such absolute bullshit and she clearly isn't seeing the reality of it. Once this boot camp is up, provided she passes, she will be placed for work where ever they want to place her and that is anywhere in the US.......so she will be leaving her family behind to go somewhere she has no one for a job. Goodness it's just ridiculous and so close minded to what she is doing and how shallow her reasons are. Like they say I guess a walk away will lie and you can't believe most of what they say.
For instance she is now talking about kids again, which she was totally against supposedly. I think she test the waters all the time and sometimes knowing she is doing it. After she said she can't leave her family I said ok ok, Im done, I got to go, but she didn't want me to get off the phone. This is such a silly game! Anyway she still has tons of hang ups and personal issue to get through. After our fight and long conversation yesterday I text her and left her with a simple text message that said. "I don't want anymore drama, just love and understanding".
I am not really in a hurry too, or even looking to go on the prowl to nail anything! Lol! That being said moving on has a lot to do with wanting a family, so that does involve meeting other women. I feel like I should make myself available because my wife isn't making any moves, but I refrain because I am still married to her. A catch 22 I suppose. She has text me this morning, but I have no idea what she is saying because I haven't read the text messages yet.
Honestly sending her the divorce papers signed and some things that are hers and the wedding book would let her know that I am moving on. Then I would feel right about going on and finding a new relationship. At that point I wouldn't have to waste my time anymore with things and I wouldn't be in limbo. I would be free from it and if she decides to do the right thing, the hard thing and take another chance it would have to be all her decision. Hopefully she will do it before I close the door completely.
